I'm just your average, everyday, divorced 38 year old girl -- overweight, tragically unhip,
and trying to make a life for myself. I live with two furry beasts, Dave and Abby, whose
feline mission in life is to choke me with their fur. Nothing special.
Friday afternoon. All of these thoughts just tumble and turn in my head. I can't even really identify or distinguish between them. I know that there is something momentous afoot up there and I'm excited but, at the same time, I'm fed up with not being able to sleep properly and feeling like I'm in a holding pattern of some kind.
I keep thinking about saying "yes" to life and what it means for me. There are so many things that I just say no to autonomically and I don't even notice that I'm doing it. I limit my life in so many ways and then wonder why I don't have friends and never have anything to do. Ridiculous! My life isn't horrendous, by any stretch of the imagination, but I just feel as though, if I were to die tomorrow, the sum total of my life would be so small, so pathetic. I don't want that!!! I worry so much about what might be wrong with me medically, but if I'm not really, truly living, what's to worry about? I'm so afraid of WHATEVER...the unknown, death, life (how lame is that???)...I spend my life afraid of everything that I've not mastered. I feel like one of those people who won't set foot outside their houses. I know that I'm not that extreme but it's not so far off, frankly. OK, I've just made one appointment (with the dentist). Granted, it's the least scary of the 3 doctors that I need to see but it's a start! Going to do some research on volunteering (gets me out of the house while actually helping others -- a two-fer!). Back later.
Thursday afternoon. I keep looking at the war news, almost compulsively, as though I can influence events just by paying enough attention.
I read something on eDiets which contained some really powerful thoughts that have stayed with me since I read it. The theme of the article, basically, is that some people spend all of their time saying "yes" to food and "no" to the rest of their life. Wow. One of those "a-ha" moments for me for sure! What I've come to understand, slowly and painfully, is that I say "no" to far too many things in my life. I play it small and am so obsessed with being "safe" that what I've most significantly saved myself from is life itself. Same with constantly saying yes to food that I shouldn't be eating, that is bad for my health, and that detracts from my desired goal of getting into better shape. There was also an article by another behavioral psychologist that basically said the commitment and sacrifice necessary to make real lifestyle changes was incredibly tough and that those that do so successfully were brave. I think that's what I've known all along...that my inability to stick with the changes I know that I need to make is basically a function of my own weakness and that I just need to "buck up" and push through the initial discomfort. Look at all of the time I've wasted in my life obsessing about my weight and what to eat or whether or not I'm exercising enough. What else could I have done with my life if I'd just resolved this whole thing and moved on to something more important? Frustrating.
Reading a great book, "A Traitor to Memory" by Elizabeth George. It's a British mystery with lots of shifts in focus and timeframes, keeping you on your toes trying to keep up with the information you're getting. I'm a little more than 1/4 through after just starting it yesterday and it's a LONG book, so you know how much I am enjoying it. I think I'll have to add her books to my list of mystery series' I'm in the middle of.
