I'm just your average, everyday, divorced 38 year old girl -- overweight, tragically unhip,
and trying to make a life for myself. I live with two furry beasts, Dave and Abby, whose
feline mission in life is to choke me with their fur. Nothing special.
Friday afternoon. There was a moment, as I was driving home Tuesday night, when the most amazing realization hit me: I have everything I want right now, as I am and I did it all myself.
My former friend Rachel once accused me of basing my entire sense of self worth on the man I was dating and, although I half heartedly denied it, I've always known it to be true. The reasons for that are not entirely clear, although my biological father's abandonment of me at age 5 and verbal abuse of me prior to leaving might have something to do with it, and I hate it about myself, but have never been able to esteem myself for anything internal and truly mine. Until now.
* I am the one that got myself signed up for Voices and went through the five weeks of training. Me, the one that used to be like a hermit in my house, scared of interaction with others because of what they might think of me, actually ended up making some friends that I'm going to keep in touch with - can you believe it? Now I've got something in my life which I am absolutely certain is important and significant and worthy of pride in having accomplished. Wow.
* I am the one that has eaten what I'm supposed to, gotten my 60 minutes of cardio, 4 or 5 days a week, in (even when I don't feel like it!), and lost 52 pounds so far this year. Fifty-two pounds is nearly half of what I need to lose in order to not be, officially, "overweight". I did that - no one else.
* I've also sent in an application to become part of the Juni0r League, which I think will be interesting and a great way to socialize while helping others. I will have to be careful, though, because several of their projects overlap with Voices, and I can't be involved in those projects, but there are plenty that do not and I will contribute my time and energy there.
I have done all of this, for better or worse, on my own, and do you know, it feels really, deeply good. Specifically, what I realized in my car Tuesday night - my AHA moment, if you will - is that I could be happy for the rest of my life just as I am right now. With no man in my life and no one on the horizon. Me, alone and happy. Me, loving Life and, more specifically, my life.
Tuesday evening. First things first, I've been a very bad blog buddy of late, and I'm really sorry. I've not been visiting everyone every day and I'm taking days and days to respond to comments. I'm really sorry, all, and promise to try to do better. Will you forgive me???
With that off my conscience, on to my explanation of this post's title. So, when I was a teenager (back when dinosaurs roamed the Earth, Jenny), Madonna was happy-go-lucky and sang this really bitchen song called "Like a Virgin". I am hereby adopting that song as my mantra for today because...I have hit the virgin fat, people! Yes, unbelieveable but true, my trusty scale said "210.2" this morning and I haven't been below 211 since 1998 (and I was going the wrong way on the scale at the time). I have, officially, achieved the goal for my second Ten Percent Challenge (212.4), dropped into the virgin fat territory, and am only 4.2 pounds from another charm for my bracelet. (I would love suggestions on what that new charm should be, by the way. It needs to be 14K gold and I've already got my cherub/angel, can of mustard seed, and running shoe. Please leave suggestions in the comments.)
Folks, I am just blown away by how easy it is now. It's as though I hit some sort of "point of no return" when, if I can just keep at it long enough, my body gives up and stops fighting me for every ounce. I know you don't want to hear this, but the wonder of it all just astounds me. Even ten pounds ago, I could feel my body sticking its tongue out at me every time the scale wouldn't move, and I'd resigned myself to a slow but inexorable march down the scale. Whodda' thunk it?
There are so many things to be grateful for, so many blessings, so much happiness, that it sometimes overwhelms me completely and I am left quietly crying tears of joy and love, while all around me people develop Really Important Software. Ain't Life grand?
Sunday evening. OK, before I start, I want to warn everyone NOT from southern California that you're probably in for some serious eye rolling, so get ready. With that, let me tell you how incredibly cold it is here: I actually went straight from church (where I walked eight blocks in driving rain and bitter, cold wind with only an umbrella and light coat for protection) to Target to pick up a matching Angora bucket hat and gloves. Brrrr. Now I know, you're all saying, "Whatever! She doesn't know from cold," and you'd be right except for the fact that I've grown up in, and pay a very high premium to continue living in, a climate where we get about 10 days a year of rain (average 9" for the entire year) and the average high (67) and low (57) temperatures are very, very mild. It has never dropped below 32 degrees here...until last week. I have no heat in my condo, folks, no heat, no electric blanket, no fireplace, and I have been walking around with cold nose, fingers, knees and toes for about three weeks now. Anyone that doesn't believe we're in an El Nino weather pattern is not paying attention!
Last night, I went out for an hour's walk - 1.8 miles out and back - and, just before the halfway point, the cold finger of fear reached out and touched my heart as I felt, on the tippiest tip of my nose, a splash of water. You have to know that, with nearly 1.8 miles between me and the (relatively) warm comfort of home and nothing more than a fleece jacket and some gloves covering my exercise wear, I started to panic. Even as my heart raced, the storm moved in and, within about 10 minutes, I was soaked to the skin and shivering. The rain lasted about 20 minutes and was immediately followed by strong, bitterly cold wind which cut straight to my (very cold already) core. I started wondering at that point, what do runners/walkers do in places where it rains and is freezing cold all the time? I mean, not everyone can spend months doing nothing but treadmill running, right? What if you're in the middle of training for a marathon? There's no way you'd do 15-20 miles on a treadmill, is there? Would someone who knows the answer to these questions drop me a line, please, because I don't think this cold thing is going away any time soon?
