Thursday, March 31, 2005

How can I not know how to do this?

Thursday morning. I was on a roll. I had this all figured out. I should be about 180 pounds by now (given that this little sojourn in the two-oh-somethings started at the beginning of December for goodness sake!), but instead I'm going to post my first gain in 10 months when I weigh and measure tomorrow. Why? Damn it, why??? What broke? What isn't where it needs to be??? Please, please, someone give me the answer because I'm searching - constantly - and I just can't find it and I can't do this all over again. Can't gain 60 pounds back and then lose it again. I know myself too well. If this weight goes back on, I don't have it in me to get it off again. This is too hard. I've gotten at least halfway through with what I need to do, and to fail now would just crush whatever spark inside me still believes that I can achieve this.

Now, I know there are those out there in Readerland who are saying, "Now, Denise, just be patient with yourself," or, "There's more to life than just your weight, so don't say you have to do this like you won't have a life if you don't." For those people, I can only suggest that you might want to come back in a few months because you're not going to enjoy my writing until this thing is over. No one who hasn't been morbidly obese will understand what I'm about to say, but this really is a fight for my life. Not just because of my diabetes, but because, if I get back to 262 and stay there, I will have nothing left. No self respect (if I had that, I'd never let the weight go back on). No chance of avoiding diabetic complications (my feet already tingle every night as it is). No friends (tough to have friends when you don't leave the house, and you wouldn't leave the house either if you were the fattest person in the entire city. Seriously, San Diego is like America's Healthiest City of some such thing, and there are like NO fat people here...especially no fat women.) Perhaps worst yet, in terms of my long term happiness, no chance of ever finding true love and settling down to create the family that I so want.

OK, now I know that there's a whole group of you that just said, "Oh, no, Denise...that's not true. You can find love while you're fat because I did." I understand that it's theoretically possible to find love at 262 pounds and a size 26, but it's not going to happen here, for me. For one thing, as I mentioned, in America's Healthiest City there is a cornucopia of perfect women out there. Perfect faces, perfect bodies, perfectly clothed, driving perfect cars. Seriously. Very scary. Anyway, there are those guys that say they're interested in fat girls, but most are only interested when there's no one around and only interested in one thing, if you get my drift. If you take them away, the next group available is the "chubby chasers" - those men who only like fat girls. I know this is a terrible thing to say, but I don't want one of them. If I find one of them and do somehow end up getting the self respect to get this lovely weight off again, they'll be gone in a flash because they're only interested in fat girls. (I've actually experienced that first hand!) Finally, there are - at most - 20 guys in the entire county (several million people) who are normal but would consider dating a fat girl. I think I've dated like five of them and have had girl friends who've dated five others, so that leaves like 10 guys out of three million for me. Not going to happen.

Well, hasn't this been an uplifting entry? I'm so glad I lost the password to my Site Monitor account so that I can't see what all of this is doing to my readership. Wait, I'm not supposed to be doing this with one eye on the number of hits I'm getting (which is why I made my Site Meter numbers invisible on the site)...this is supposed to be about me. This is how I feel, so it's "valid" and, if that leaves me with two readers, then so be it.

How did I get here? How did it all fall apart? I just don't understand. Please, someone - ANYONE - help me understand. If I could just wrap some logic around what's happening to me, perhaps it wouldn't be so hard. Instead, I just sit here, astounded, as I eat and eat and eat and am never full enough, and don't exercise. Why? Why, why, why, why, why??? I had this. I was there. Well, not "there", but on the path to there. It's not fair. Dear God, I know you're there, why won't you help me???

I'm in a fight for my very life here, people, and I know it's not pretty, but it's real. Hey, perhaps I'll get a boost in my readership from the people who like to watch reality TV! There's something to look forward to.

27 comments:

christie said...

I know what you mean about the chubby chasers and their kind. Every guy who says he likes bigger girls... its like, "oh really? why" and the answers are, more to hang on to when having sex, or 'it gets me really hot'.... sorry, but i'm not looking for someone who is "into fat girls" because its like their kinky sex thing. I just want a guy who will want to have a relationship with me for who I am because the fat doesn't MATTER... not because he LIKES it. Anyway, just letting you know I completely understand what you meant.

