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I'm just your average, everyday, divorced 38 year old girl -- overweight, tragically unhip, and trying to make a life for myself. I live with two furry beasts, Dave and Abby, whose feline mission in life is to choke me with their fur. Nothing special.



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Saturday, September 20, 2003

Saturday night (just barely). I did my first 5K since April today and had a pretty respectable time -- 49:05. Would I have liked it better if I'd matched my time from April? Heck, yes! Am I happy with the time I did? You betcha, because it's actually faster than I plan to do the marathon, and that's not a bad thing. I'm not sure how it's going to impact my seven mile walk tomorrow (hopefully it won't impact it at all), so I'll definitely be doing some stretching stuff before I set forth. I also remembered to grab Gatorade from 7-11 so that I'll have liquids while I'm walking. It's not that I like drinking and walking at the same time, it's more that I don't like the hallucinations I seem to get when I exercise that hard without any water.

So far, so good with my new resolution to faithfully return messages from friends instead of listening to or reading them and then forgetting about it for a week (or a month). I've stayed within my guaranteed 24 hour turnaround precisely for the past few days -- gold foil star for me! We'll see how that holds up once things get busier at work, but I'm happy right now.

C's daughter, formerly known here as The Imp, henceforth to be called The Scamp (something about a former girlfriend thinking she was an imp or some such weirdness), is visiting and is providing great entertainment for me, even from 2,600 miles away. First, while I was getting ready for my 5K, C calls from The Hands On Museum in Johnson City (he said that was the name...don't ask me) and he's got The Scamp plus the kids from next door (belonging to the guy from Missouri who met C's cousin on the internet and then promptly picked up his four kids and moved to be with her) plus one of his other cousin's kids, too. I think the total was five kids. Anyway, he was trying to keep them all corralled and out of trouble and it was highly amusing to listen to. Then, The Scamp did something very out of character for her. Her daddy asked if she wanted to talk to me (she never talks to anyone on the phone -- not her daddy, not her grandma...no one) and she said yes ! Ha! C was shocked and so was I, frankly. Shocked, but pleased. Her little scampish voice made me giggle even though I couldn't understand half of what she was saying. Later, as I was picking up my Pick Up Stix House Special Chicken with Vegetables, C called again with a house full of little girls. Turns out The Scamp decided she wanted the girls from next door to sleep over, along with their baby brother, so it was C and three little girls in a battle of wills. I couldn't help but laugh as they tried all of the classic moves on him. I think they were asleep (finally) by the time we got off the phone at midnight his time -- I know that C was!

Weeks until LA Marathon: 25
Weeks until Christmas: 14
Exercise yesterday: 60 minutes/3.2 miles of hills on treadmill
Exercise today: 49 minutes/3.2 mile race in Pasadena
 

So said Denise on 11:00 PM # | 0 comments


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Friday, September 19, 2003

Some days are just like that

Friday afternoon. I've been busy all day, although I really couldn't tell you what I've been working on. I don't know if that's universal to all harried software project managers or if it's just me. I do know that it really makes it tough to get that warm, fuzzy sense of accomplishment.

One thing that I know I did today was go over someone's head at one of the outside agencies we work with, which I hate having to do. I got burned by doing something very similar a few years ago, although I also left a tersely worded voicemail to top it off that time, which the person in question was able to play over and over again, fanning the flames of her anger. Lesson definitely learned. I feel fairly confident that I've done what I can to get the situation resolved with my contact prior to going over her head and, although I know this is going to damage our working relationship, business needs sometimes outweigh courtesy. (Besides, at this point, I'm not sure how much more unpleasant dealing with this agency can become. They're already being downright nasty, in my opinion, and exhibiting a high degree of snarkiness to boot!)

No exercise yet today. I'm going to do an hour of hills once I'm done here. I'll report back later!
 

So said Denise on 4:42 PM # | 0 comments


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Thursday, September 18, 2003

Once more, with feeling

Thursday afternoon. Well, after getting the bad news from Blogger that my spiffy, new template was irretrievable, I set about doing the work to implement it again. I've managed to get the main page set up to my liking and tonight I'll get the archive page fixed, too. I've also saved a copy of the template code to my hard drive in case of another disaster.

I know that yesterday's post wasn't terribly uplifting, but you have no idea how much it helped me get things resolved in my mind. Such a weight has been lifted from my shoulders just knowing that it's resolved and over. Unfortunately, before that happened, she replied to the nasty, emotionally charged response I sent her, and that email brought all of the same issues back up and threw my failings right up in my face. Yes, I treated her (and our friendship) horribly last year while I was mixed up with The Mistake. Yes, this is not the first time I've been guilty of shafting my friends while in the blush of first romance. I'm sorry!!! Someone shoot me for still being optimistic enough to think, "perhaps this one is it...perhaps I won't have to date anymore!" OK, yes, I know how incredibly immature it is to put a new man above your old friends and it's not as though it's something I consciously do...besides, lots of other girls do it, too. (I know, that's no excuse!) Anyway, that was just one of the things she threw in my face and I was in the midst of trying to respond to everything, point by point, when I realized that I just needed to tell her that the friendship was irretrievably damaged and that I felt we should put a stop to it before more hurt was caused for no reason. I haven't heard from her again and I feel confident that I never will. Moving on...

