Friday, December 10, 2004

Priceless

Friday afternoon. There was a moment, as I was driving home Tuesday night, when the most amazing realization hit me: I have everything I want right now, as I am and I did it all myself.

Rachel once accused me of basing my entire sense of self worth on the man I was dating and, although I half heartedly denied it, I've always known it to be true. The reasons for that are not entirely clear, although my biological father's abandonment of me at age 5 and verbal abuse of me prior to leaving might have something to do with it, and I hate it about myself, but have never been able to esteem myself for anything internal and truly mine. Until now.

* I am the one that got myself signed up for Voices and went through the five weeks of training. Me, the one that used to be like a hermit in my house, scared of interaction with others because of what they might think of me, actually ended up making some friends that I'm going to keep in touch with - can you believe it? Now I've got something in my life which I am absolutely certain is important and significant and worthy of pride in having accomplished. Wow.

* I am the one that has eaten what I'm supposed to, gotten my 60 minutes of cardio, 4 or 5 days a week, in (even when I don't feel like it!), and lost 52 pounds so far this year. Fifty-two pounds is nearly half of what I need to lose in order to not be, officially, "overweight". I did that - no one else.

* I've also sent in an application to become part of the Juni0r League, which I think will be interesting and a great way to socialize while helping others. I will have to be careful, though, because several of their projects overlap with Voices, and I can't be involved in those projects, but there are plenty that do not and I will contribute my time and energy there.

I have done all of this, for better or worse, on my own, and do you know, it feels really, deeply good. Specifically, what I realized in my car Tuesday night - my AHA moment, if you will - is that I could be happy for the rest of my life just as I am right now. With no man in my life and no one on the horizon. Me, alone and happy. Me, loving Life and, more specifically, my life.

Wow...just wow.

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