On a different note, i know how it feels to gain, but if it is your first one in TEN MONTHS, I seriously would not get worked up over it. Just take a deep breath and keep doing what you're supposed to do, and see what happens. If it keeps going up, you can worry and look into it, but I really doubt that's going to happen. You are doing so awesome! Don't freak yourself out too much =)

Shannin said...

Denise:

Let's look first at the gain. Do you put 80 pounds back on in 30 days? No, I didn't think so. Is this a wake-up call to maybe jolt you back to reality? Possibly. Did this shake your confidence? My guess is yes. Let's face it, you've kinda been cruising along, joyfully losing weight, and I'm sure you must have thought, "Wow, this isn't that hard! Why didn't I do this sooner?" But you knew deep inside this is not a joy ride -- if it was, we'd all be 108 pounds. Go along any road, real or metaphorically, and there are going to be hairpin turns, sharp corners, dips, bumps and most certainly potholes.
Rev up the motor, put the pedal to the metal and move forward.

Anonymous said...

Denise,

I have never felt compelled to leave a comment before, but your post shook me. I follow your site everyday and look forward to your postings. I can't reassure you or make it all go away, all I can say is "I underastand". I have been living in the same space for longer than I can remember and it is a nasty place to be. I won't give all the trite words of encouragement, or power of positive thinking quotes I have heard a million times myself, I will jsut say, there are people, and there are lots of us, that understand completly, and are rooting for you!
Looking forward to your reality.

Jean

Noames said...

You can get through this, I know you can. It's scary, but I really believe that falling down is part of any process, and when (not if) get back up, you'll be that much stronger for it.

You've accomplished so much. Your readers (or at least this reader) are impressed by you and learn from you, and this kind of entry only makes you more human (like us) than super-human weightloss superhero, which we could never be.

I wish I could help, instead of being annoying upbeat girl, but know that I'm thinking of you, and wishing you the best.

Mamato2boys said...

I have never commented before. I am a long time reader though :o) I just kind of feel like I need to. I live in San Diego and I can so feel your pain. If yall think that she is exaggerating, she isn't. It really is like that out here.
Anyways, the way that I look at it is this. You can let this be a pebble to stumble over or it can be a huge bump that puts you flat on your face. Either way there is only one choice. To get up and do it again and love yourself even more for it. Tend to your wounds and brush yourself off and move upwards. For me I kind of feel like this is a constant journey and when you are an emotional eater you are either moving forward or back. There is no standing still. It is all a choice. What direction are you facing? You can't hate your way to goal. YOU ARE WORTH being healthy and happy. End of story.

Bluegrass Mama said...

I can't give you any easy answers, just more encouragement. One spike in the downward weight loss line doesn't have to be the end of the downward trend. We're all pulling for you!

Bluegrass Mama said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

hey... i live in san diego too. and a couple years ago i was obese. so you're not the only one. but i know how it feels that way. you know what, though, we're lucky to live in such a health-conscious city. i visited north carolina recently and i was disgusted by the food choices... it seemed like everything was deep-fried, nothing was fresh or natural, and the people there looked so unhealthy.

slipping up is OK... it's normal. now you can slowly get on track and start being kind to your body again by feeding it the wholesome food it needs to function happily.

Jennifer said...

I just discovered your blog earlier this week, so here's a perspective from a brand new reader:

When I first stumbled across your site one of the first things I noticed was your extensive archives. I looked at your progress over the past few months and decided to become a regular reader b/c I was inspired by your dedication and ability to stick to your goals.

As other commenters have pointed out, you've come such a long way, it'd be a shame to let a couple bad weeks derail your focus.

Best of luck. I'll be rooting for you.

Noames said...

P.S. I just looked at your progress page and noticed that while you may have gained in pounds, your body fat percentage and measurements are all down. Which means that you're gaining muscle and becoming stronger. Which is not the same thing as backsliding.

It doesn't negate how you feel, but it is a good thing, nonetheless.

ms ralph said...

I will say this once only, nothing you write could ever make me stop wanting to read your blog. I enjoy reading about you, no matter what that is. And, I know at this very moment you may not be feeling the most hopeful that you will achieve your goals, but I can only hope for you that by the time you read all these wonderful comments you will have it back. As someone previously said, I too am rooting for you.

Lynda said...

The first time in 10 months? Goodness! That's disappointing, but not a sign that you are spinning out of control with no ability to do what you need to do to get yourself on the track YOU have chosen. You know, I read your post about happiness - if I were you, I would go read it again.

