I'm just your average, everyday, divorced 38 year old girl -- overweight, tragically unhip,
and trying to make a life for myself. I live with two furry beasts, Dave and Abby, whose
feline mission in life is to choke me with their fur. Nothing special.
Saturday evening. Everywhere I look, there are idealized images of life being thrust toward me. Television. Magazines. Catalogs. Like a sponge, I've sucked all of this in for years and years now, using these images to inform my vision of what "happy" and "beautiful" and "elegant" mean. I've been such a good student, in fact, that I'm not even sure what I want for myself.
I see the beautiful Crate and Barrel and Pottery Barn catalogs and I envision my perfect house, with perfect furnishings (all picked out and coordinated by someone else, of course), then I see a spread on a Hollywood bungalow in House Beautiful and that's what my dream home looks like. The models in the windows at Ann Taylor draw me in, whispering promises that - with enough hard work and sweat - I can look just like them in a few months. Until I see the Boden catalog and realize that it's not classic and cool that I aspire to, it's quirky and down to Earth that will make me happy. On and on and on it goes, and where it stops depends on what I see last.
How can you create a personal aesthetic with simply no idea in the world what makes you happy, what brings you joy? Or, is it that too many things bring me joy? I don't even know anymore. I just want to be happy as I am right now - no changes. I am enough if only I will think I am. The secret is that there is no secret, there is only what we put our minds to and what we commit our lives to.
I want to be happy, and so I shall be. Not every moment of every day, perhaps, but happy with the overall direction and content of my life, yes. The weight will come and go (I hope more of the latter than the former), but this is who I am, at 37 years of age, for better or worse. It's time to stop trying to be what I think is beautiful, what someone else's idea of happy is, and just be me. Fully. Happily. Without guilt or recriminations for what might be.
Thursday morning. I met Meta for a latte this morning (he's in town for work) and we talked about looking back at our sites to the time when things were rolling right along with our journey to better health to see if there were any magic words of wisdom.
From June 15 (only nine day into the Ten Percent Challenge):
"Every day, I unearth new and wonderful things about myself that make me feel stronger and more committed to taking care of myself and treating myself with love and kindness. Sometimes, it really does feel like a miracle when I look at where I was just a few months ago or even last month and where I am now - both in terms of the way I'm taking care of myself and the way I feel about myself. The neat thing is that the two things feed each other and become self sustaining, especially in the long term. Eventually, it simply becomes easier to keep doing what feels good and nurtures my positive self image, and, this time around, there's nothing negative in my motivation. I don't feel disgusted with myself as I am, right now, and I'm not desperate to lose weight to feel good about myself, either. I truly am doing this because I want to be healthier, live longer, and stop abusing myself with food. I know it's just a small change, but it means everything to me and I am so grateful for the changes in my life."
At the risk of sounding cliche, that passage really does hold the key for my long term success. I must shift my mindset about myself from one of anger and disgust to a renewed focus on love and kindness. I have to do that despite the fact that my new, beautiful clothes are tight and despite my disappointment over the poor eating choices I've been making of late. This is not irreversible. Yet.
I'm at a crossroads here. I see both paths very clearly and only one leads to a place where I'm happy and at peace. It might take me a little while to get completely back on the path I want, but I feel confident that I see where I need to go and know what I need to do to get there.
Thursday morning. I met Meta for a latte this morning (he's in town for work) and we talked about looking back at our sites to the time when things were rolling right along with our journey to better health to see if there were any magic words of wisdom.
From June 15 (only nine day into the Ten Percent Challenge):
"Every day, I unearth new and wonderful things about myself that make me feel stronger and more committed to taking care of myself and treating myself with love and kindness. Sometimes, it really does feel like a miracle when I look at where I was just a few months ago or even last month and where I am now - both in terms of the way I'm taking care of myself and the way I feel about myself. The neat thing is that the two things feed each other and become self sustaining, especially in the long term. Eventually, it simply becomes easier to keep doing what feels good and nurtures my positive self image, and, this time around, there's nothing negative in my motivation. I don't feel disgusted with myself as I am, right now, and I'm not desperate to lose weight to feel good about myself, either. I truly am doing this because I want to be healthier, live longer, and stop abusing myself with food. I know it's just a small change, but it means everything to me and I am so grateful for the changes in my life."
At the risk of sounding cliche, that passage really does hold the key for my long term success. I must shift my mindset about myself from one of anger and disgust to a renewed focus on love and kindness. I have to do that despite the fact that my new, beautiful clothes are tight and despite my disappointment over the poor eating choices I've been making of late. This is not irreversible. Yet.
I'm at a crossroads here. I see both paths very clearly and only one leads to a place where I'm happy and at peace. It might take me a little while to get completely back on the path I want, but I feel confident that I see where I need to go and know what I need to do to get there.
And now for something completely different (and wonderful)!
Wednesday morning. Imagine my delight when, after a long, difficult day at work and a 45 minute round trip to drop some Easter things off for Alcott afterwards, I found a lovely little package waiting for me. It was my GISBE package, from Elizabeth at http://myownlilspace.blogspot.com, and it's just fabulous. I got a Virginia Woolf bookmark, some hand-crafted stationary, a mini spa box (containing a booklet on relaxation, an aromatherapy candle, and bath salts), a beautiful leather frame, and a home made scarf (the lower picture).
Elizabeth, you cannot know just how much I needed this lovely thing right now - thank you from the bottom of my very full and happy heart!
Tuesday morning. Well, all of yesterday's meals were on target and I managed about half of the water I hoped to drink, so that's all good. I didn't quite get the "no snacking" thing because I had about 10 bites of popcorn, but it was a whole lot better than previous days.
I think Marla might have been right when she suggested I might be having a panic attack, as things seem to have settled down quite a bit just since I put fingers to keyboard and got it all out of me. I don't know, maybe it's just hormones.
This wasn't really such a fascinating post, was it?
[Still no comments. I'm really enjoying the silence and the feeling of writing for myself. They'll go back on soon, though, I promise.]
Sunday night. Well, I did 45 minutes of walking last night, I managed to stay on plan for two out of three meals today, and I'm feeling a lot better about the whole healthy lifestyle thing. I did an hour walk tonight, too, and I went outside for a change, which I think really helped. No music, either, just my thoughts, my shoes, my lungs, and me for an hour. Good for thinking things through and getting clarity on confusing issues.
I woke up this morning bound and determined to shake up my routine and get things flowing in a positive way. I packed up Esme the Escape, popped on a straw hat, shorts, and Keds, and headed out for the Anza Borrego Desert. I've been hearing about how amazing the desert wildflowers are this year because of all the rain, so I decided to go out and see for myself. Turns out that, while it was beautiful out there, the real show is at Death Valley, which is a whole lot further away. Now I'm thinking I'll be taking a little longer road trip next weekend, possibly even an overnight.
Tomorrow, I'm striving to get all of my meals back on track, get in enough water, and not snack. We'll see how it works out, but that's the plan.
