Thursday, May 25, 2006

Be alone and miserable or be happy, involved in your community, and fat - what a choice

Thursday afternoon. I am taking tomorrow off to prepare for my college buddy Tracy's arrival on Saturday for a four day respite, so today is my Friday. Please don't be bitter...I really need the day off.

So, I was sitting in the big, velvet chair* last night contemplating the fact that I'm still fat, I'm still not making any progress, and that it's still really hard. I've never had a dieting "dry spell" this long while actively putting forth mental effort (not to mention hard-earned cash) and it's got me very frustrated. Why isn't anything working this time? I'll tell you why: because I'm not bitter and alone, that's why. Yup, you heard me right, every time I've ever been successful at losing significant amounts of weight, I've been not dating anyone, not doing anything except going to work, coming home, exercising, and going to bed, and I've poured all of my energy into losing weight. I never equated the losing weight with gaining a life back then, but that's exactly what always happened, which then resulted in my gaining back all of the weight I'd lost. Cycle after cycle and I'm just now figuring this out.

What the heck? How am I supposed to resolve this??? I just don't know how to do this thing if I have to concentrate on other things at the same time. It's like there's a finite number of things I can have going in my head and the whole "diet and exercise" thing only fits when it's primary. The fact that working with Alcott and the Junior League are both really life-affirming and help me feel like I make a difference in the world does not, apparently, matter - they take my focus away and that makes things not work.

And there's work, too. It's a tough role that I have under good circumstances, with lots of demands on my time and energy, and that's not even taking into account Troubled Team Member (TTM). I see TTM's name come up in an email and my heart constricts with revulsion and fear; this is not good. Not good and it's making me crazy while I'm at work, which is most of the time.

Then, of course, there's TCB. Relationships are hard. (This is not news to anyone, I am sure.) I'm so much older now than I was when I fell in love with my ex-husband and I've survived so many dysfunctional relationships in between then and now that I'm just not willing to settle. On the other hand, I also know that you have to look beyond the superficial things that drive you crazy (obsession with proving his HOA wrong, for instance) to see what is in his heart (love for the kittens, love for his family, love of his country, a genuine desire to help those in need, volunteering as a youth sports coach even though he has no children of his own). I believe that this is a man that I can spend a long time with, and, because that's true, I have got to get communications going between us. We don't have conversations about "us". Not ever. And I don't tell him about the things that worry me or why I am avoiding staying over at his house on the weekends or why I don't think we could ever cohabitate. That's partly on me (I'm terrible at emotional confrontation) and partly him (he doesn't make it easy and I'm terrible at it, so it just doesn't happen) but I know that it's down to me to point out the 800 pound gorilla in the room and then do something about it.

So how the heck am I supposed to get anything done with my weight? I sigh when I think about getting up to put my dinner in the trash at night after work, much less going downstairs, getting changed, and getting on the treadmill before bed. How am I supposed to put good things for myself back into my life when I don't seem willing/able to be a good girlfriend or a good CASA or a good SPAC (for Junior League)???

Maybe I'll just stay fat, quit my job, and become a full-time volunteer. At least I wouldn't have to worry about how to spend my money.

* This is the chair that needs to go to Goodwill or Disabled American Vets along with the existing TV armoire and bookcase so that I can get a new sofa and loveseat from IKEA. This might or might not happen on Friday, depending on how much mileage I can get out of our impending one year anniversary of our first meeting with TCB. (Hi Sweetheart, if you've somehow run across this little piece of the WWW.)

3 comments:

The Silver Fox said...

//I'm just now figuring this out.//

Well, that's a step in and of itself, isn't it? And maybe a very important one.

Please forgive me if I'm being presumptuous, but maybe what you need to do is change how you think of exercise/weight loss? I mean, if diet=alone/miserable, no wonder you don't feel motivated!

I see all this because I've found mindset to be a very important of my own karate training. I've found that if I think less of goals or short-term progress (and the frustration we all feel when we fall short), and focus on training as a life-long journey, I'm better able to train regularly regardless of what life throws at me. I no longer think of karate as way to somewhere or get something; instead it's a part of me that never goes away - even when I'm struggling with it!

Again I don't meant to presume - I merely offer up a bit of my own experience in hope that you may find it beneficial in some way.

Shannin said...

I know what you mean about being able to lose weight when you're single and not so much when you're in a relationship. I've said it before - you have got to take care of yourself, even at the expense of JL, CASA, TCB, etc. If you don't take care of your own emotional/physical needs, you aren't helping Alcott & TCB. That was the hardest lesson for me to learn - I must come first.

Mother of Invention said...

Yes, you are in a tough position and relationships are so hard...but also good motivators that can help you do things to get you where you're going without even noticing it. It's the happiness, I guess. So maybe your boyfriend can help and support you if he realizes how important it is to you. Would he join you in your quest by exercising with you? Help you cook some healthy meals together? If not, is there a really good gal-pal that could do this with you?

Just putting the only thoughts I have out there to you.