I'm just your average, everyday, divorced 38 year old girl -- overweight, tragically unhip,
and trying to make a life for myself. I live with two furry beasts, Dave and Abby, whose
feline mission in life is to choke me with their fur. Nothing special.
Afropuffs.net is written by Tricey, a self-described "20something" with a very stylish site. She's getting her PhD in Food Science and Nutrition and hoping to become a Registered Dietician, too. Wow...just wow.
beckschallenge is written by Beck, and I think she and I might be twins (fraternal, of course - she's so much prettier) because she has so many of the same issues I do. She's got the "gift" of diabetes, too, which truly is the gift that keeps on giving. Anyway, my favorite quote from her site is "This will be my last New Year as a fat woman." Amen, sister!
I.ATE.A.PIE.NET is a site that provides "reviews of foods commonly eaten by dieters". Recent articles include "Cut calories without eating less", "Top 5 fast food choices", and "Fitness myths and lies". Do go over and check it out.
Journal of a Fat Loser is written by Silas, who's lost 120.6 pounds and has just 5.8 left to go. Omigosh - how inspirational is that??? He's running and is looking for advice on speeding up his 5K time, so Deb and Mia need to get over there and give him some good advice! (Everyone else go over and tell him that there's nothing wrong with doing 5K in under 29 minutes.)
What can I say about Erin's site? I am so in awe of the fact that my site's link is up there with hers. She's lost 40 pounds with 15 more to go and she's an athlete, which just gives me so much hope that I might get there one day, too. My favorite quote from her "About" page: Losing weight can do many things for you but it can't make you love or even just like yourself any more or less. If things weren't that way before, being "skinny" isn't going to change that. It won't make the grass on your lawn greener, your bank account bigger — though, unfortunately, that's debatable in this anti-fat society — or make your life perfect. Isn't that the truest thing you've ever read? Oh, yes, and she also managed to write a book this year.
Running Commentary is written by Pamalamadingdong, who talks about running a 13K the way I would going to the store to pick up some milk. I am simply in awe of how strong and fit she is!
JuJu at The Skinny Daily Post is one of my (and the entire weight loss/fitness universe) favorite reads. She lost 100 pounds back in 2001 and has been writing ever since about "helping readers form healthier habits by helping them find ways to live differently, think differently about maintaining their bodies, attend to their health, adopt lifelong body maintenance habits." She is a member of the Weight Loss Pantheon of greatness and I am endlessly honored to have been nominated alongside her.
Skwigg Blog is written by Renee, whose fitness routine includes martial arts and heavy weightlifting (check out the aptly named Burn Out Circuit!). She follows the Body for Life program and, I have to say, if you get to look like her afterwards, it must be worth it.
And I've already profiled Rebeka, one of my very good online friends, so that's the entire list. Remember, as they used to say in Chicago, "vote early, vote often."
Should auld acquaintance be forgot...blah, blah, blah
Saturday morning. Yes, I'm really going to do one of those maudlin "what I did in 2004" posts, so you can skip it if you'd like.
Before I launch into that, or, rather, as the prelude to it, I've just finished updating My progress page, where I keep my official weight and measurements, and my Before and After page, where I keep the pictures I take each month. Well, the good news is that all of the numbers are down this month (woohoo) and the unfortunate news is that you still can't see any difference in the, um, "food baby" (a kinder, gentler term for my stomach, courtesy of Georgia). That piece of my anatomy is hanging on for all it's worth, that's for sure! Oh, well, as long as I keep eating properly and exercising for an hour a day, four or five times a week, it's bound to submit to my will at some point.
So, the final tally for 2004 looks something like this:
I've lost the following since March 16 - * 55.4 pounds * 8.2% body fat * 8.75" from my waist * 8.25" from my abdomen * one fiancé
Things I've gained in the same time period - * legal responsibility to ensure the well-being of one foster child, age 13 * several new real life friends, gained through my CASA training * a whole new wardrobe as I donated to charity three sizes worth of clothes that got too big * an appreciation for being single * one or two new readers for this site (thank you both!) * newfound respect for myself, my body, and my life, and...
Friday afternoon. No, not that kind of guy...my assigned foster kid (pseudonym = Alcott). I am absolutely the luckiest CASA ever because he is simply fabulous! I don't want to get all gushy, but I just can't help it. He's smart, funny, perceptive, sweet, clever, witty, and he is going to be a total heart breaker in about a year or so when he discovers girls. You can tell that he'll be a jock first though, and that the girls will like him a lot more than he pays attention to them. He's shy, which is really sweet, but, whenever he smiled, it just melted my heart. I knew we would click when I first saw him and he was wearing an Oakland Raiders ski hat. I love the Raiders, too, and we talked Raider football and Laker basketball all day long!
I know it doesn't even compare, but I sort of felt like the way that Carrie described it when she met Ella Bella for the first time. I know that I was supposed to find Voices and become Alcott's CASA and that he has been waiting over two years for a CASA because I am the right one for him. I may never have children of my own, but this young man is going to have the most passionate, dedicated advocate ever and, as God is my witness, nothing bad will ever happen to him again or someone will witness my (rarely seen) wrath. No one hurts Alcott...no one.
"If I became Miss America, the first thing I'd do would be banning men from wearing Lycra bike shorts!"
Thursday afternoon. Improbably, I find myself a finalist for something. Something very nice, too. Who would have thought it was possible? In any case, I think I'm going to take a page from Anita (who, by the way, is also a finalist for a different category!) and profile the wonderful sites that are in consideration for my category, which is "Best Weight Loss/Fitness Blog".
Rebeka at [sick of] Sucking It In is on my own daily reading list and I cannot recommend her strongly enough. She has a wonderful, very personable writing style that makes you feel as though you're right there in the room with her. She's lost an amazing 71.5 pounds thus far and looks totally stunning! She's doing Weight Watchers and has the wonderful Mr. Ralph to encourage her every step. She also has a cat that is, from all visible evidence, the long-lost cousin to Dave, my cat, and also enjoys the sport of waking his owner up by playing with things on the bedside table. (Who teaches them these things???) Anyway, go and visit, say hello from me, and please consider giving your vote to Rebeka's site.
And, Poppy? I am practicing my "parade wave" and being measured for my Best Weight Loss Blog finalist tiara as we speak! (I should ask Shannin for advice - she's the former beauty queen!)
Wednesday evening. Marla asked me to talk about something I'd sent her in email at more length here. Since I am powerless to deny her anything, here's what I said in the original email:
"Man, it can be a real bitch when you have to cope with things that aren't fun head on instead of having the shield of food. I am always thinking how moody I am and wondering why I cry so easily or get so frustrated by things...Hello? You're actually feeling things now and this is what that feels like, Denise! I'm amazed it's taken me so long to put the pieces together, but I feel so much better about my mental health now that I have. I was, seriously, thinking that I was becoming manic or something because of how strongly I was feeling things. It's not that I'm feeling them more strongly now, it's that I haven't felt them at all for such a long time that it feels like the strongest emotion ever when I feel anything. I know that, for me, the avoidance stretched across my entire life and even to Life itself. I just didn't want to feel or think about anything except food, which was safe. I want to make sure that I don't ever forget that, either, because I know that I'm not "cured", I just have it under control right now."
This was all in the context of a further discussion of last Saturday's post, which talked about how I'd suddenly realized that I'd started owning my feelings again instead of trying to feed them away, and how good that felt.
I know that most people who are fat do not overeat more than the average person does, but I definitely did. I ate everything that I could, as often as I could, and always in secret because I was ashamed. I was (and am - I'm only "in remission") the stereotypical fat person label that most fat hating folks like to think applies to all of us. Any emotion - whether "good" or "bad" - was just too much for me to deal with, but the food created a wall between me and the emotions (and those mean people, too, coincidentally) and that wall is what kept me sane. Yes, that's right, if it hadn't been for food, there are several times in my life when I either would have killed myself (yes, really) or given up my grip on reality and life as I knew it. Food was an effective coping mechanism for me and I am grateful for that.
