I'm just your average, everyday, divorced 38 year old girl -- overweight, tragically unhip,
and trying to make a life for myself. I live with two furry beasts, Dave and Abby, whose
feline mission in life is to choke me with their fur. Nothing special.
Taking the long way to get right back where I started
Saturday night. When I started this site nearly a year ago, I was so unhappy. Unhappy with my life, unhappy with myself, and unhappy with the world because I thought I deserved better. I poured all of my musings and explorations out here, where it was safe and I could be totally candid, without fear of what anyone would think of me. I have the strangest sense of deja vu.
So, 351 days later, what's changed? Everything and then nothing. On the everything end, I was training for a marathon, getting strong, feeling strong and, more importantly, feeling so happy with myself. I not only knew I could do anything, I was making a lifelong dream come true. Now? Now I sit on the couch feeling sorry for myself and wondering where that girl went. I've come full circle, back to being unhappy, but this time there's a twist, and it's a fairly significant one. I'm not unhappy with Life, I'm unhappy with myself for the way I've been living it.
I've been given talent and ambition and I'm using it as a cushion while I lounge around letting precious moments drift past me. My God, have the suffering and deaths of so many friends and loved ones meant so little to me that I can't see what a huge insult it is to them, to everyone who's ever lived life fully and had it snatched from them, that I, who have this gift and this potential, am doing balls all with it? I'm more than this, so much more, and it's time that I not only remembered that, but honored it in the best way and the only way that matters.
In "Weight Loss as a Spiritual Journey", which I mentioned earlier this week, Dr. Anderson talks about living life "large". No, he's not talking about the size of your body, although that happens to be true of me at the moment, but rather, taking life by the horns, living it to the fullest, reaching for your dreams, no matter how daunting, and making things happen. He issues a challenge to the reader, something to the effect of writing down all of the ways that you're living a small life and limiting yourself needlessly, then taking action to rectify those situations. My list is not small, friends, and I don't know how long it will take me to get through it, but I promise you that I'm not just going to sit around, unhappy. There's a whole, huge world out there and it's time I got better acquainted with it.
Friday afternoon. I saw this on Danelle's site, and I thought it was cute, so I'm "borrowing" it.
1. Enter your first name into Google. 2. Click on "Images". 3. Pick your favorite out of the first page only and post it in your blog.
The reason that I chose this particular picture is because it epitomizes what I'm hoping my life will be like one day. A happy couple out hiking and soaking up the beauty of the world around them. Isn't that what life is supposed to be about? Incidentally, there were at least five pictures of Denise Richards in the results. Nothing to be intimidated by there, is there?
Thursday afternoon. Sorry about not posting yesterday, I just didn't have anything to say. Actually, to be precise, I didn't have anything to say that wasn't crabby, mean spirited, and pointless. In any case, I decided that discretion was the better part of valor and did not post. Rest assured that I missed both of you terribly and will not do it again!
I read something this afternoon that really hit me. It's from a learning tool by Dr Matthew Anderson called "Weight Loss as a Spiritual Journey", which I ordered some months ago in an attempt to marry my struggle with weight loss and one of the greatest sources of strength I have, my faith. In any case, the section that I really connected with deals with what Dr. Anderson calls "the spiritual warrior", someone who is willing to do whatever needs to be done to gain the knowledge and strength necessary to gain the prize they seek.
"How does a spiritual warrior view weight loss? She sees it as an opportunity for growth and transformation. The average person sees weight loss as an ordinary and uncomfortable process that should happen quickly and with as little effort as possible. That is why all those ?fantasy? programs that promise 30 pounds of weight loss in 2 to 4 weeks sell so well. A true spiritual warrior already knows that those programs always fail and she has learned to look past them to the real issues that drive her to overeat.
Weight loss, to the spiritual warrior is a doorway to a new experience of herself. She looks at each challenge, each drive to consume pounds of pizza, pasta and peanut butter as a message from an inner source of wisdom that begs for interpretation. She has found the courage to stop and listen and allow those crucial and life-giving messages to emerge and present their jewels. She is willing to confront her hurts and wounds in the service of her growth and healing and she is aware that she is not perfect and will have to get up from her frequent falls and continue on her journey."
OK, so I'm definitely in the "ordinary" category at this point. I don't want to confront any truths about myself, I don't want to delve into my psyche and re-experience past pain, I just want to lose weight, as expeditiously as possible and with as few speed bumps as possible. I don't handle speed bumps well at all, and I definitely don't look at them as a "message from an inner source of wisdom that begs for interpretation." When something happens to knock me from my weight loss program, I beat myself up, feel sorry for myself, eat a lot to console myself and, if I'm lucky, get back on track eventually.
This piece of information, combined with something that Shannon said on the Weigh Better forum a few days ago, when she reminded me that if I didn't find something to love about the journey from where I am now to where I want to be, I'd find it really hard to stay motivated in the many (MANY) months ahead, has really got me thinking about the way I view losing weight.
In my current mindset, every facet of weight loss and healthier living is a chore, something to be borne so that I can get thin and be happy (they go together automatically, just like macaroni and cheese...didn't you know?). There is nothing pleasureable about it, nothing to be gained (except weight, of course), just deprivation and resentment. This, I think, must stop.
I need to fundamentally change the way I approach this thing. Positive thoughts should, theoretically, have a better chance of producing positive results. I know that negative thoughts have only ever brought negative results for me, not to mention the effect that negativity has had on my overall life. Negativity breeds negativity and, frankly, there's enough of that running around without my contributions.