Do I even begin to believe every woman in San Diego is perfect BUT you? Not hardly. It's okay to make a mistake, you know. You are NOT your size. Your size has an effect on your life, granted, but is it WHO you are? As we've all heard before, don't confuse your self-image with your body image.

I am pulling for you all the way. Make your choices. Take baby steps. Don't get so overwhelmed and please don't be so hard on yourself!

Ms Gigglepuss said...

Yep, you can't scare me away from reading your blog. I know it's tough to see that first gain for the month...and this being the first one in 10 months is pretty damn amazing. I understand your feelings about the only fat girl...I go to classes and all I see is thin girls...only chubsters are the men. Well anyways, I'm digressing, but I'm rooting for you and I know you can nip this gain in the bud.

M@rla said...

Denise, baby baby baby. It's okay. I swear to you, IT'S GOING TO BE OKAY. Look, you've had a couple crazy weeks, we won't deny that, but it doesn't mean every week from now on will be the same way. Gaining some weight doesn't mean you're automatically doomed to 262 forever. I know, because that's the way I think too. I think whatever bad thing is happening NOW is how it will be always. It won't.

And fuck the chubby chasers; you don't need that, you don't deserve it, and you're not destined for it. You're going to meet a wonderful man who's worthy of you, and you'll meet him at the right time and the right place, which is not necessarily related to your weight. Please understand how awesome and fabulous you are, and how much you are loved right now.

Anonymous said...

denise, you know I normally would be encouraging you, telling you it's okay, but I'm sorry, not this time - so you gained weight the last couple of weeks - SO WHAT!!!!!!! Please, all of us trying to gain the body/health we want have been there - we understand, we all slip back occasionally - but to turn it into a complete soap opera? OH MY GOD!!! Get a grip woman! You're a tough sassy lady, I look at the schedule of stuff you get through, the love and time you give your 'foster son', the stuff you have to do for work, and then factor in the time you spend at school, and working out, and I'm flabbergasted and awestruck - you do so much, so well, please put some of that mighty intelligence into play - you TOTALLY know that this is not the end of everything, it's just being human for God's sake, and you will get back on the walker, get back on the good food, and you will keep gaining muscle and losing inches - I have NO DOUBT! A little bit of mourning and beating yourself up is fine, but you're heading into self- indulgence territory now - you're going to make it, you've scared yourself too much not to, and you've also liked yourself, and what you're doing FOR yourself too much not to get back in the saddle ... it mightn't be today, but I'm positive it'll bein the next week at least. You rock Denise (sorry about the cliche!), and you WILL succeed!

chaos said...

I'm not going to say anything new, I just want to reiterate that you will figure this out. It will be ok. A gain now and then will happen, it just will. Even once you reach goal (and you will reach goal) you will still gain and lose weight as life comes and goes. All in stride. You will get it back. It is all so confusing and hard. But, hey, if it wasn't hard, we all would have lost 60lbs by now. And, trust me, we haven't. But You Have. I'm cheering for you.

BD said...

I'm in agreement with everyone. One month does not a trend make. Everyone has setbacks. I still have them. I understand where you are coming from. My doctor told me that I was morbidly obese almost two years ago. I felt terrible about my body and about myself. My blood pressure had spiked so high that I had a blood vessel burst in my eye. I was not in good shape. I was afraid that I might die too young to see our child grow up. Then, like you, I decided to make changes in my life and I stuck with them. Little by little I made progress. Then I accomplished the impossible. In October 2004 I ran a marathon. That's right, 26.2 miles. Ran it. If you knew me, if you could have seen me, then you would realize just how impossible an achievement this was. I share this not to brag. It is to make a point. It was impossible for me to run a marathon, yet I did it. If I could do that then I know, and I really mean that I KNOW, that you can get back on track. You just have to decide to do it. And you have to keep deciding, every week, every day, every minute, and every second, if need be. But you must continue to decide that you want to be healthy. Eventually all the worries and doubts will slip away and one day you will achieve your goal. Because you really CAN do it. If you want to.

Michael said...

Yes, Denise, you had a temporary setback, but the battle is far from being lost. Yes, you're not quite where you think you should be, but you still are nowhere near where you were 10 months ago.

So what if your journey takes a little longer because you meandered for a little off of the path--at least you are not completely lost and can get right back on the path without too much trouble.

When I backslid 30 pounds, I was so full of regret and self-loathing, but when I returned to my routine, my progress was even more successful than it was the first time around.

