I'm just your average, everyday, divorced 38 year old girl -- overweight, tragically unhip,
and trying to make a life for myself. I live with two furry beasts, Dave and Abby, whose
feline mission in life is to choke me with their fur. Nothing special.
Wednesday afternoon. OK, I am hereby declaring this to be a C free day in my blog. (Not that I won't be thinking about him the entire time I'm writing, but you don't all need to hear it from me everyday, now do you? LOL)
I am becoming concerned, almost disturbed at a couple of trends, both related, that I'm seeing myself displaying lately: I'm not sticking with my DietToGo meals as much and am getting take out more often and I'm not exercising as much as I used to be. Both of these MUST stop!!! I have worked wayyyy too hard, both outwardly and inside, to allow a new romance (OK, yes, technically this is a reference to "him" but only tangentially so.) to waylay me on my journey to better health. I must focus intently on why I'm doing this and fix my goal (the finish line of the LA Marathon next year) in my mind, so that I can push these weaker impulses to the side. I have to say that the sudden desire to binge that has revealed itself in the past few days has me the most concerned. Even last night, it was all that I could do not to start surfing through the cabinets for things to shove into my mouth compulsively. In fact, I have to confess to having snarfed down about 20 almonds while I was upstairs fixing myself some decaf. This, most especially, must not be allowed to happen again. Mindless eating goes against everything I've worked so hard with Dr. Karen and on my own to achieve. The positive thing to come out of this, however, is the fact that I've been able to stop myself (other than the almonds, and I did stop myself at a "reasonable" portion of those, too) and then begin to analyze why I'm suddenly feeling these urges again. As a matter of fact...
Why AM I feeling the urge to binge again all of a sudden? I've passed it off as hormonal, and I do believe that is a factor, but I think it goes deeper than that. I have to believe that the emergence of a strong romantic interest in my life (OK, OK, so I'm breaking my promise, sort of...bear with me, won't you?) plays some part in this "change", too. Am I afraid of what I'm feeling? Not consciously, that's for sure. Perhaps my subconscious is worried about what it might mean to let myself be open to someone who wants and cares for me as much as I do them? I'm not sure. Perhaps it's simple sublimation of what are very strong desires/feelings with food? I just am not sure. What I do know for sure is that I will keep on fighting these efforts at sabotage/self preservation (depending on how you want to look at it, it can be seen as both) with logic, focus, and a determination to be healthy both in body and spirit.
The drop in my activity level is very easily explained. Simply put, I'm spending too much time on the computer and/or phone and not enough time out pounding pavement. If I allow this trend to continue, I will fall behind on my training program and then I won't be able to do my marathon in March. I do not want that to happen, so I will reassert a little more discipline into my life, starting here and now. I need to do 5 days a week of cardio, 3 days of walking/jogging and 2 days of some alternate form of activity (WATP tapes, biking, walking, or elliptical), and I WILL do so. [In a more shallow sense, doing this will help me shrink more quickly, which will be a major factor in whether or not I can fit into the dress I want to wear to a wedding I'm attending the 3rd weekend in June. If you haven't realized it yet, dear readers, I truly am one of the most vain women in the world. Yes, I am fat, but that just makes the urge to try to make myself look as nice as possible even stronger! LOL] OK, so no computer at night until I've done at least 30 minutes of cardio during the week. This doesn't even have to affect C, either, because he's not home until after 10pm my time, which is plenty of time for me to do what I need to do then eat dinner. This is not optional, this is something that I must do. I want the romance and, this time, I want it to remain a positive, wonderful influence on my life which it can do as long as I still carve out time for me. You know, I really did just feel a wave of relief throughout my body...I wonder if that one thing in the last sentence might not be what has me so thrown??? The thought that a new romance must always be the sign of something destructive to come? Interesting thought. I'll have to check back with myself in the next few days as I enforce my new "rules" to see if that assuages the fears. I will be sure to let you know what I find out.
Tuesday's exercise: None Weeks to 2004 LA Marathon: 41
Tuesday afternoon. I am as jumpy as a cat today and I know why: it is only 3 days and 2 hours until I am in C's arms!!! Just the mere thought of being physically in his presence makes my knees weak and my heart pound. I feel like a teenaged girl, except that I know this one is the real thing. I guess that's the benefit of getting older...you also gain experience and insight into others and yourself, and that leaves you much better equipped to know when something's real. Of course, there are always those times that your head tells you that something is wrong and you simply don't listen. This is not one of those times, at least not yet. Yes, this weekend will show with certainty whether or not there is anything hidden that we're not aware of that will keep us from forming the most lasting of bonds, but I just don't expect there will be.
Tough to focus on other areas of my life, but I'm forcing myself to. Eating properly, with a few minor modifications to allow for my hormonal fluctuations, drinking my water, exercising (which has definitely suffered from all of my time online) and getting some sleep! C and I together are working on that last point, even to the point that I brought my kitchen timer down to the computer with me last night so that I could set it and get us off the computer on time. Worked like a charm, as a matter of fact! I cannot even imagine what Thursday will be like, as it's my last day before I leave to see C. Hope no one wants me to think! [Note: just checked Outlook and, at least at this point, I'm clear all day on Thursday, so it will just be dealing with miscellaneous stuff that comes up. Let's hope nothing comes up!]
Trainer Hottie and I are having control issues, methinks. Yesterday's workout was painful (not just for my muscles) because I got a scolding for arguing too much and complaining about the heavier weights too much. Well, from my perspective, if it feels like the weights are going to fall out of my hands because they're so heavy, I feel I ought to mention that. Apparently, if I'm not in agonizing pain, he doesn't want to hear about it. Not sure how much longer I'll be using a trainer, not just because of the conflict arising between us but also for financial reasons. I simply can't justify the expense when I could be using eDiets fitness section and the gym downstairs to do the same thing. I need to get myself out of debt and put my financial affairs in order...just in case. :-)
Monday's exercise: 1 hour of toning/weights/stretching with trainer Weeks to 2004 LA Marathon: 41
Sunday night. Have you ever wondered which of the many steps you have taken in your past brought you to where you are now??? That's how I feel about the situation with C. I have no right to expect that I would have a man as decent, kind, loving, wonderful, and TOTALLY HOT as he is in my life and yet there he is, standing there, loving me. Yes, dear readers, you read that correctly...he loves me. And I him. I know that many people in my life (and probably his, too, for that matter) will not understand and I'm OK with that. At this point, I know that what is in our hearts is honest, pure, and right and if people don't accept that, too bad. You just don't get the opportunity of a lifetime twice, and I'm holding on to this one for dear life.
By the way, telling S (Navy penpal) about C and I was much easier than I'd expected. He was actually very, very sweet about it, told me he was glad that I'd met someone and that as long as C treated me well and made me happy, that he was happy for us. I've said it before and I'll say it again, S is a pretty incredible kid. Fortunately, I know that, once he gets home, there are going to be girls his own age crawling all over him and, at his age, that's what he's supposed to be doing.
Saturday's exercise: 30 minutes of walking/jogging Sunday's exercise: None Weeks to 2004 LA Marathon: 42
