I'm just your average, everyday, divorced 38 year old girl -- overweight, tragically unhip,
and trying to make a life for myself. I live with two furry beasts, Dave and Abby, whose
feline mission in life is to choke me with their fur. Nothing special.
Saturday evening. Does anyone else ever wonder - why am I here...what is my purpose? I am sometimes struck by the oddest thoughts and they swirl and swirl around in endless circles in my brain, as if someone's skipped a pebble on the still surface of my mind. I know that no good comes out of too much introspection, it's just not something I've been willing to put an end to.
I suppose, on some level, it's what brings my creativity to the surface. When things have rippled around for a while, I find the most interesting little fossils left behind by the turmoil and they lead me to places in my subconscious that I would never otherwise have found.
Right now, I'm struck by the thought of the different lives I lead. At work, I'm serious and managerial yet, ultimately, very lazy. I do what I need to in order to get by and, occasionally, get ahead, but the knowledge that there are too many others ahead of me for anything brilliant that I do to make a difference stifles any urges I might have to break free from the bounds of mediocrity that hold me tightly in my chair. At home, lately, I'm just a slug. I sit on the couch, eating bags of peanuts while dreaming of health and fitness and making promises that I know full well I won't keep. I draw into myself like a snail or sea mollusk, hiding my hateful self from the world and using the food in a vain attempt to similarly hide from myself. When I'm on the road for work, though, I am a wholly different girl. This has come full into my face today because of the comparison between last week and now.
Denise on the road is full of fun, full of confidence, earnest in her quest for truth, justice, and the best solution for everyone concerned. I am, as someone said to me on Monday night, "intimidating" - me, intimidating! When I dug further, he said that it was because I knew what I was talking about and spoke with such conviction that he felt inadequate in comparison. This is someone who wields much power at his own company and would certainly have no reason to feel threatened by me, and he's not, but to hear that I could make him question his worth simply stunned me. I asked one of the women from the group sponsoring the symposium if she thought I was intimidating and she said that intimidating wasn't the right word, that she had always felt that I was very self assured, knowledgeable, and comfortable in the spotlight. Can you imagine? Me, comfortable in the spotlight? Well, it's true, for Denise on the road. So how do I get that girl to come forward here at home?
It seems to me that, when I'm in "The Zone", she's here in full force. At first, last Fall, when this site began receiving more attention than usual, I was uncomfortable, unsure of how to behave and certainly not comfortable accepting praise. With a lot of coaxing (thanks, Poppy), I started to understand the difference between confidence and arrogance and became comfortable with the fact that I could be something - someone - wonderful without losing myself. Where did that go? When did I lose that? Did I lose it or is it just misplaced? Misplaced or simply covered in so much dirt, dust, and muck that I can't see it anymore? She has it - that girl in Atlanta - with her quick and easy smile, the witty repartee, the stylish clothing and becoming make-up always applied before going out in the morning, the string of friends and new acquaintances looking to her for direction as to "what's next?" If she can exist there, and in New Orleans, and in Portland, then why not here? Why not, indeed?
Saturday morning. I've been so neglectful of my little site - I didn't even buy it any cool souvenirs while I was gone - and there are so many wonderful things to talk about since my last posting.
On the health and fitness front, the score is definitely not in my favor. Not a second's worth of planned activity, although I did walk at least a couple of miles every night to dinner. What I didn't do in fitness, I more than made up for in my consumption of alcohol, which is even worse, and the eating was pretty much totally atrocious as well. I'm not even mildly upset about it, though, so no tears or recriminations here. I had a wonderful (if somewhat muggy) time in Atlanta and make no apologies for my transgressions.
While I was there, I started reading Leslie Sansone's Walk Away the Pounds book, and I am surprisingly impressed and pleased with it. She emphasizes moderation, starting slowly, and not obsessing on food, which is a very non-threatening approach to trying to make positive changes in one's life. Her logic is that, once you start walking even just a little, your body and mind will start wanting to eat better, too, without the "you must" and "you can't" pressure that a formalized diet brings. She mentions WW many times and says that, for those that are interested in more structured eating, it's a good choice, but doesn't really talk about eating at all. I really like it and recommend at least picking it up at the library and giving it a read.
So, I got home Thursday evening from Atlanta and tootled off to work yesterday morning like a good girl. Once I realized that I only had one (morning) meeting on my schedule, my mind started to whirl with the possibilities of an early departure from work. When I noticed an advertisement for MLB InterLeague play featuring the Dodgers (boo, hiss) and Angels (my long beloved boys), I confirmed with my fabulous boss that it would be OK to leave a little early and then clicked onto the Dodgers' site to buy my tickets and parking pass. The game was at 7:40pm, so I was careful to leave no later than 3pm knowing that it was a Friday afternoon in southern California. Sure enough, Mapquest's 2hr 37min eventually turned into 3hr 45min, the first reason I love LA so much. Once I arrived, I found that my parking pass, far from being a reservation for a particular spot, which I'd assumed it was, only got me in the general admission, which I could have done for the same price (minus the Ticketmast@r fee) in person. Bummer, but lesson learned. I made my way to my "directly behind home plate" seats only to find that my view of all of the scoreboards was blocked by the overhang from Loge seating directly above us. Yes, I'd just spent $75 for tickets that were obstructed view. My goodness, I love LA! The game, fortunately, was wonderful. Well, I suppose if you were a Dodger fan you might have a different view of things, but, as I am a dyed in the wool Angel fan, I was ecstatic with our 9-0 shelling of the Dodger bullpen. I left for home a few dollars poorer with another major league stadium under my belt and ready for the long ride home. (Yes, there was traffic - major traffic - at 11pm when I got on the freeway. I didn't get home until after 1am. Yet another reason that I love LA!)
