I'm just your average, everyday, divorced 38 year old girl -- overweight, tragically unhip,
and trying to make a life for myself. I live with two furry beasts, Dave and Abby, whose
feline mission in life is to choke me with their fur. Nothing special.
What do you write about when it's all going boringly well?
Friday afternoon. I think we are about to find out the answer to the question posed in the title.
I apologize for having been absent several days, I just don't have much to write about because things are going really well. I don't want to come here and say that every day, so I've sort of been lurking and waiting for something blogworthy to happen. Since that hasn't happened yet, here I am, scrounging for something interesting to write about. I'm thinking this is going to be a compilation of totally random thoughts but, come to think of it, isn't that what I usually do?
Things I've noticed this week (not necessarily interesting to anyone but me) include:
* I have definitely kicked the clothes I wear to work up a notch. In the past, it's been leggings and sweaters or, during the summer, shorts and short sleeved shirts. (Yes, it's very casual around here.) This week, I've worn heels every day I've been in the office and even remembered to put mascara on. Today, I've got on a new twin set (adorable eyelet and ruffles creation in taupe) with a black, swingy, knee length skirt, and two inch high, black patent, t-strap shoes. I've already had several comments about how nice I look, which is awesome. I know that this is a direct result of my increasing self esteem and positive feelings about myself. Yay for me!
* Even though I was mentally tired and really wanted to meld and become one with the couch last night, I was equally drawn to take my 22 minute walk (plus five minutes each for warm up and cool down), which is what I actually did. Yes, it was a little slower than the night before, when I'd really pushed myself to pick up the pace, but it got my heart rate elevated and made me sweaty, and it felt good. Daily walking is really becoming part of my routine and it isn't the chore (or as painful) as it used to be. [Note: I apologize to anyone who has been hearing my voice in their heads while trying to avoid getting out and doing their activity of choice - I honestly thought I was the only one that could hear those voices!]
* I'm not as intimidated by others that I used to perceive as "stronger" than me and I'm starting to stand up for myself more, both at work and at home. I'm learing that there's a difference between being pushy and being assertive. I have the right to say how I feel and to have my opinion and feelings acknowledged, even if nothing more comes of it. Just being heard is a wonderful feeling and it beats the heck out of being passive-aggressive and always mad because no one listens to you.
* I keep finding new areas that I want to explore and work on for myself. For instance, my terminal case of procrastination-itis. I've signed up for a class on Barnes & Noble.com to help me be more focused and get things done. This also has the good fortune to allow me to complete one of my objectives for my annual performance appraisal, which is nice.
In the meantime, I continue to eat only my healthy gourmet meals, drink 100 ounces of water each day, and get my pre-arranged amount of activity in on five or six days a week. I am also continuing to nurture my self esteem through positive thinking and speaking about myself. I know it sounds really Stuart Smalley-ish, but it's working for me and that's what counts.
Tuesday evening. Although I'm a little under the weather, it's amazing how good I feel about myself and life in general. I'm already over halfway to losing 10% of my starting weight from last month, which is exciting and, I think, shows that the new and improved Ten Percent Challenge is not only do-able but can bring good results as well.
Every day, I unearth new and wonderful things about myself that make me feel stronger and more committed to taking care of myself and treating myself with love and kindness. Sometimes, it really does feel like a miracle when I look at where I was just a few months ago or even last month and where I am now - both in terms of the way I'm taking care of myself and the way I feel about myself. The neat thing is that the two things feed each other and become self sustaining, especially in the long term. Eventually, it simply becomes easier to keep doing what feels good and nurtures my positive self image, and, this time around, there's nothing negative in my motivation. I don't feel disgusted with myself as I am, right now, and I'm not desperate to lose weight to feel good about myself, either. I truly am doing this because I want to be healthier, live longer, and stop abusing myself with food. I know it's just a small change, but it means everything to me and I am so grateful for the changes in my life.
Finally, I just want to acknowledge how right Garth Brooks was when he said, in his song "Unanswered Prayers" that "some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers". While I was on vacation, self doubt about my decision to end my engagement with Chris crept into my head, keeping me awake several nights tossing and turning. I broke down and called him and poured my heart out. I told him that I thought I'd made a mistake, that I still loved him, and that I felt very badly about the way that I'd ended things without any warning to him. He listened to everything I had to say then proceeded to tell me that, although he didn't hate me (gee, thanks!), he'd been talking to someone else for a little while and that it was over between us. The words drove a stake through my heart and I quickly got off of the phone so that I could have a good cry. The funny thing was, I realized quickly, I didn't really feel like crying. I was sad, yes, and yet also strangely liberated. It was as though I'd been hanging on to him and not fully letting myself move on. Until that moment. I knew then that I would come home and start making the changes in my life that were so desperately needed, changes that would lead me to wholeness and to the life I wanted, on my terms. And, I'm happy to say, that's exactly what I'm doing. Don't ever question why you don't get the things that you want so badly, just know that it's for the best and don't look back.
Sunday night. Well, it's been over a week since I launched the revamped Ten Percent Challenge and I'm still going strong. I feel really good and very strong and, perhaps most importantly, as though I can keep doing this forever. Eating healthy food, getting some kind of activity in most days, drinking adequate water, daily celebrations, and focusing on the positive about myself are all very attainable yet truly powerful goals and I can already see some wonderful results.
Some results are tangible, such as the number on my scale, which has dropped about 13 pounds in the last month or the fact that I'm wearing a cute little skirt that I picked up in April which was about two inches too small at the waist and is now comfortable - no binding, no cutting off the circulation below my waist. Some can be seen from the outside by others, such as the glow of improving health or the narrowing of my face (my aesthetician noticed it yesterday when I was getting my brows waxed).
Still, the best, most important changes are those that only I can appreciate. The feeling when I wake up in the morning and know that it's going to be a great day because it's all about my reactions and my attitude. Looking into the mirror - the entire mirror - and liking what I see. Making peace with my body so that I don't objectify and vilify certain body parts as "too big" or "disgusting" or any other negative thing. Yes, my stomach is bigger than I'd like and I have little bulges at the top of my inner thighs, but that doesn't make them, or me, "bad". Every part of my body helps me get through the day, the week, my life, and they are all important and wonderful, no matter what their size or shape. It's really only the way we've been brought up that makes us look at a large tummy and call it ugly, so why not just turn that on its ear and say that no body part ever created is ugly and that they all deserve to be treated with love and kindness. I know, this is a little touchy feely, but it's truly how I feel and what I'm trying to do. I can only say that, for me, after a week, it's working.
Today's celebrations are my cute skirt and my comfortable, happy home. My little condo isn't fancy and there's no decorating theme tying each of the rooms together, but it's safe and it's comfortable and it welcomes everyone that walks through its doors with a space to relax, put your feet up, and enjoy an amazing view of the mountains. It may not be spotlessly clean, but it's my home and I'm proud of it.
