I'm just your average, everyday, divorced 38 year old girl -- overweight, tragically unhip,
and trying to make a life for myself. I live with two furry beasts, Dave and Abby, whose
feline mission in life is to choke me with their fur. Nothing special.
Saturday night. The moment I'd been dreading has come: I just watched the last episode of SATC. As I lie here in bed, crying quietly, I realize just how much I'd come to identify with each of the ladies in the show.
I want to be as sexy, bold, and proud as Samantha,
I want to have the beautiful Park Avenue apartment and doting husband like Charlotte,
I want to be a successful wife and mother like Miranda, and, perhaps most importantly,
I want to be brave enough to give love one more chance, like Carrie.
I know, it's crazy. I've had my heart broken so many times and huge romances are nearly always guaranteed to destroy you when they're over, but I cannot help myself. We are programmed to be who we are and, for better or worse, I'm the girl with the big dream who wears her heart on her sleeve for everyone to see. While I know logically that it's safest to play hard to get, to keep my heart locked away so that no one can hurt me, that's just not who I am. And, I have to believe that, somewhere out there exists a man who dreams big, crazy dreams, too.
Saturday afternoon. Let's get the important stuff out of the way first: go here and vote for Dave and Abby. I don't care that I got my hat handed to me in the BoB awards, but these are my adorable baby kitties and they simply must win! Might I suggest "Those are the most adorable kitties I've ever seen?" or, perhaps, "Their mama sure is lucky!"? Thank you in advance for your support!
Now, for the boring, humdrum stuff. I got a new car.
Thank you - good night!
What? You want to hear more about the new car? Ohhhhh. Okey doke. Well, it's a 2005 F0rd E$cape XLS, 4-cylinder, automatic (my first automatic car!), sort of a midnighty blue color, cruise control, an alarm, nifty chrome wheel thingies (what are those things called? The things that go inside the little tire thing? I have always called them hubcaps, but I know that's not right), LoJack car recovery service, an alarm, and - this is my favorite part! - a Garmin GPS in-car navigation system. Oh, yes, my friends, we may have seen the last of Denise's navigationally challenged detours!!! They threw it in for free because it's President's Day weekend and I was so chuffed that I clapped my hands in glee. (If you're wincing as you imagine what a terribly naive car buying customer I am, you'd be right on track. Fortunately, it's one of those no-haggle dealerships where the salesmen don't work on commission, so he didn't try to up sell me or anything. Gosh, I'd have been lost if he'd done that!) I very nearly cried as I said good bye to my old car, but then I just forced myself to hold it together so that I wouldn't look like a fool in front of everyone at the dealership. Good for me. I very nearly cried as I called my mom to tell her that I'd gotten a brand new (less than 5 miles) car all by myself for the first time ever.
Now, of course, I am looking at my monthly budget and getting scared, but it's just going to be a matter of being really strict about what goes out of pocket and scaling back a few things.
* No store bought lattes * No dinners from my prepared meal provider. I'll do $4 Lean Cuisines instead (about $40 a week cheaper) * No more brow waxing. One last appointment and then I'll start doing my own maintenance * No more salon highlights. As a matter of fact, no more highlights at all. I'm going to use the special brunette shampoo with color enhancers and hoping for the best. * No more than $60 a haircut, including tip - this one will be tough!
Some of this can be added back after I've put some concerted effort behind cutting my credit card debt in order to reduce my monthly required payments. Whatever "extra" money I get - tax refund (I hope!), profit sharing, stock sales - is all going to go toward paying down that credit card, because it's just killing my budget with the addition of the car payments.
Ahhh...I think I'll go and inhale some New Car Smell now!
Friday morning. Today, I'd like to take a moment to promote a couple of the lovely sites on my blogroll. Now, I know that you've all perused these sites before because surely you have memorized all of the sites on the left margin, right? No? Well, today's your lucky day, my friend!
Just Me by Wendy deserves a visit simply because she owns (and uses!) a honest to goodness tiara. I am firmly of the belief that more girls need to understand the power of the tiara, so please do go over and appreciate her lovely words.
And, Sassy Little Punkin by Lindsay. She's a published author and incredibly entertaining young lady. She's also from the land of eternal sunshine (except today, of course - rain again) and endless silicone - aka southern California.
