Thursday, February 17, 2005

It just is

Thursday night. Thank you to all of you lovely folks that contacted me about yesterday's post. I really appreciate the support and I'm feeling much better today.

To everyone who has Blogger comments (like me now), I'm sorry I haven't commented on your sites today, but I think there's something seriously wrong with Blogger today. I couldn't even get to some of your sites and others I could get to but comments just wouldn't work. I am full of thoughts and wishes for all of you and am terribly frustrated not to be able to express them. Trust me when I say that you're on my mind.

So, in a startling burst of original thought, I started thinking about how tough it is, sometimes, to do the right thing. Food, exercise, ethics, morality...all of it involves giving up something that we want because we oughtn't have it. I do not often think that way about life in general, but occasionally - today, for instance - it just hits me between the eyes: this is hard. Hard because it feels as though, by giving up so much, all I'm really doing is making myself a life full of unfulfilled desires, where I daydream of things I cannot have. And then I snap myself out of it.

I am giving up certain things (gluttony and sloth) in order to gain others (health, friends, a social life, self esteem, etc) and it's a more than fair trade. No, it doesn't get any easier but there are moments of such pure beauty and joy that my heart and head simply cannot absorb it all, and I must cry out soundlessly with the feeling of it because there are no words. And so I come to an understanding, an uneasy truce.

It's not bad, it's not good, it's just what is.

No comments: