I'm just your average, everyday, divorced 38 year old girl -- overweight, tragically unhip,
and trying to make a life for myself. I live with two furry beasts, Dave and Abby, whose
feline mission in life is to choke me with their fur. Nothing special.
1. I woke up at 11am this morning. Granted that it was after a night of much tossing and turning, but how fabulous to be able to just ride it out and let my body do what it needed.
2. I spent the afternoon and evening with Alcott and his older brother. While The Boy has been disappointing me with his typical teenaged behavior of late, his older brother is still incredibly grateful and happy for the time and energy people put into improving his life. He even hugged me as he got out of the car last night. Yes, I got a hug from an adorable 16-year old: teenaged girls everywhere, I accept your hatred with pride.
3. My boss called while the boys and I were at H0met0wn Buffet. Turns out that someone who attended the Masterful Conversations seminar with me had mentioned to him that I was feeling alone and unsupported. At first I felt really horrible (not to mention pissed off at the person who'd ratted me out!), but as the conversation progressed, I think it really brought the boss and I closer, which is something I'd missed since he moved from being my peer to managing me.
4. I wanted to go out and binge so much last night. SO MUCH. I itched with the desire, the need to be full. I kept telling myself that I wasn't hungry. There wasn't even a twitch coming from my stomach. It was 9pm. And yet the need persisted. Fortunately (only in this particular instance), I had literally nothing in my bank account and am at my credit limit on my only card, so I couldn't act on it. I got paid at midnight last night via Direct Deposit and I didn't binge last night, so it's a good thing all around.
I'm still working on my project plan, and things are coming together nicely. Sometimes, it's good being me.
Wednesday night. After two days of seminar on "Masterful Conversations" (how to have difficult conversations properly and without throwing up before or after) and one 60 minute session with my Lighter Way instructor, Gloria, I feel as though I'm emerging from a terrible, dark place. I'm not 100% but at least I don't feel like a shattered window with shards of me lying all over the floor, and that's progress.
TCB is out of town for work (no, not Iraq, just North Carolina) and won't be back until next Wednesday, so our conversations will need to be postponed, and that has me anxious (because I don't want to wait) and expectant (because I'm going to prepare the heck out of the conversation I want to have). I miss him and that's silly because I never see him other than weekends due to the distance between our places of residence, but there you go. Just knowing that he's on the other coast and that I can't go and have dinner if the urge strikes makes me sad. On the other hand, I can continue to refine my project plan before I need to present it to him.
I want to be the girl I see in my dreams and I know that it is within my power to make that happen. Color me hopeful.
Sunday afternoon. Relationships are so complicated, aren't they? I announced that I was going to go home at about 10:30pm last night and I could just feel the pain and confusion coming from TCB. He asked if everything was OK and I answered that it was and that I was just too hot to stay another night at his place. It was (and is) the truth, but I could just feel the questions - unasked and unanwered.
I don't think I've ever written about this here, but I have a tough time sleeping at TCB's house. He's got a double bed and is a very warm sleeper, both of which make me get all fidgety and uncomfortable. In the early days, I'd start out in bed and either suffer through a sleepless, hellishly hot night or slip away to the couch once he was asleep. (I'd usually slip back in before he noticed I was gone in the morning.) Somewhere along the line, I just simplified things and started out on the couch in the first place. Now I know this hurts his feelings, but I suffer from restless legs and also cannot stand to be touched by anything (even my 400 tc sheets!) while sleeping, so I just don't know what else to do. When he comes to my place where I have a queen bed, it's marginally better, but there is still not enough space between us for me to sleep, and this has gotten to be a much worse situation now that I have no couch to slip up to. I'm going to have to keep the guest room bed made up when I know he's coming over. The only time I ever sleep well with him in the same bed is when we're at a hotel and have a king bed. Ahhhhh...the luxury of extra inches of freedom and space!
In any case, we went and looked at those "set your own number" beds yesterday and it was great. Our firmness settings are different enough that he should never wander over to my side unknowingly and the comfort level might keep me from feeling the need to toss and turn in the first place. (Now if I can only figure out how to make only HIS side of the bed with top sheet and comforter...heat = UGH!) It's more than we can afford right now, but I'll hopefully get a bonus in August and that will make a nice gift to our relationship, I think.
The dog referred to in the title is a baby beagle that we met yesterday, also while at the mall. She is a beautiful little girl with mostly black coat and a little, white triangle on her lower back. She was scared and sweet and cuddly and soft and we both fell in love with her. She's also $1,100, which we also cannot afford at the moment. She was so tiny that we're fairly certain she'd learn to get along with the kittens at TCB's house (now just about a year old) and we think the kittens would accept her because she's still smaller than they are and because she seemed very mellow and accepting. I think that, once TCB gets back from his next business trip, I'll find a way to pick her up for him and that can be his (belated) anniversary present.
In the meantime, I'm scared that our inability (unwillingness?) to communicate about the things that matter is going to be the end of our relationship. I'm certain that he sees my not sleeping with him as some sort of rejection (it's not, as I've explained to you guys, but I just don't think he believes me) and I can't shake the feeling that the lack of physical affection (no kissing, no hugging, no holding hands) between us is something I can't live with much longer. He's this wonderful, fabulous, loving man and I'm just so afraid that things between us are going to end soon and painfully simply for lack of communication.
If only it were as simple as a new bed and a cute dog.