So, what am I doing to make sure that I not only do not head down the same path with my remaining friends but that I repair whatever damage I've done there, too? I'm making myself (and my friends) a promise, here and now: I will reply to your email, written missive, or voice mail/phone message within 24 hours via the same medium used to contact me. Yes, that's right! I may not get to sleep at night, but I will not shine my friends on. It's something that I've learned from my eight years in management, if you don't take care of it immediately, it won't get done. I know that there are people that will tell you to prioritize and work on things in order of importance rather than urgency, but my friends have got to be top of the pile for importance (sharing that spot with C, of course). This is my new project and we'll see how my results look after a month.

Weeks until LA Marathon: 25
Weeks until Christmas: 14
Exercise yesterday: 35 minutes/2.0 miles on treadmill PLUS 10 minutes on elliptical
Exercise Tuesday: 45 minutes interval training
 

So said Denise on 2:18 PM # | 0 comments


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Wednesday, September 17, 2003

For every thing, there is a season...

Wednesday morning.

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
* A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
* A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
* A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
* A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
* A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
* A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
* A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace."

This morning, I am mourning the passing of what was once a wonderful friendship. R and I found each other, on the web, in a BBW (large women) chatroom on Yahoo and, improbably, started a three and a half year friendship which was solid, affirming, and real. We saw each other through a lot of stuff, including the birth of her beautiful daughter, G, and were closer than I could have imagined I could be with someone outside my own family. What happened? A man, of course. Last year, while at a business conference, I met a man and, upon three days' acquaintance, decided to bring him home to live with me. This is the man that I refer to as The Biggest Mistake of My Life (or just The Mistake, for short). One of the many ways that this decision irrevocably changed me forever was in the way that it destroyed my friendship with R. She couldn't understand how I could keep such a verbally and emotionally abusive person in my life (I couldn't, either, I just couldn't muster up the courage to end it) and then, at the end, she dropped everything to help me get him out only to have me waffle and allow him to change my mind. This she could not take and she reluctantly ended our friendship as a result. I did, several weeks later, get him out, but the damage to our friendship had been done.

A few months later, I emailed R, apologized profusely, and she decided to try to renew our acquaintance. Looking back now, I should have left it where it lay. She never really trusted me again, I felt like I had to walk on eggshells, and we never regained the easy way we'd been together.

In May of this year, I met the man that I believe I will spend the rest of my life with. When I told R about it (after a lot of thought and soul searching about whether or not I should), she responded with a slew of comments that seemed to be more a response to where she was in an on again/off again long distance relationship of her own than to my situation. I was stung, she told me that she thought it best that we not discuss my romantic relationships anymore, and that's where it was left.

Where does a friendship go from there? How can I be friends with someone that will not discuss with me a huge and important part of my life? We emailed back and forth haphazardly during the first part of the summer, but I knew that I couldn't meet up with her because there was just no way that I could sit there for an hour or however long we were together without mentioning C at all. I mean, I was spending every other weekend in Virginia with him, and talking on the phone every day...this man is a huge part of my life...

In any case, I was talking to C about R this weekend and it made me wonder if there was a way for us to reconcile, to put aside her concerns with everything that's happened this summer and everything that C and I have worked through, so I sent her a Hallmark ecard on Monday. This morning, I got an email back from her basically saying that our friendship was over and that I'd burned my last bridge. I fired back a defensive email and then promptly added her to my blocked senders list, both at home and work. I wish now that I hadn't done that. The friendship that we had deserved better than that. This post is my attempt to do what I should have done in my response and to repair, for me, the damage that I've done.

Our friendship was never meant to last forever, I see that clearly now, and, although I will always miss it, I'm letting it go. We've both outgrown it and it's time to move on. I will always cherish the times that we spent together and the wonderful things that your support gave me, R, even as I wish you clear skies and fair winds. Take care, my friend...
 

So said Denise on 10:48 AM # | 0 comments


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Tuesday, September 16, 2003

I knew I should have knocked on wood...

Tuesday morning. Well, it's true...the Blogger gods wiped out all of my hard work and I am back to square one. I had one canned, automated support message telling me that I was important to them and that they're "looking into it" last night and not a thing since, so I've decided just to choose some bogus template for today and then do all of the work from Sunday night again tonight. This time, however, I'll be sure to save a copy of the entire template once it's perfection (again) to my hard drive and to a CD, so that I will never have to do this again. Grrr...
 

So said Denise on 10:14 AM # | 0 comments


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Monday, September 15, 2003

Monday (late) afternoon. Why does it appear that my blog has completely disappeared? Have I angered the Blogger gods or something in similarly poor taste??? If I stayed up half the night and nearly got my (shrinking) butt fired from VLSCI and my newly renovated site is gone, I will be highly annoyed.
 

