Tuesday, June 15, 2004

Everyday miracles and unanswered prayers

Tuesday evening. Although I'm a little under the weather, it's amazing how good I feel about myself and life in general. I'm already over halfway to losing 10% of my starting weight from last month, which is exciting and, I think, shows that the new and improved Ten Percent Challenge is not only do-able but can bring good results as well.

Every day, I unearth new and wonderful things about myself that make me feel stronger and more committed to taking care of myself and treating myself with love and kindness. Sometimes, it really does feel like a miracle when I look at where I was just a few months ago or even last month and where I am now - both in terms of the way I'm taking care of myself and the way I feel about myself. The neat thing is that the two things feed each other and become self sustaining, especially in the long term. Eventually, it simply becomes easier to keep doing what feels good and nurtures my positive self image, and, this time around, there's nothing negative in my motivation. I don't feel disgusted with myself as I am, right now, and I'm not desperate to lose weight to feel good about myself, either. I truly am doing this because I want to be healthier, live longer, and stop abusing myself with food. I know it's just a small change, but it means everything to me and I am so grateful for the changes in my life.

Finally, I just want to acknowledge how right Garth Brooks was when he said, in his song "Unanswered Prayers" that "some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers". While I was on vacation, self doubt about my decision to end my engagement with Chris crept into my head, keeping me awake several nights tossing and turning. I broke down and called him and poured my heart out. I told him that I thought I'd made a mistake, that I still loved him, and that I felt very badly about the way that I'd ended things without any warning to him. He listened to everything I had to say then proceeded to tell me that, although he didn't hate me (gee, thanks!), he'd been talking to someone else for a little while and that it was over between us. The words drove a stake through my heart and I quickly got off of the phone so that I could have a good cry. The funny thing was, I realized quickly, I didn't really feel like crying. I was sad, yes, and yet also strangely liberated. It was as though I'd been hanging on to him and not fully letting myself move on. Until that moment. I knew then that I would come home and start making the changes in my life that were so desperately needed, changes that would lead me to wholeness and to the life I wanted, on my terms. And, I'm happy to say, that's exactly what I'm doing. Don't ever question why you don't get the things that you want so badly, just know that it's for the best and don't look back.

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