Wednesday, July 30, 2003

Two steps forward, one back

Wednesday afternoon. Why, oh why can't I ever seem to stick with a healthy lifestyle for good??? I get months into it, when it should be much easier to continue doing the right things (because they are, by then, habit) than the wrong ones, and I let myself fall apart. Grrr. This latest incident is so much more frustrating because it doesn't fall into my usual pattern. Let me explain...

Ordinarily, I am cruising along, happily devoting myself to feeling, looking, and living better, when I meet Mr. Wrong (or separate from my husband, but that's a different story and it only happened once, so I don't know how instructive it is), become desperate to win his affection (as desperate as he is not to give me any of his affection) and then fall into despair (and poor eating habits) when it doesn't happen. Regardless, it's always been abject unhappiness that has derailed my train to health. This time, it's just the opposite. I've never, ever been as happy as I am with C. He supports me completely, loves me unconditionally (I can't even tell you all of the ways I've tried to scare him off...I've given him the absolute worst truths about me and he hasn't even blinked), and makes me feel like the most beautiful, desireable woman in the world. All of that and yet I can't manage to eat properly and get a little bit of exercise every day!!! Argh!

I've analyzed and analyzed and I haven't reached any conclusion. C's opinion is that when I stopped focusing solely on myself and started focusing on "us", that's when I lost the impetus to make the changes happen and everything fell apart. I'm not sure if that's the root of the problem or not and, truthfully, focusing on why it became a problem probably isn't nearly as instructive as focusing on how to move beyond it will be.

My head hurts...I'm going back to work!

Weeks until Christmas: 22

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