So, it is now a new month (at least on my coast). Here's to April! Let it be a month to let go of regret, to pat yourself on the back for all of the successful months you have had so far, and to renew your commitment to getting healthy. :-)

a new start said...

Denise,

I felt such pain and sadness when I read your post today...I have been where you are too many times and each time I slipped, it nearly destroyed me...my confidence, my character, and my self-worth. I was only able to loose 10 pounds from June to January of this year...and I still haven't moved from that weight! So I am a bit frustrated as well.

I am 37 years old and have not had a serious relationship...worst yet, I've only really been out w/ one person in my life and that was a day date...and unfortunately, that person past away shortly after...there hasn't been anyone else since...not that there have been opportunities for me when most of my friends are skinny and attractive...I'm the fat girl. So yes, I know how frustrating this is.

Lets talk health...I've got high blood pressure...been taking medication (200mg) for almost 5 years now...I had to see a cardiologist and a hepatologist... so yes, this drives me to make myself better...My cardiologist says I'm okay, my hepatologist says I'm okay ... I just need to take care of my blood pressure...

I make sure that no matter what I get in 5 days of workout even if it kills me because I don't want to leave this life without giving myself the life I know I deserve...I know that I am just as worthy as the next person...

You are just as worthy, Denise...keep struggling, keep plowing no matter what...every step you take will get you closer to the life you deserve...WE CAN DO THIS!!!

Silverella said...

It is always invigorating to read inspirational posts of success. But it is precious to read open, honest and real posts of another person who goes exactly what I have gone through so many times. It gives me comfort in the sense that I feel I am not alone. How could this ever put me off from reading you?! Or any of us really?

If there is one straight forward answer to all those "why's", I don't have it.

I wish we could all bottle up this "go go" feeling that we have at times that makes eating right and exercising lots to seem easy. But we can not I'm afraid. Or I'd be selling those bottles and have become rich by now ;o)

What we all have is this burning fire inside us of wanting it to happen. Now. Quick!

For someone who has been morbidly obese like I have been, the baby steps get so tiring at times. When you know you have another whole person to loose, it is purely discouraging and you think that actually doing it is just a dream, of the ones that are doomed to not get realised.

But 60 or 50 pounds ago, you never really thought youd reach a point of so much weight lost.

But you know what my darling? You actually did!!!

And you know what else? You will get back to it.

Because when someone travels through the dark tunnel, and reaches a point where they see some little ray of light, after walking and walking in the dark for so long, no matter how backwards they go, they always KNOW that the light is indeed there, that there is indeed an exit to this tunnel. And they can go back to travelling forwards.

I will be here to hold your hand and walk this tunnel with you.

Because let's face it Denise. We are all meant to be out there in the light! Such gorgeous flowers we are all, we want it, we deserve it, and we will fucking do it!!!!

Kris said...

Denise,
Chubby chasers: I agree -- (gag)!! To me that's as bad as someone who will only date a petite size 2. Just the flip side of the same coin.

I just wanted to say I hear you. And I understand. I am so glad that you have all these people that care about you. I know you worry about the advice and comments and the things we all say to you here...so I am not going to give you a pep talk, as much as I really, really want to. :P I'm just going to say you inspire me with your achievements and your honesty. And I love reading your blog whether it's an up or a down post because it's real and it's true and it's your journey. I always tend to think when the gray clouds roll in that they are here to stay. I understand. And it will get better, Denise. It really will. (Ok, that was a tiny bit of a pep talk, but...I couldn't help it!!)
BIG HUGS TO YOU!
Kris

agategoddess said...

I wish I had an answer for you, but seeing as how I'm hitting the same problem, I'm the last person to be dishing out advice. Just know that you'll get through this. Something will click or strike a chord and *BAM* there it will be. And you'll get back on track. And you'll do what you set out to do.

I'm still waiting for my own *BAM* moment myself. I know why I'm doing (or not doing for that matter) something but it's just getting myself to STOP doing it.

Hang in there girly, we all have faith in you.

Dee said...

Hi Denise,

I found your site through a friend and like so many out there you spoke right to my heart.

It truly is an upward battle at times, but what really urks me is I tend to sabotage it when it's all going well. Like there is some kind of subconscious part of me just waiting for me to fail. So I can start hiding again.

