I'm just your average, everyday, divorced 38 year old girl -- overweight, tragically unhip,
and trying to make a life for myself. I live with two furry beasts, Dave and Abby, whose
feline mission in life is to choke me with their fur. Nothing special.
Saturday morning. I almost typed in "Sunday morning" because that's how it feels for me.
Yesterday was spent running nearly every errand I've needed to do for months and haven't had time for, then watching TCB kick butt at putting furniture together, installing new kitchen lighting (I hated the old, fluorescent fixture SO MUCH), and installing all new fixtures in the upstairs bath. He also changed the filter on my ice cube maker (woohoo, now I won't have to wait three days for enough ice to make my beloved iced green tea) and the bulb in my front porch light. I really am a lucky girl.
And then, this morning, after a mind-blowing wake up, he actually initiated a discussion about one of the things that's been bothering me. Which means it's been bothering him, too. Which means we're on the same page. Yippee! Not that I'm glad we have issues, but if we're going to have them, I feel better knowing that it's not just me dreaming things up to worry over. Plus there was the wake up, too. I communicated when things didn't feel right (I never do that) and it was just amazing. More amazing than it's been since probably last summer. Seriously.
Be alone and miserable or be happy, involved in your community, and fat - what a choice
Thursday afternoon. I am taking tomorrow off to prepare for my college buddy Tracy's arrival on Saturday for a four day respite, so today is my Friday. Please don't be bitter...I really need the day off.
So, I was sitting in the big, velvet chair* last night contemplating the fact that I'm still fat, I'm still not making any progress, and that it's still really hard. I've never had a dieting "dry spell" this long while actively putting forth mental effort (not to mention hard-earned cash) and it's got me very frustrated. Why isn't anything working this time? I'll tell you why: because I'm not bitter and alone, that's why. Yup, you heard me right, every time I've ever been successful at losing significant amounts of weight, I've been not dating anyone, not doing anything except going to work, coming home, exercising, and going to bed, and I've poured all of my energy into losing weight. I never equated the losing weight with gaining a life back then, but that's exactly what always happened, which then resulted in my gaining back all of the weight I'd lost. Cycle after cycle and I'm just now figuring this out.
What the heck? How am I supposed to resolve this??? I just don't know how to do this thing if I have to concentrate on other things at the same time. It's like there's a finite number of things I can have going in my head and the whole "diet and exercise" thing only fits when it's primary. The fact that working with Alcott and the Junior League are both really life-affirming and help me feel like I make a difference in the world does not, apparently, matter - they take my focus away and that makes things not work.
And there's work, too. It's a tough role that I have under good circumstances, with lots of demands on my time and energy, and that's not even taking into account Troubled Team Member (TTM). I see TTM's name come up in an email and my heart constricts with revulsion and fear; this is not good. Not good and it's making me crazy while I'm at work, which is most of the time.
Then, of course, there's TCB. Relationships are hard. (This is not news to anyone, I am sure.) I'm so much older now than I was when I fell in love with my ex-husband and I've survived so many dysfunctional relationships in between then and now that I'm just not willing to settle. On the other hand, I also know that you have to look beyond the superficial things that drive you crazy (obsession with proving his HOA wrong, for instance) to see what is in his heart (love for the kittens, love for his family, love of his country, a genuine desire to help those in need, volunteering as a youth sports coach even though he has no children of his own). I believe that this is a man that I can spend a long time with, and, because that's true, I have got to get communications going between us. We don't have conversations about "us". Not ever. And I don't tell him about the things that worry me or why I am avoiding staying over at his house on the weekends or why I don't think we could ever cohabitate. That's partly on me (I'm terrible at emotional confrontation) and partly him (he doesn't make it easy and I'm terrible at it, so it just doesn't happen) but I know that it's down to me to point out the 800 pound gorilla in the room and then do something about it.
So how the heck am I supposed to get anything done with my weight? I sigh when I think about getting up to put my dinner in the trash at night after work, much less going downstairs, getting changed, and getting on the treadmill before bed. How am I supposed to put good things for myself back into my life when I don't seem willing/able to be a good girlfriend or a good CASA or a good SPAC (for Junior League)???
Maybe I'll just stay fat, quit my job, and become a full-time volunteer. At least I wouldn't have to worry about how to spend my money.
* This is the chair that needs to go to Goodwill or Disabled American Vets along with the existing TV armoire and bookcase so that I can get a new sofa and loveseat from IKEA. This might or might not happen on Friday, depending on how much mileage I can get out of our impending one year anniversary of our first meeting with TCB. (Hi Sweetheart, if you've somehow run across this little piece of the WWW.)
Monday afternoon. My team and I went on a SEAL tour of San Diego Bay today and it was a lot of fun. You get on this bus that drives around and then drives into the water and becomes a boat - very nifty. The above is a scene we witnessed as part of our "on the sea" portion of the trip. I wanted to bring one of these sea lions back to the office as a mascot but was warned off by a team member due to the fact that they (sea lions, not team members) get cranky if they're not constantly eating, and that would be quite a chore for someone. (Come to think of it, that might apply to both sea lions and team members.)
Monday morning. I don't think I ever mentioned that I had to ask for the extender for my seat belt on my flights to and from Salt Lake City. Fabulous, huh? This did not happen on Southwest but it did happen on Delta. Something to think about when making reservations (I know that I will remember it in future).
In other news, I've decided to take Neil's challenge, so I might be a bit sore a couple of days a week for the next month. If you see me out and about and I'm limping, you'll know why.
Finally, I think the reason for my recent discontent at work really is Troubled Team Member #1 (TTM1). There are other team members with issues (don't we all have issues? I know that I do), but they would be manageable if it weren't for the daily drama that is TTM1. I need to figure out a way to deal with TTM1 while not allowing myself to become stressed out and negative, which is what's happening now. It's either that or find another job. Seriously. Life is far too short to be this miserable.