How will I make this change? Not sure. Just another thing to add to my list of things to figure out.
Tuesday afternoon. I first saw this on Sheila's site and found it interesting, so I'm "borrowing" it.
FIRSTS First job: sales associate on Main Street USA at Disneyland First screen name: RDRLOVER (on AOL) First self purchased CD: I'm answering for my first music purchase, which was a vinyl album, because I'm really old. I purchased "Shaun Cassidy", the self named first album, in 1977. I was 10 years old, so cut me some slack!!! First piercing/tattoo: No tattoo, and my ears were pierced in 1977 First true love: Russ First enemy: The mean girl in first grade that kept following my cousin and I home from school and made us cry.
LASTS Last big car ride: Drove from TriCities airport (TN) to Sweetwater (TN) to Pennington Gap (VA) on Christmas Day. Last kiss: About 5:15am, December 29th, just before Chris had to leave me at the airport Last library book checked out: Oh my gosh, I can't even remember. It would have been in college, because I always buy anything I'm reading for pleasure. Last movie seen: "Life or Something Like It" with Angelina Jolie, on DVD. Last beverage drank: Water. Last food consumed: Cheetos Last phone call: Cell phone call from Chris on his way to work this morning Last CD played: "Up" by Shania Twain Last annoyance: how much it sucks that the Ladies' room is downstairs and I'm upstairs Last pop drank: caffeine free diet Coke with lunch Last ice cream eaten: I can't remember. It's been a really long time Last time scolded: Chris scolded me just this morning for not calling him earlier in the morning to wake him up. Last shirt worn: I'm wearing a black, white, and tan checked button-down shirt right now
I.... I AM: strong I WANT: someone to find a magical "cure" for obesity I HAVE: no idea what is in the drawers in my kitchen I WISH: I had enough money to hire a housekeeper, personal chef, accountant, and personal trainer I HATE: ignorant people. I also hate that bad things seem to happen to good people more often than bad ones I FEAR: death I HEAR: more than I ought to I SEARCH: for high heeled shoes that don't make my feet hurt after 10 minutes of wearing I WONDER: if I'll ever be truly happy with myself I REGRET: not keeping up with my friends, even as I was going through my divorce I LOVE: lazy Saturday mornings, when the entire weekend is still spread out before me I ALWAYS: lock the doors I AM NOT: good at finishing what I start I DANCE: with abandon I SING: in the car, without any sort of shame I CRY: easily
YES or NO: YOU KEEP A DIARY: Well, yes, if you count this site! YOU LIKE TO COOK: I actually LIKE to, it's just that I have to have a recipe YOU HAVE A SECRET YOU HAVE NOT SHARED WITH ANYONE: Yes
DO YOU...? HAVE A CRUSH: Yes WANT TO GET MARRIED: Yes GET MOTION SICKNESS: Yes, especially on long car rides THINK YOURE A HEALTH FREAK: Not in my wildest dreams! CURRENT HAIR COLOR: Mousie brown with blonde and copper highlights EYE COLOR: Sort of a blue-y gray color BIRTHPLACE: Southern California
FAVORITES NUMBER: 3 COLOR: Royal blue DAY: Thursday MONTH: October SONG(S): "Somebody's Baby" by Andru Donalds (it's on the "Good Will Hunting" soundtrack) SEASON: Fall DRINK: Margarita, blended, with salt
PREFERENCES CUDDLE OR MAKE OUT: Hmmm. Tough decision, but I'm going to go with Make Out because you can incorporate cuddling CHOCOLATE MILK, OR HOT CHOCOLATE: Chocolate milk MILK, DARK OR WHITE CHOCOLATE: Milk VANILLA OR CHOCOLATE: Chocolate. What's the point with Vanilla anyway? There's no flavor to it
IN THE LAST 24 HRS, HAVE YOU... CRIED? No HELPED SOMEONE? I let someone get ahead of me in line at the grocery store last night. Does that count? BOUGHT SOMETHING? Yup, several things including my lunch GOTTEN SICK? No GONE TO THE MOVIES? No SAID 'i love you'?: Yes, to Chris WRITTEN A REAL LETTER: No, although I wrote a little note on the tag for a gift I gave at work today TALKED TO AN EX?: No MISSED AN EX?: No WRITTEN IN A JOURNAL?: Not a paper journal, no HAD A SERIOUS TALK?: Yes, if you count work related discussions MISSED SOMEONE? I miss Chris every single day HUGGED SOMEONE? Yup, the person I gave the gift to MADE A GIRL MOAN? Um, no
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step
Tuesday morning. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Thinking about how horrible I feel, nearly all the time. Thinking about what I really want for my future, for myself. Thinking about what Life really means if you're not living it. Thinking that I'm 36 years old and I feel more like 56. For all of my thinking, I haven't got the answer to life or anything terribly profound like that, but I have come to the realization and acceptance of the fact that I've got to start getting some exercise every day and start eating smaller portions of low fat, nutritious foods. Sounds simple enough, doesn't it?
This morning, I've weighed and measured myself. The results of my little fact finding expedition can be found with my links ("My progress") and will be updated every month on the 15th. I'm not putting them here on my main page because, to be frank, I'm more than a little ashamed. I have to say, though, that once I typed them out, they weren't nearly as scary as I'd expected them to be. I've also got my goals on that page, for comparison and measurement of progress toward where I want to get to.
Only time will tell whether or not I'll carry through with this, but something has to change -- it just has to.
