Friday, April 01, 2005

Nothing to see here

[OK, this is now, officially, a weight drama free zone. It's clear to me that sharing my freaking out is not something I can do here any more, so that will move to my other site where only one person other than me will read it and that person is where I am on the journey so they won't freak out. This site will be my "everything other than weight loss and health" place for a while, until I can return to light, fluffy writing about my happy journey to better health. It's either that or disable the comments and I hate doing that, so this is my compromise.

Did you know that several of yesterday's comments actually made me cry? Yes, that's right, kids, I'm a human being. I know it's tempting, when reading one of these things, to think that we're all just characters in some tele-drama, but I'm real, and when I write that I can feel myself slipping back into the Hell that was my life 10 months ago it's not me being hysterical, it's because - and here's the crazy part - that's how I'm feeling! To think that people actually have the gall to write comments that, in essence, invalidate the way I'm feeling when they're not here...well, that just makes me feel sick to my stomach. I actually thought about getting rid of this site entirely, but I love it and I love most of the people who visit my thoughts here, so it's staying with a few changes.]


Friday morning. Yesterday was a wonderful day. I left work early to pick Alcott up for an important visit. While he was visiting, I got to sit and think (and watch the visit from a distance) and I realized how lucky I am to have him in my life. Yes, he's a teenager and sometimes his (apparent) lack of enthusiasm hurts me, but then he'll share something with me that's so personal and important to him and I'll realize that I am important to him, that I do make a difference, and that his life is better because I'm in it. I can't tell you how that feels. For a girl who's always wavered on her own importance, that feeling is Nirvana.

Junior League is coming along nicely, too. The Placement Fair, where all members are placed on the committee/council assignments that they'll have for the next year, is in a few weeks and I'll be meeting with my Placement Advisor next week. I'm pretty much decided on SPAC - the political action committee of the League - but the Training and Finance committees sound pretty interesting, too. I know, I'm a freak because I'm going for all of the serious stuff when most girls are queueing up for the event planning gigs. Well, what can I say? I want to make a difference and I'm just not the party planning girl right now. Perhaps next year. Besides, there's lots of competition for the "fun" committees and it will be easy to get on all of the committees I'm interested in. Ha!

School starts up next week and I have a 5-7 page paper due on the first night of class. Any guesses as to when I will start that paper? Well, in the sense that I've got to do all of the first night's readings before I can even start writing, I will "start" on it over the weekend, but I'll be very surprised if the writing portion begins before Tuesday night (it's due Wednesday night).

15 comments:

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry that some @$$hole has to make detrimental comments and make you cry. That's HORRIBLE!!! If I could, I'd hunt them down and smack 'em around for you. The weight loss journey can be a dark and stormy road and to have someone bash you when you lay your heart out....*shaking head* Makes you wonder about the future of humanity, huh?
Annie @ anniede.blogdrive.com

Rebecca said...

I'm just checking in after being absent for a couple days (sorry) and now I have to go play catch up with your posts and see who hurt you so I can send mean vibes. I'm sorry somebody's rudeness hurt your feelings. :(

Mamato2boys said...

Oh sweets I am so sorry. I can't imagine having to face all of that. I personally thank you for being so real. Others that struggle need to understand that those feelings are normal and WHEN you overcome then and come out the other side that can give them hope that they too can do it!
Coming and spilling is just that. Every single thought and feeling that you have is real. Yes sometimes they fade and sometimes you are able to come out the other side and see that when the hurricane dies down maybe in retrospect you were stronger than you thought. That doesn't mean the deperation and fear are not real. Sending you warm cuddly hugs! Go out and enjoy some of this sunshine today!! Try not to smash too many butterflies on your drive :o)
PS Is your windshield covered in yellow butterflies remains. It pinches my heart everytime I hit one. Darn migration!
Smiles and Hugs!
Ang

LibrarianOnTheLoose said...

