I'm just your average, everyday, divorced 38 year old girl -- overweight, tragically unhip,
and trying to make a life for myself. I live with two furry beasts, Dave and Abby, whose
feline mission in life is to choke me with their fur. Nothing special.
Saturday afternoon. Yes, I got my laptop back. Yes, I made it to class right on time this morning. Yes, I was still a little drunk when I woke up, but I'd managed to work through most of that before class actually started. Yowsa, I haven't done anything crazy like that in a few years and I'm sure I won't do it again for about as long, but it's good to remember that I'm still a woman and that I can still take a man's breath away just by using my lips and, um, other parts. *Sly grin*
Finding free parking downtown on a Friday night - rare Watching your learning team co-members getting cozy - interesting Feeling a (very hot) grown man shiver when you hesitate your lips over his - amazing
Nothing looks better on a woman than confidence. I'm hoping that the new swing in my hips will stick around for a while - I like it.
Friday night/Saturday morning (depending on which end of the evening you're at!) OK, you know that thing that's going around right now with a list of things that you're supposed to say which you've done and which you haven't? Well, even though I could already say that I'd made out with a total stranger, I've since added to that list! Oh, yes, I made out with a total stranger in a bar tonight. He was so hot, he looked kind of like Vin Diesel, and he bought me two drinks, and, um, he was so hot. Nothing more than making out. Wait, does feeling up his a@@ count as more than making out? If yes, then I did more than make out. If not, then I only made out with him. Oh, and he and his friend were two of the hottest guys in the bar. It all started when I went out with two of my study team partners and, well, they ended up hooking up. Yes, it's true! I'm sitting there and all of a sudden we're at a bar and they're all over each other - YUCKY poo! In any case, what's a girl to do? Although I knew it would only be a "I hope that if I buy the fat girl a drink I'll get lucky later" drink, I just didn't care. I didn't want to be the third wheel and, in point of fact, I wasn't. In any case, when he went out to smoke and I noticed him chatting up an 18 year old (or therabouts), I took off and headed home. I wasn't going to do anything more with him anyway and, obviously, he'd found other entertainment, so I staggered to my car.
You know, honestly, I probably shouldn't have driven, but I couldn't stand the sight of myself and I sure as heck wasn't going to stick around to see what the price of my two drinks was. Unfortunately, now I need to get my freakin' laptop (or my company's laptop, to be more precise) back, and that's going to be awkward. I know that the two study mates hooked up and I do not want to have that conversation (or any other conversation, for that matter). I just want my computer bag back and to finish up this class strong so that my GPA isn't affected.
Tomorrow morning's 8:30am class is going to be really special. Man, I hope I'm not still drunk then!
Friday morning. Today ought to be a relatively slow day at work. Having said that, I've probably jinxed myself right out of a nice Friday, but still. After work, I've got a study team meeting at a member's apartment downtown, complete with pizza and wine and, possibly, a stroll through the Gaslamp District (San Diego's version of the French Quarter) afterwards. Tomorrow morning, early!, I will be attending a continuing education class on Individualized Education Plans (IEPs) as part of my CASA work. It's four hours long and, I'm sure, full of good information, so that will be fun. I've asked Alcott's siblings' CASA to lunch afterwards, as she's having a tough time right now, and I'm hoping she takes me up on it. After lunch, it's on to Alcott's basketball game, then home and some studying for my next class. I'll probably need to do some Powerpoint work, too, which is fine because it's easy. Not a thing planned for Sunday, so probably just finish up the Powerpoint, rehearse my part of our group presentation for Monday night, polish up my paper a little, and, possibly, do more reading for my next class or start on my first paper. We'll see what I feel like when I get there.
I've been strangely loathe to get myself on the treadmill and walk this week. I don't know if it's because of Aunt Flo's visit or basic laziness, but it's just not happened as yet. It won't happen tonight, either, so I think I'll try to actually get out and walk in the fresh air over the weekend a couple of times. Without SATC, the treadmill has lost its appeal, methinks.
Sometimes, it strikes me as odd when I think about being as happy as I am. Yes, even with my blue periods, this really is the very best time of my life. Is this how everyone else has been all along? Are there people whose childhood and teenaged years were like this? How long has this been available and I've not been part of the program??? Perhaps it takes the years of worrying, crying, being lonely, feeling like the ugliest duckling, and never fitting in anywhere, to really appreciate it when it comes? Who knows! What I do know is that it's a quiet, warm feeling that starts in my core and spreads slowly throughout every nerve and fiber as I contemplate my life. I'm not perfect - nowhere near! - but I'm happy, and I think that's better than perfect.
Thursday morning. So, one of the comments to my last post pointed something very powerful out to me: the answer to "why isn't he communicating?" is that he's just not that into me. If he were into me, he'd tell me what was bothering him. Wow, that's so liberating! I am totally free of angst or drama now about this little blip on the radar and am moving on.
This week has been sort of less stressful than other weeks of late. My only assignments for school are to put together a Powerpoint presentation for the chat our learning team will do for the class on Monday and to finish up my paper, which I've already done the draft for. It's amazing how much freer I feel just knowing that I'm on track to be successful in this class and that I've already got everything for the first two weeks of my next class printed out and ready to go. I don't know if it's just an illusion, but it does seem that there's moderately less reading each week in the next class than this one, too, which is always a plus. Of course, that might be because he's going to have us doing learning team activities that are off the chart or something like that, but we shall see.
