I'm just your average, everyday, divorced 38 year old girl -- overweight, tragically unhip,
and trying to make a life for myself. I live with two furry beasts, Dave and Abby, whose
feline mission in life is to choke me with their fur. Nothing special.
Saturday night. Man, I'm tired. I spent pretty much the whole day running around with Alcott and three of his siblings and - can I tell all of you that have multiple teenagers on a full time business how much I respect you? - I'm pooped. Pooped and sunburnt. Today was a good day!
[OK, this is now, officially, a weight drama free zone. It's clear to me that sharing my freaking out is not something I can do here any more, so that will move to my other site where only one person other than me will read it and that person is where I am on the journey so they won't freak out. This site will be my "everything other than weight loss and health" place for a while, until I can return to light, fluffy writing about my happy journey to better health. It's either that or disable the comments and I hate doing that, so this is my compromise.
Did you know that several of yesterday's comments actually made me cry? Yes, that's right, kids, I'm a human being. I know it's tempting, when reading one of these things, to think that we're all just characters in some tele-drama, but I'm real, and when I write that I can feel myself slipping back into the Hell that was my life 10 months ago it's not me being hysterical, it's because - and here's the crazy part - that's how I'm feeling! To think that people actually have the gall to write comments that, in essence, invalidate the way I'm feeling when they're not here...well, that just makes me feel sick to my stomach. I actually thought about getting rid of this site entirely, but I love it and I love most of the people who visit my thoughts here, so it's staying with a few changes.]
Friday morning. Yesterday was a wonderful day. I left work early to pick Alcott up for an important visit. While he was visiting, I got to sit and think (and watch the visit from a distance) and I realized how lucky I am to have him in my life. Yes, he's a teenager and sometimes his (apparent) lack of enthusiasm hurts me, but then he'll share something with me that's so personal and important to him and I'll realize that I am important to him, that I do make a difference, and that his life is better because I'm in it. I can't tell you how that feels. For a girl who's always wavered on her own importance, that feeling is Nirvana.
Junior League is coming along nicely, too. The Placement Fair, where all members are placed on the committee/council assignments that they'll have for the next year, is in a few weeks and I'll be meeting with my Placement Advisor next week. I'm pretty much decided on SPAC - the political action committee of the League - but the Training and Finance committees sound pretty interesting, too. I know, I'm a freak because I'm going for all of the serious stuff when most girls are queueing up for the event planning gigs. Well, what can I say? I want to make a difference and I'm just not the party planning girl right now. Perhaps next year. Besides, there's lots of competition for the "fun" committees and it will be easy to get on all of the committees I'm interested in. Ha!
School starts up next week and I have a 5-7 page paper due on the first night of class. Any guesses as to when I will start that paper? Well, in the sense that I've got to do all of the first night's readings before I can even start writing, I will "start" on it over the weekend, but I'll be very surprised if the writing portion begins before Tuesday night (it's due Wednesday night).
Thursday morning. I was on a roll. I had this all figured out. I should be about 180 pounds by now (given that this little sojourn in the two-oh-somethings started at the beginning of December for goodness sake!), but instead I'm going to post my first gain in 10 months when I weigh and measure tomorrow. Why? Damn it, why??? What broke? What isn't where it needs to be??? Please, please, someone give me the answer because I'm searching - constantly - and I just can't find it and I can't do this all over again. Can't gain 60 pounds back and then lose it again. I know myself too well. If this weight goes back on, I don't have it in me to get it off again. This is too hard. I've gotten at least halfway through with what I need to do, and to fail now would just crush whatever spark inside me still believes that I can achieve this.
Now, I know there are those out there in Readerland who are saying, "Now, Denise, just be patient with yourself," or, "There's more to life than just your weight, so don't say you have to do this like you won't have a life if you don't." For those people, I can only suggest that you might want to come back in a few months because you're not going to enjoy my writing until this thing is over. No one who hasn't been morbidly obese will understand what I'm about to say, but this really is a fight for my life. Not just because of my diabetes, but because, if I get back to 262 and stay there, I will have nothing left. No self respect (if I had that, I'd never let the weight go back on). No chance of avoiding diabetic complications (my feet already tingle every night as it is). No friends (tough to have friends when you don't leave the house, and you wouldn't leave the house either if you were the fattest person in the entire city. Seriously, San Diego is like America's Healthiest City of some such thing, and there are like NO fat people here...especially no fat women.) Perhaps worst yet, in terms of my long term happiness, no chance of ever finding true love and settling down to create the family that I so want.
OK, now I know that there's a whole group of you that just said, "Oh, no, Denise...that's not true. You can find love while you're fat because I did." I understand that it's theoretically possible to find love at 262 pounds and a size 26, but it's not going to happen here, for me. For one thing, as I mentioned, in America's Healthiest City there is a cornucopia of perfect women out there. Perfect faces, perfect bodies, perfectly clothed, driving perfect cars. Seriously. Very scary. Anyway, there are those guys that say they're interested in fat girls, but most are only interested when there's no one around and only interested in one thing, if you get my drift. If you take them away, the next group available is the "chubby chasers" - those men who only like fat girls. I know this is a terrible thing to say, but I don't want one of them. If I find one of them and do somehow end up getting the self respect to get this lovely weight off again, they'll be gone in a flash because they're only interested in fat girls. (I've actually experienced that first hand!) Finally, there are - at most - 20 guys in the entire county (several million people) who are normal but would consider dating a fat girl. I think I've dated like five of them and have had girl friends who've dated five others, so that leaves like 10 guys out of three million for me. Not going to happen.
Well, hasn't this been an uplifting entry? I'm so glad I lost the password to my Site Monitor account so that I can't see what all of this is doing to my readership. Wait, I'm not supposed to be doing this with one eye on the number of hits I'm getting (which is why I made my Site Meter numbers invisible on the site)...this is supposed to be about me. This is how I feel, so it's "valid" and, if that leaves me with two readers, then so be it.
How did I get here? How did it all fall apart? I just don't understand. Please, someone - ANYONE - help me understand. If I could just wrap some logic around what's happening to me, perhaps it wouldn't be so hard. Instead, I just sit here, astounded, as I eat and eat and eat and am never full enough, and don't exercise. Why? Why, why, why, why, why??? I had this. I was there. Well, not "there", but on the path to there. It's not fair. Dear God, I know you're there, why won't you help me???
I'm in a fight for my very life here, people, and I know it's not pretty, but it's real. Hey, perhaps I'll get a boost in my readership from the people who like to watch reality TV! There's something to look forward to.
Wednesday morning. I haven't been this spotty about posting in a really long time. Could my lack of interest in posting have anything to do with the fact that I still have not regained control of my eating and activity despite my grandiose proclamations? Could very well be!
I need to put more thought into this, but I wanted to post so that you'd know I'm still here. I know it's not the usual post for me, but this is all I've got right now.