Denise you are free to do what you want with your blog of course, but I really need to hear that other people are having struggles as well as successes. Maybe you deleted some of the more obnoxious comments, because every one I read looked like the intent was to (1) show support or (2) propose some changes you could make.... now you can take or leave all that crap but it seemed mostly supportive to me. I am sorry that some people ran roughshod over your feelings, but I deeply appreciate knowing your ups and downs in the weight loss and health department. Good luck and best wishes!

poopie said...

It doesn't matter what other people think, Denise. A blog is a very personal thing...to me, kind of a mirror into a soul. And we all know that there's pain in there as well as joy. Anything else would be a fairy tale.

Keep the faith. ^j^

Shannin said...

Sorry that some of the comments got to you. It's hard to be honest and pour your heart out only to have someone stomp all over it. You know where I am, and I'm here to support you, whatever you decide.

P.S. -- you will always be my friend, and one of my best inspirations, at 145 pounds or at 262. I hope you know that.

Kris said...

Dear Denise,
Whatever you decide to write (or not write) about, I'll be here reading. Thank you, as always, for your sharing honesty, your eloquence and your heart with us.
Kris

sarah said...

I've never actually commented on your blog before, but now that people are being bastards, I have to say that I'm sorry it's driven you to edit your content. Losing weight is frequently depressing, we go insane, our bodies go insane for us, our periods are late or missed or every other day, our digestive system revolts on us, our brains say, "you're going to get fat again" when we all know we'll have plenty of warning before that happens. The dark parts are part of the journey. I'm sorry that you feel like you have to keep them a secret.

DaFFy said...

Oh Denise. I'm so sorry that you've been having a hard time of it. And don't let people get you down, the ones that matter love you!
And as for Alcott? I think it's 'uncool' at his age to look to enthused :) My nearly 13 y/o van be just the same!

Kelly said...

I'm really sorry that you are having to change what you post and that there were commentors who got the better of you. That's just not cool. *hugs*

ms ralph said...

I don't like what I am hearing simply because I like the unedited denise that I've grown to love reading about. I hope that you are able to work through this in the best way you can and do what is good for denise. I am sorry that someone's comment hurt you.

Mel said...

I sincerely hope you don't stop talking about your weight loss and weight issues. It gives me inspiration to read about how well you are doing. Even though there are a few jerks out there, there are even more people who want to hear what you have to say and support you.

Mia Goddess said...

D - just catching up with my blog reading, as I've been very out of the loop lately. Just wanted to tell you that you are already wonderful, you know how much I adore you, and no matter what you write here, I'll be reading it because I'm interested in ALL of you - not just the good. Not just the challenges. But everything that makes you uniquely you. I don't know what comments were made, but you are everything you are, whether or not somebody knows how to support you and appreciate you. Hang in there! xoxo Mia

Dazed said...

*silently* hoping its all just an april fools day joke...
I just wanted to tell you that you are what motivated me to start a blog and focus on the diet in the first place, you were my first read and i'll always be grateful. maybe this funk will pass, or maybe not, just know that we are all out *here* somewhere, loving you just as you are.

Boonzie said...

Denise, I comment very sporadically on your blog, mainly because I never know how to comment to someone who seems to mirror exactly what my feelings and thoughts are on weight and being healthy. Everything and every feeling you had that you voiced on your March 31 post is everything I have been feeling lately. We know we have to get out of the funk, we know we have to think positively, and we know we have to move on and keep fighting our struggle to not let our weight define us. But sometimes, the funk just IS, and staying positive, as much as it can help, sometimes just does NOT cut it. If it did, then I would be out of my very same funk that I often find myself in, controlled by my weight and desperate to chip away at the persona my weight problem creates. I'm just letting you know that I've been there. For God sakes, I LIVE there, every day, every minute. I know how you feel. Things will go great for you again, but you are entitled to feel just plain crappy sometimes, and desperation about your weight and your struggle is real, and it happens, and it will probably happen again. Your realness about your struggles and your questions about the whole process of getting healthy are what brought me to your blog, and I for one hope that you will remember that this is YOUR blog, and you can damn well voice what you want. And we will all be here reading, because we've been there, and we are there, right here with you.