Wednesday, May 21, 2003

Do you EVER think about anything else???

Wednesday afternoon. OK, I am hereby declaring this to be a C free day in my blog. (Not that I won't be thinking about him the entire time I'm writing, but you don't all need to hear it from me everyday, now do you? LOL)

I am becoming concerned, almost disturbed at a couple of trends, both related, that I'm seeing myself displaying lately: I'm not sticking with my DietToGo meals as much and am getting take out more often and I'm not exercising as much as I used to be. Both of these MUST stop!!! I have worked wayyyy too hard, both outwardly and inside, to allow a new romance (OK, yes, technically this is a reference to "him" but only tangentially so.) to waylay me on my journey to better health. I must focus intently on why I'm doing this and fix my goal (the finish line of the LA Marathon next year) in my mind, so that I can push these weaker impulses to the side. I have to say that the sudden desire to binge that has revealed itself in the past few days has me the most concerned. Even last night, it was all that I could do not to start surfing through the cabinets for things to shove into my mouth compulsively. In fact, I have to confess to having snarfed down about 20 almonds while I was upstairs fixing myself some decaf. This, most especially, must not be allowed to happen again. Mindless eating goes against everything I've worked so hard with Dr. Karen and on my own to achieve. The positive thing to come out of this, however, is the fact that I've been able to stop myself (other than the almonds, and I did stop myself at a "reasonable" portion of those, too) and then begin to analyze why I'm suddenly feeling these urges again. As a matter of fact...

Why AM I feeling the urge to binge again all of a sudden? I've passed it off as hormonal, and I do believe that is a factor, but I think it goes deeper than that. I have to believe that the emergence of a strong romantic interest in my life (OK, OK, so I'm breaking my promise, sort of...bear with me, won't you?) plays some part in this "change", too. Am I afraid of what I'm feeling? Not consciously, that's for sure. Perhaps my subconscious is worried about what it might mean to let myself be open to someone who wants and cares for me as much as I do them? I'm not sure. Perhaps it's simple sublimation of what are very strong desires/feelings with food? I just am not sure. What I do know for sure is that I will keep on fighting these efforts at sabotage/self preservation (depending on how you want to look at it, it can be seen as both) with logic, focus, and a determination to be healthy both in body and spirit.

The drop in my activity level is very easily explained. Simply put, I'm spending too much time on the computer and/or phone and not enough time out pounding pavement. If I allow this trend to continue, I will fall behind on my training program and then I won't be able to do my marathon in March. I do not want that to happen, so I will reassert a little more discipline into my life, starting here and now. I need to do 5 days a week of cardio, 3 days of walking/jogging and 2 days of some alternate form of activity (WATP tapes, biking, walking, or elliptical), and I WILL do so. [In a more shallow sense, doing this will help me shrink more quickly, which will be a major factor in whether or not I can fit into the dress I want to wear to a wedding I'm attending the 3rd weekend in June. If you haven't realized it yet, dear readers, I truly am one of the most vain women in the world. Yes, I am fat, but that just makes the urge to try to make myself look as nice as possible even stronger! LOL] OK, so no computer at night until I've done at least 30 minutes of cardio during the week. This doesn't even have to affect C, either, because he's not home until after 10pm my time, which is plenty of time for me to do what I need to do then eat dinner. This is not optional, this is something that I must do. I want the romance and, this time, I want it to remain a positive, wonderful influence on my life which it can do as long as I still carve out time for me. You know, I really did just feel a wave of relief throughout my body...I wonder if that one thing in the last sentence might not be what has me so thrown??? The thought that a new romance must always be the sign of something destructive to come? Interesting thought. I'll have to check back with myself in the next few days as I enforce my new "rules" to see if that assuages the fears. I will be sure to let you know what I find out.

Tuesday's exercise: None
Weeks to 2004 LA Marathon: 41

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