Now, I'm going to pop a few things into the Dryel bag to be freshened for today's foray into the world. Tonight, Alcott's older brother will be making his debut on the varsity basketball team and I'm going, so must look presentable. Current thinking has me in a black silk/cashmere mock neck sweater, black wool trousers, my trusty black D&B tote, black heeled loafers, and bright red wool coat. Happily, their team colors are black and red - fortuitous, don't you think?
Thursday night. I'm in the midst of trying to smush the work of three very different writers (two of whom, I fear, have seriously OVER cited their material) into one cohesive paper with correctly formatted references. You know, I understand that the University wants to simulate a real world environment by having us work in teams, but honestly, I wish I could just be responsible for my own fate. I feel pressured to work on a schedule I'm not comfortable with and I don't want to change anything significant in their content because, well, that would be wrong. What they wrote is what they wrote and I just need to make it flow properly and make sure it's grammatically correct. I'm also afraid that they're going to be mad that I've only got two references for my page of material, but I purposefully didn't want to go too heavy on the references (I hate that, it's so distracting when you're reading). Seriously, couldn't I just be a team by myself?
Moving on, I'm musing on the question of whether it's still a day dream if it's dark out. You see, a certain young man (as my mother would say) keeps coming to my thoughts, unbidden. His clever repartee and charm make me smile each time I see his name pop up in my inbox. I think silly, lazy, disorganized thoughts about love and laughter and the Impossible Dream, even as I know that it is madness to contemplate walking through that neighborhood. The gentleman in question, I'm certain, has no such thoughts about me, but I have to ask myself, is a life lived safely really worth the effort? Is it better to stay on the shore or should we sail our boats confidently onto the open water and find what lurks just beyond the edge of what we know? Unlike cats, we have only one life to live. When lived properly, however, I believe that once can be enough.
Thursday night. Thank you to all of you lovely folks that contacted me about yesterday's post. I really appreciate the support and I'm feeling much better today.
To everyone who has Blogger comments (like me now), I'm sorry I haven't commented on your sites today, but I think there's something seriously wrong with Blogger today. I couldn't even get to some of your sites and others I could get to but comments just wouldn't work. I am full of thoughts and wishes for all of you and am terribly frustrated not to be able to express them. Trust me when I say that you're on my mind.
So, in a startling burst of original thought, I started thinking about how tough it is, sometimes, to do the right thing. Food, exercise, ethics, morality...all of it involves giving up something that we want because we oughtn't have it. I do not often think that way about life in general, but occasionally - today, for instance - it just hits me between the eyes: this is hard. Hard because it feels as though, by giving up so much, all I'm really doing is making myself a life full of unfulfilled desires, where I daydream of things I cannot have. And then I snap myself out of it.
I am giving up certain things (gluttony and sloth) in order to gain others (health, friends, a social life, self esteem, etc) and it's a more than fair trade. No, it doesn't get any easier but there are moments of such pure beauty and joy that my heart and head simply cannot absorb it all, and I must cry out soundlessly with the feeling of it because there are no words. And so I come to an understanding, an uneasy truce.
Tania has tagged me on a meme about a subject that I really enjoy: music! I believe that music has the power to expand our soul and to take us to places in our mind we never knew existed.
Total amount of music files on your computer: I have 152 music files on my computer. (I'm sort of new to the "get your music on the Internet" phenomenon.)
The last CD you bought was:Modern Love Songs from Starbucks. Some really great songs and some not so really great songs, but I always sing along.
What is the song you last listened to before reading this message: Mexican Wine by Fountains of Wayne.
Write down 5 songs you often listen to or that mean a lot to you:
At Last by Etta James - If listening to this woman and this song doesn't make your heart burst with emotion, you probably need to get checked for a soul.
Brown-Eyed Girl by Van Morrison - Such a happy song and who doesn't like the "sha la la la la la la la la la latidah"???
Why Can't I Be You? by The Cure - Tough to choose just one song by this, one of my all time favorite bands.
Love to Hate You by Erasure - This song reminds me of my carefree youth and never fails to make me want to get up and dance.
Bitch by Meredith Brooks - How can anyone not love a song that has such fabulous lyrics? "I'm a bitch, I'm a lover, I'm a child, I'm a mother, I'm a sinner, I'm a saint. I will not be ashamed!"