So, if not food, then what? Well, I have to commit to making myself feel things and deal with the discomfort that those feelings may bring. Without food. The good news is that I have a lot more things in my life now, like exercise and my writing and my work with Voices for Children, and all of that keeps me from being completely self absorbed and obsessing over every feeling that skips across my conscious mind. But still, I know that, somewhere out there, something (probably a male something with my track record) is lurking, waiting, to pounce and throw everything up in the air when I least expect it. The real test will be to see how I handle that. Will my newfound coping skills stand the test? More important than that, perhaps, is the question of what I will do after I'm knocked temporarily off course - will I get right back on or will I let a minor setback send me right back to the very beginning again? Only time will tell.
In the meantime, I've had a little taste of how poorly I handle even what should be positive emotions through my nomination for a BoB award. This should be something I happily note and am proud of, and I am, sort of. The bigger part of me, though, is praying most fervently that I don't make the final cut or - GOD FORBID - win. Now, I am quietly confident that neither of these things will happen because there are some major powerhouses on the Weight Loss list and one of them will, by the law of greater numbers, win in a landslide, as they should, but there's still this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach because people might actually notice me. And, if they notice me, they might not like me. People not liking me is one of my greatest weaknesses and has always been a driver of my compulsive overeating. I am proud, however, to report that not a morsel has passed my lips this week as a result of the nomination. (I did have a bag of peanut M&Ms yesterday, but that was work stress and just an incredible craving for M&Ms, plus I ate them in public and didn't sneak them.) I guess it's like they say at AA/OA: I'm going to take this one day (or one feeling) at a time.
Wednesday morning. I just found out that VLSCI (the fictitious name of the very un-fictitious company I work for) will do a 2 for 1 match for any money I donate for tsunami relief up to $1,000. If anyone is moved to donate and would like to have the amount they designate increased two-fold, drop me an email and we can fix something up.
I love this company! The people I work with are fabulous and our senior leadership doesn't just talk about being good corporate citizens - they put their money and time where their mouths are. I wish that I could shout the name of the company from the rooftops, but that just wouldn't be prudent.
Tuesday night. Lots of wonderful things happened today. Sadly, I'm so sleepy that I don't think I'll be able to write about them before going to bed. I absolutely must mention, however, the return of Beatte. For all that remember her wonderful, open, and honest writings, she's back. For everyone not lucky enough to have read her thoughts previously, good news - now's your chance!
Oh, and in my continuing homage to the "Twelve Days of Christmas":
On the second day of Christmas, VLSCI gave to me: two products to save from certain schedule slippage and an approval liaison having a major meltdown.
Lest you think all is gloom and doom in Denise's world, nothing could be farther from the truth. Yes, it's the most wonderful time of the year at work (if you had components in roughly 100 products all releasing within a six week span, you'd be a little busy, too), but there are still delightful moments intertwined with my busy day and that keeps me smiling for the most part.
As The Beatles once said, "I get by with a little help from my friends".
Tuesday morning. I was just checking out my referrers ('cause I'm geeky that way!) and noticed an odd URL that I'd never seen before, so I clicked on it. It was BoB nominations in the weight loss category and, omigosh, my site was listed. Me, nominated for something! Amy, Georgia, and Pink Poppy, I am sitting here at my computer just crying at the knowledge that you guys thought enough of what I write here to go and tell someone I was worthy of recognition. Thank you SO MUCH! Just thank you, over and over.
I got two new pairs of trousers today: these and these. I got them in size 16 although I'm still hanging tough in 20s because, well, I'll be a 16 soon and I think they will look really hot in another 30 pounds. You should see how small the waist on a size 16 is! To all of you who are size 16 and complaining about how fat you are, seriously, hold your pants up and see how tiny that little waist is. OK, perhaps it's because that's my Moby Dick, my windmills, my raison d'etre, my Holy Grail - behold, the tiny waist! - but omigosh, I got a little flutter in my stomach just looking at them because I will have a waist that small one day. Yes, I will.
