Friday, April 04, 2003

Friday afternoon. All of these thoughts just tumble and turn in my head. I can't even really identify or distinguish between them. I know that there is something momentous afoot up there and I'm excited but, at the same time, I'm fed up with not being able to sleep properly and feeling like I'm in a holding pattern of some kind.

I keep thinking about saying "yes" to life and what it means for me. There are so many things that I just say no to autonomically and I don't even notice that I'm doing it. I limit my life in so many ways and then wonder why I don't have friends and never have anything to do. Ridiculous! My life isn't horrendous, by any stretch of the imagination, but I just feel as though, if I were to die tomorrow, the sum total of my life would be so small, so pathetic. I don't want that!!! I worry so much about what might be wrong with me medically, but if I'm not really, truly living, what's to worry about? I'm so afraid of WHATEVER...the unknown, death, life (how lame is that???)...I spend my life afraid of everything that I've not mastered. I feel like one of those people who won't set foot outside their houses. I know that I'm not that extreme but it's not so far off, frankly. OK, I've just made one appointment (with the dentist). Granted, it's the least scary of the 3 doctors that I need to see but it's a start! Going to do some research on volunteering (gets me out of the house while actually helping others -- a two-fer!). Back later.

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