I'm just your average, everyday, divorced 38 year old girl -- overweight, tragically unhip,
and trying to make a life for myself. I live with two furry beasts, Dave and Abby, whose
feline mission in life is to choke me with their fur. Nothing special.
Wednesday afternoon. I don't want to be a grown up anymore. I know that I said I was looking forward to new challenges and pushing myself to my full potential but I've changed my mind. What I really want to do is sit down on the couch, wrapped up in a soft blankie, and eat lots of numbing (and nummy) food. No, it's nothing horrible that's happened, it's just a hard day in the middle of a busy week after a week with no sleep and I'm ready for it to be finished.
I've given two of my four reviews and, surprisingly, both went really well. One was going to go well no matter what because she got a higher rating than she expected, so no surprise there. The surprise came from my (former) challenging employee who got a "meets expectations" rating which, although expected and foreshadowed for at least six months now, is never something an employee enjoys. Instead of fighting me or denying or arguing, she expressed disappointment with herself and then agreed with the content of what I'd written. Wow. Coulda knocked me over with a feather! I guess all of that "continuous coaching and feedback" stuff really works.
So, on to the really big confession: the Ten Percent Challenge has fallen into a ditch and can't seem to get up. (Pull up a chair, kids, this one's going to get involved.) It all started the week before I left for Portland. I was so busy with stuff for work that I didn't work any walking into my schedule at all. None. I was, however, still eating my healthy meals. Then, Portland. No exercise other than back and forth between conference rooms and bars. Eating junk, including chips and salsa Thursday night. Alcohol - lots. Water - none. Bad. Nothing else to be said. I came home full of remorse, resolute that I would detox my body over the weekend and then get right back to where I was when I was successful and on the road to better health. What has happened instead? Exercise - none. Water - very little. Junk food - some, which is too much. Quantity of food eaten - way too much. Weight gained since I left for Portland - 7 pounds and counting. Seven pounds. Do you know how hard I had to work to get those 7 pounds off of me??? Sometimes, when it's very quiet, I can actually feel the layers of fat reforming around my body. Heck, my waistline's probably increased by several inches while I've been typing this entry. Frustrated? Why yes, I am.
I wish I could wave my magic wand and be back on August 2nd when I first decided to skip "just one" walk because I was too busy. Seven pounds is not worth anything that I ate, anything that I drank, or all of the fun that I had. You're not traveling any more, Denise, and it's time to come back to reality. If I don't, it will be back to tight clothes, no pride in myself, and yet another failure under my belt. The decision is mine.
Monday night. So, I got my annual performance appraisal today and, shockingly (to me), it was quite good. As a matter of fact, there wasn't anything negative in it! There were, however, lots of good things I'd done that I'd totally forgotten about and, if I'd read this review and not known whose it was, I'd have been impressed. Wow. My managers (present and immediate past, because we switched a few months ago) both cautioned me that I needed to guard against overcommitting myself because I've got some really big, really high profile projects on my plate right now and I told them - and it's true - that I'm scared and exhilerated at the same time. If (when?) I pull this all off, it will be like one of the toughest and best things I've ever done. If I can do it with style, panache, and a little bit of attitude, it will leave others (Team member number two, this means you!) trying to ski in my wake and I'm strangely pleased with that idea. I don't just want to do "OK" anymore, I want to kick some serious a**.
Of course, being me, I'm not just trying to do my best and be satisfied with that. I have decided that I've been coasting on my keyster for way too long, denying my potential, my intelligence - my abilities in general, to be honest - and I think it might really be time to kick it up. I have been wanting to get my MBA for a long time. The company will pay for it, I don't have anything better to do with my evenings, so why not? I'm still planning to run a marathon next year - not walk, run. It might seem like I'm biting off too much but I feel as though I've low balled myself for such a long time and my laziness has grown strong and bold as a result. School would be done at night and on line, so it would work with my job, and the marathon preparation will only have one long run a week, so that's not too bad, either. I don't know, I could wuss out on any or all of this at some point, but it just feels really good to be positive and energized for a change.