So said Denise on 5:33 PM # | 0 comments

Monday afternoon. I think I'm still enamored of the site's new look, which is good because the redecorating caused havoc with my Monday morning schedule. Once again, bless C for being a whole lot more on top of things with my job commitments than I am, because he woke me up this morning at 8:05am...about five minutes after I was supposed to be at work printing out timesheets for the contractors. Whoops! I was up so late getting everything spic and span after the messiness of the renovations that I completely forgot (again) about having to be in to the office early on Monday's for the next few months. It's things like this that make me feel completely incompetent and have me questioning whether I can ever do anything right. (Yes, I know this is a sweeping generalization, but I'm feeling a little dramatic today, so cut me some slack, OK?)

On the health front, this week starts another mini challenge for my eDiets challenge group. Last week was water consumption (I didn't meet my goal of 840 ounces for the week and I wasn't even close) and this week is veggie consumption. I have to keep track of the different veggies I eat all week and how they're prepared. I think the team with the greatest diversity of veggies "wins", although it might just be total veggie servings consumed...I'm not sure. Yes, it's a little anal to count your veggies but you'd be amazed how motivated you can be to eat veggies when there's a little competition to fire you up.

On a truly pathetic note, yesterday was my brother D's birthday and I didn't manage to get a card in the mail or make a phone call. I feel like poop! I have the card, I'm going to send it tonight, but that just doesn't make up for not sending it prior to the big day itself. As to not calling, I simply have no excuses except to say that I just wasn't in the mood for a long conversation and didn't want to ring up, say "Hi. Happy Birthday! I love you, love the kids, love G (his wife), and I hope you had a great day. Talk to you later" and then hang up. I know it's incredibly selfish and self absorbed and I am ashamed of myself. Does that fact make my actions any less reprehensible? Sadly, I think not. I've sent off a Hallmark ecard in the meantime and am thinking of ways to try to make it up to him (suggestions very much welcomed, by the way).

Weeks until LA Marathon: 24
Weeks until Christmas: 14
Exercise today: None, it's a scheduled day off on my official marathon training schedule -- WHOOPEE!
Veggies consumed at lunch: Beets, carrots, celery, red cabbage, cherry tomatoes, and cucumber, which doesn't include the pinto beans with my Amy's Enchiladas because those are counted as starches, not veggies)
 

So said Denise on 3:21 PM # | 0 comments

How do I look???

Sunday night (just barely). Well, after much fussing and even a little trauma (who knew what "CSS" meant and that it would be such a complete bear to manipulate to my will?), I've done a little redecorating around the old blog. What do you think? I have to give credit where credit is due and this design comes from ebedgert via BlogSkins.com. I point this out because the dear thing didn't put any sort of linkage or credit within the skin, so I'm trying to assuage my guilt over having this amazing new design and doing nearly nothing to create it. So, thank you very much ebedgert, wherever (and whoever) you are! Let me know what you think of the new look. I've got the old code saved to my desktop, so if this isn't a big hit, I can always revert. (Yes, that's 12 years of working at VLSCI talking!)

It's funny that the blog and I should get new 'dos on the same weekend. I went to see Nicole, the most amazing hair stylist in the world, Friday night and, thanks to her magic scissors, I have finally lost all of the nasty damage from my platinum blonde experiment earlier this year. In place of said damage, I have a cute little cut with most of the length in the back maintained while angling the front a little and putting in lots of fun layers, too. I love it so very, very much!

This weekend was a good one fitness wise, too. Friday night, after my fabulous salon experience, I decided that I wasn't much in the mood to stand in line at the rental car company or to get up at 3:45am the next morning, so I did my weekly long training walk here in San Diego. I chose Lake Miramar for my journey because I was supposed to do about six miles and I know that the loop around the lake is five and some change, so it sounded like a good fit. When I got there (about 10:30am -- I slept in), I found that they're doing construction and so it's not a loop anymore, which worked out fine, too. I walked to the three mile marker and back in an hour and 41 minutes. My feet were sore and I was very thirsty (note to self: bring water on walks!), but I really didn't feel as badly as I thought I would. Big yeah for me! Tonight I did an hour down by Mission Bay and covered three and a half miles, which isn't a bad pace, either.

You know, I really do feel empowered when I do things like yesterday's walk. I've spent so much of my life being afraid, missing out on experiences because I was playing it safe, staying within the lines, doing what was expected of me. No one expects me, a life long fat girl with no motivation, to finish a marathon. Heck, I don't think anyone expects me to get to a healthy weight and maintain it for the rest of my life, either. Guess what, folks??? I not only expect all of this of myself, I KNOW that I'm going to do it. One foot in front of the other, one meal at a time, one smart choice after another, and with God's help.

Weeks until LA Marathon: 24
Weeks until Christmas: 14
Exercise today: 60 minutes/3.5 miles
Exercise yesterday: 101 minutes/6.2 miles
 

So said Denise on 12:20 AM # | 0 comments


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All entries are original creations of Denise E. unless otherwise labeled, and may not be reproduced without proper attribution.