It's hard to face your fears, but it's much much harder to stand face to face with your dreams. I wish you enough strength to make just the next step, and enough love to smile at the step behind you.

MR Hester said...

Denise - I think the emotional roller coaster from New Orleans must have triggered the weight gain plus you didn't exactly stick to your guns in the eating and drinking department while you were there so it that might have slowed your metabolism down a bit. I don't remember if you do this, but keeping a written food journal (everyday) helps me and puts it in black & white everything I put in my mouth.

Get a pedometer (if you don't already have one) and look for every opportunity to get some additional exercise. Set a goal of getting a certain number of steps in every day. Park at the back of the parking lot when going shopping. Take the stairs if possible - even if you have to walk up or down them slowly. Take Alcott skating or bike riding. Set an alarm and get up from your desk and walk around every hour or do some sort of calisthenics while sitting at your desk. Come on girl, you can help me think of ways to move, move, move.

You've should be proud because you already lost 60 lbs (even if you gained 10 back) and I know that you can get back on track and not only lose that nasty 10, but another 60 as well. Please let this be only a TEMPORARY setback and not a permanent one and realize that we all have temporary setbacks in every aspect of our lives. It's only permanent if you let it be and I know you are stronger than to let this little setback become permanent.

You can do this and when you dig deep enough within yourself you know it too.

lainb said...

You've accomplished so much...this is just a minor bump in the road. I understand you're worried about finding love, but love IS out there waiting for you...but it's waiting for you to first love yourself. YOU are important...YOUR HEALTH is important. We're all here cheering you on as you take this journey step-by-step, day-by-day. Don't be afraid to have setbacks...it's what ultimately pushes us forward!

Ami said...

*slap*
Sorry. I just know what that kind of desperation feels like....that astonishment of wondering how the hell to help yourself. You can so clearly see what you need to do and you know you can do it, so what don't you? For the love of GOD!? Yep, I know exactly what the feels like and it always felt to me like the kind of hysterical that needed a face slap, like they do in the movies LOL

Anyway, I don't know how to help. I couldn't help myself either. You and I both had close starting weights - mine was 267 and I'm 5'4. Right now I weigh 148.5. I had the RNY and I've had problem after problem. Its been nearly 2 years and these last 15 or 20 lbs are proving hard as hell to lose. Because of the problems I have had, I am not a big advocate of the surgery. But when you are 37 years old, diabetic and are having signs of neuropathy (the tingling) then maybe its worth it. I don't know. But I do know that the surgery (or actually living with it) is hard. Hard, hard, hard. My body has forced me to lose weight, but even though I am only 28, the extra skin is atrocious. Ive had my belly fixed (and it looks great) but my thighs, underarms, ass, oy. They will never be the same. I am so lucky in so many respects - I have three beautiful children and a husband who loves me totally and has since we were in junior high. Losing weight did not give me that. In fact, losing weight hasn't given me much of anything except a smaller shadow. It sounds like it could give you so much though. So hang in there. I don't know how to help you but I do know I am praying for you and I am pulling hard for you!

Ami said...

*slap*
Sorry. I just know what that kind of desperation feels like....that astonishment of wondering how the hell to help yourself. You can so clearly see what you need to do and you know you can do it, so what don't you? For the love of GOD!? Yep, I know exactly what the feels like and it always felt to me like the kind of hysterical that needed a face slap, like they do in the movies LOL

Anyway, I don't know how to help. I couldn't help myself either. You and I both had close starting weights - mine was 267 and I'm 5'4. Right now I weigh 148.5. I had the RNY and I've had problem after problem. Its been nearly 2 years and these last 15 or 20 lbs are proving hard as hell to lose. Because of the problems I have had, I am not a big advocate of the surgery. But when you are 37 years old, diabetic and are having signs of neuropathy (the tingling) then maybe its worth it. I don't know. But I do know that the surgery (or actually living with it) is hard. Hard, hard, hard. My body has forced me to lose weight, but even though I am only 28, the extra skin is atrocious. Ive had my belly fixed (and it looks great) but my thighs, underarms, ass, oy. They will never be the same. I am so lucky in so many respects - I have three beautiful children and a husband who loves me totally and has since we were in junior high. Losing weight did not give me that. In fact, losing weight hasn't given me much of anything except a smaller shadow. It sounds like it could give you so much though. So hang in there. I don't know how to help you but I do know I am praying for you and I am pulling hard for you!