Okay, time to let others in on the fun! I'm hoping these people will jump on the music carousel:
Shannin - because I have no idea what sort of music you like!
Marla - because everything Marla writes is wonderful and she frequently makes me laugh.
And, although he'll probably never see this because he's too busy to visit anymore, Meta - because he's such the man of mystery and I'm dying to find out what sort of music he listens to. (Just teasing you about the "too busy to visit" thing, Dude!)
Wednesday night. I've been pretty much on plan with food all day, or close enough to make me happy. This is good. No exercise because I had a study team session directly after work, but that's OK, too.
I need to write about something now and I don't want anyone to say "no, that's not true" or "gosh, you're not a bad person" because none of you know me in my real life and you only see what I want to present. I have to get this out because it's going to fester otherwise and I just can't keep a separate blog for the stuff I'm too ashamed or embarrassed to share here.
So here's what happened: in my study team session tonight, the lone male on our team called me out about 45 minutes into our session for being bossy, pushy, overly sarcastic, and for making him feel bad about himself. At first, I thought to myself how wrong he was and I reacted by trying to smooth things over with a platitude about how maybe we could do things a little differently to make it easier for him. Wrong-o again, Denise. He called me out again, this time for basically being patronizing about what he'd said. It hurt like heck and it was all I could do not to get up, gather my things, and walk out, but he was right. I was silent for a while as everyone else worked through our assignments and I thought about how my personality had caused such a huge tumult in our group and for this (very nice) man.
I know I'm not a bad person, but my personality really rubs some people the wrong way. I am very sarcastic, and it's not meant to hurt anyone, it's just me trying to be funny. What I miss is that it does hurt people or annoy them and it's just this stupid defense mechanism against being teased and made fun of myself. I just need to stop. Seriously, I need to stop trying to make a joke out of everything and learn to be quiet more often. And I am bossy, too. I don't mean to be, but I am. And I made him feel like I thought he wasn't smart, which is totally not true, but that's how he felt, so it's valid.
Now that I'm sitting with the really awful feeling, I'm sifting through my memory bank and wondering how many other people I've hurt or angered or put off because of my abrasiveness? How much work is it to like me because of the way that I act? Most importantly, how can I stop this? If I make my life this happy place for with good health and good works...and yet no one can stand to be around me, this will have all been for naught - how sad is that?
I have to be able to change, although I just don't know how yet. It can't be too late, it just can't.
Tuesday night. Confession is good for the soul, or so they say, and so, reluctantly, I shall bare all to you - my faithful (three) readers: I have strayed. What started as a slight deviation from my eating plan over the weekend has turned into the beginnings of a free fall. It must and shall be stopped, and I don't even want to know how much hard-lost weight I have regained. I'm not beating myself up, but I'm through giving myself permission to loaf and be less than I'm capable of. This isn't about eating too much, it's about selling myself short and putting more value on a bowl of chili than on my health and well being. (Just to be clear, I am a whole lot more valuable than a bowl of chili, no matter how good!)
What needs to happen between now and March 8, when I leave for New Orleans, is a complete, strict rededication to my plan. I will not go to that business meeting at more than 200 pounds. It simply will not happen. It's time to get serious about this again and stop fooling myself into thinking I can eat like a normal person and not gain weight. Hello? Denise, you're not a normal person, you're a person with an eating disorder. You need to eat what's on the healthy meal plan and a nonfat, decaf, sugar free hazelnut latte - nothing else. Not a scone, not chocolates, not chili, not a turkey and pesto sandwich from Starbucks - none of the above.
I deserve better than the way I've been treating myself. I wouldn't put up with shoddy treatment from anyone else and I'm sure not going to let me get away with it, either.
Monday morning. Yesterday, I gave myself the best Valentine's present ever.
While I was walking through the Target parking lot on my way back to the car, it suddenly hit me that I know why I'm so happy of late: I have found my place. For so many years, I wandered around my days feeling disconnected, unloved, unappreciated, and lost, and now I have found my place - the place where I belong, the people that I belong to, and the life that makes my heart sing. There can be no better feeling in the entire Universe than this and I wish it for each and every one of you, too.