My weight hasn't really been much of a topic lately, has it? Well, it hasn't gone up and it hasn't gone down. My clothes fit perfectly, perhaps a wee bit looser, and, to be honest, I'm pretty darned happy about where I am. I do definitely need to get on it again and - this is important - I want to be below 200 pounds, but, other than that, I think I'll stick around this current size for a little while. I can't afford new clothes with the car payment anyway!
Boring entry, I know. Sometimes, though, not having anything interesting to share is an indicator that life is good. Very, very good.
[I have amended my early rant based on the feedback I received pointing out that I was making a sweeping generalization. In fairness to the many wonderful men out there who do communicate properly, please see the changes enclosed in brackets below.]
Wednesday morning. I do not understand [some] men. One would think, after 37 years on Earth, that I would have some sort of basic knowledge of the [other] sex, but it's been brought home to me, rather forcefully, that any such understanding I might think I have is illusory.
When [most] girl friends [are] unhappy with you, you'll know about it. Oh, it might take a little while for her to come out and tell you, but it will happen. With [some] ma[le] friend[s], you'll probably never hear from him again. What is up with that??? Hello? Do you not think I can handle the grown up conversation about what's bothering you? It's not as though we're dating or in love or anything like that, Dude, so get over yourself. Yes, I had a crush - so what? I get crushes the same way I buy new clothes: easily and with great frequency. There have only been two great loves in my life and you are nothing like either of those men, so do not worry about my being in love. I know what love - real, true love, not the casual declaration made in the heat of passion - is and I know that I reserve that part of myself for a man who earns it.
Someone needs to write a book on how to interpret [] silences because I'm sure there are more out there like me who aren't adept at knowing what the unsaid means. It is clear to me, once again, that I am not the writer for the job.
Tuesday (late) afternoon. Do you ever wonder what your life is about? Certainly, this was a more frequent hobby of mine before I found several important things to focus my energy on, but it's still something I spend some time reflecting on. What do I want my legacy to be? What does having a legacy even mean? If I don't have children of my own, will my time here have been for naught? If I never find romantic love again, will my life ever be truly complete? Question after question floods my mind but no answers ever seem to follow.
This afternoon when this little game started, I reached an interesting conclusion: I don't think there are answers. I think we're meant to question - endlessly, ceaselessly - in order that we never accept "what is" in place of "what might be" for our dreams.
Yes, I have a really fabulous life and I am truly, deeply happy, with myself, my life, and the legacy I would leave if something happened tonight, but that's not all that I want for myself. I want love. I want children (adopted or biological). I want a family. I want to watch Alcott graduate from college and know that I had something to do with it. I want to have the eight girls from my Junior League provisional team at my wedding. (Yes, I really do want to be married again, although no white dress this time around!) I want to get my business degree and then, perhaps, a MBA or even look into law school. I want a strong man to walk beside me at the water's edge as the sun sets into the ocean. I want to lie on the couch reading the paper on a Sunday morning with my children playing around me and my husband's hand in mine. These are huge dreams, but I think that's the point.
Dreams are what makes the fire burn inside us. Without dreams, we just wander through our day-to-day existence with no concept of anything bigger or better. I know this because, not so very long ago, that was the way I lived my life. Well, to be precise, that was how I existed, for I don't think I really ever lived. Not properly. Not fully. Not deeply and passionately. Dreams, passion...they burn deep inside us like a roaring inferno, spurring us always on to greater things, and that's the point.
Never settle. Never sell yourself short. Never give up your passion.
Monday night. So, class went well. I somehow managed to bang out about seven pages in an hour and a half as well as throwing together a 3-5 minute presentation that I got an A on, too. I have nearly dropped this class at least twice because I didn't feel I could do it and now I've got (as of the last assignments) an A in the class. There's a lesson in there somewhere, but I'm just too tired to get it, I fear.
Anyway, the real purpose of this is to ask if I've scared a bunch of people off with my recent posts or if the new comments just aren't working or if no one's reading me anymore. I know I've been really school and Alcott obsessed lately and not much about being healthy (or not), so perhaps that's it. If anyone has suggestions for topics you'd rather see me write about, I'd love to hear them. Honestly, after I'm done with work and school and Alcott (and Junior League on the weeks that I'm active with that, too), I'm lucky to do much of anything after my workout, but I want to be interesting and engaging, so help a girl out, won't you?
All I need now is romance and there will officially be no more room on my schedule. Honestly, I don't know where I'd fit someone else into my life right now - how sad is that? I guess when (not if) I find the right guy, it will be so magic that it will just work, right? Please, someone, tell me that I'm right, wouldja???
Monday. For a day which started out with so much optimism and promise, this is turning out to be a really poopy day instead. Rain plus a deadline that I've procrastinated on (again) for my individual class paper plus something that I screwed up which has hurt someone I care about have all combined to make me feel like going back to bed to see if this will all be better in the morning.
Unfortunately, aforementioned paper will not write itself and must be done (in rough format, thankfully!) before 3:30pm this afternoon. It's 11:30 now and the paper needs to be 5-7 pages. I know it will get done, but my heart just is not in it right now. Perhaps if I get something to eat?
Did I mention that I peeked at my first week of assignments for my next class (starting 3/7) and found that I have a 3-5 page paper due on the first night of class? I guess I'm really going to do this. I'm totally terrified. Help me.
