I'm just your average, everyday, divorced 38 year old girl -- overweight, tragically unhip,
and trying to make a life for myself. I live with two furry beasts, Dave and Abby, whose
feline mission in life is to choke me with their fur. Nothing special.
Wednesday afternoon. Why, oh why can't I ever seem to stick with a healthy lifestyle for good??? I get months into it, when it should be much easier to continue doing the right things (because they are, by then, habit) than the wrong ones, and I let myself fall apart. Grrr. This latest incident is so much more frustrating because it doesn't fall into my usual pattern. Let me explain...
Ordinarily, I am cruising along, happily devoting myself to feeling, looking, and living better, when I meet Mr. Wrong (or separate from my husband, but that's a different story and it only happened once, so I don't know how instructive it is), become desperate to win his affection (as desperate as he is not to give me any of his affection) and then fall into despair (and poor eating habits) when it doesn't happen. Regardless, it's always been abject unhappiness that has derailed my train to health. This time, it's just the opposite. I've never, ever been as happy as I am with C. He supports me completely, loves me unconditionally (I can't even tell you all of the ways I've tried to scare him off...I've given him the absolute worst truths about me and he hasn't even blinked), and makes me feel like the most beautiful, desireable woman in the world. All of that and yet I can't manage to eat properly and get a little bit of exercise every day!!! Argh!
I've analyzed and analyzed and I haven't reached any conclusion. C's opinion is that when I stopped focusing solely on myself and started focusing on "us", that's when I lost the impetus to make the changes happen and everything fell apart. I'm not sure if that's the root of the problem or not and, truthfully, focusing on why it became a problem probably isn't nearly as instructive as focusing on how to move beyond it will be.
Monday morning. How much did I get accomplished over the weekend? Um, not a whole lot. I did, however, manage to get my groceries ordered and delivered, so I'm back in (the low cal, low fat, high hunger for a while) business. I know I'll be fine in a few days, it's just the initial discomfort that I need to get through and, honestly, I need to do this. Enough talk, more action!
Talked to C. last night at length about the kind of wedding we want. Now, I realize that this might seem premature to some, but I know in my heart that we will be married, it's only a question of when and how (apparently, after our discussion). I want a very plain, very simple wedding, something befitting the fact that we've both done this before. I want one simple bouquet of flowers on the altar and a simple bouquet for me to hold, but nothing elaborate or overdone. I don't want to be "given away", a fact which (unexpectedly) started quite the discussion. My feeling is that I am not anyone's to be given at this point (my ex husband being the closest thing to my last "owner") and so I shouldn't need to be given away. I believe that we reached a point of compromise at having both of my parents walk with me to the altar but no "giving away" thingy. It is sort of ludicrous to discuss a wedding that is at least 10 months away, but it comforts me during this period of enforced separation to think about the time when nothing except God will separate us. Just keep focusing on the future, Denise...do not think about the next 22 weeks and how much they are going to hurt!