What fascinating thing does Denise have to share today???
Monday evening. I know that the title of today's post sums up your feelings about my recent postings. Yes, yes, yes, I know that things haven't been particularly "action packed" of late and yes, I'm becoming like the most introspective, self-obsessed person on Earth, but I'm sure I'll find something interesting to write about at some point. I mean, surely it must happen one day, right?
In the meantime, here's my homage to the "Twelve Days of Christmas". We'll call it the "Twelve Days of the Busy Season at VLSCI". Feel free to hum along - I am!
On the first day of Christmas, VLSCI gave to me: an approval liaison having a major meltdown. (Said approval liaison is a member of my team, just to provide some context.)
I can feel the excitement as you all hold your breath in anticipation of what the next 11 days will bring. Oh, I could tel you now, but that would ruin the surprise, wouldn't it? Let me just say this: today was not a decaf day. It was better than last week in that I didn't cry and didn't even have to stifle tears (now there's an accomplishment to put in my self appraisal!), but it's still our busy season, and there are still project managers and programmers who apparently missed the class on "How to Get What You Want From Others Without Being a Jerk" while getting their BS degrees. (Yes, I am an English Lit/Poli Sci graduate, what's it to you, Buddy???)
(Really early!) Sunday morning. I had the best Chrismtas! Yes, I know that everyone says that, but it's really true in my case. I feel as though I'm just starting to come alive, experiencing and appreciating the wonderful world around me.
The holiday started with a 10pm concert preceding 10:30pm services at church on Christmas Eve. In addition to our wonderful choir, they brought in a harp and string quartet, and it was just magnificent. "Make a joyful noise unto the Lord" indeed! Christmas morning saw me motoring north a little ways to go to a Catholic church at which my friends Tony and Karen were playing piano and singing (respectively) for 9am services. Again, just beautiful. (One of the benefits of being Anglican is that you can "pass" at a Catholic church. I do so hate standing out!) After church, Tony, Karen, and I went to Milton's Deli (the only place open - "hello, Starbucks??? Do we not need caffeine and scones on Christmas Day, too?") for breakfast, sharing lots of stories and laughter. Although I was invited to Tony's sister's in-laws' house for the day, I chose to go home and "celebrate" with the cats. Primarily our celebration consisted of a lovely nap for all three of us in the sun, and that was just what I wanted! When I woke up, it was off for an hour long brisk walk then to the 7-11 for water, Baked Doritos (the Christmas dinner side dish of champions!), and lowfat yogurt Cherry Garcia. Mmmm. (Don't worry, I had proper serving sizes of everything.)
As I walked, I thought about how happy I was and tried to put a finger on what, precisely, was providing the glow, and I realized that it wasn't anything (or anyone) tangible, it's Life itself that's making me happy. I looked up at the beautiful, full moon, partially obscured by a thin veil of mist, and found what I was looking for. I'm feeling things now, that's the difference. OK, most of you are probably nodding along right about now, saying "wow, that's neat", but there are at least a couple of you out there that I know understand the enormity of what I just said. For the others, let me try to explain.
For years - most of my life, honestly - I overate in order to numb myself from feelings I didn't want to deal with. In so doing, I not only wiped out the uncomfortable feelings, I completely anesthetized myself to everything around me. No strong feelings of any kind - good, bad, or indifferent. In stripping away the layers of fat and resisting the urge to binge myself numb (it's only dormant, never dead), I've also removed the block on my emotions, and they are coming back to life. Happy, sad, angry...everything's there for me to experience again. Scary? You bet! Invigorating? Without a doubt. So, you can understand why I say with conviction that I got the very best Christmas present ever without Santa having to lift a finger and the only person I have to write a thank-you note to is, well, me. I shouldn't be surprised, though, because, after all, Christmas is a time for miracles.
Merry (belated) Christmas to all that celebrate it and it's on to the New Year!!!
