Saturday, May 21, 2005

Saturday evening. Does anyone else ever wonder - why am I here...what is my purpose? I am sometimes struck by the oddest thoughts and they swirl and swirl around in endless circles in my brain, as if someone's skipped a pebble on the still surface of my mind. I know that no good comes out of too much introspection, it's just not something I've been willing to put an end to.

I suppose, on some level, it's what brings my creativity to the surface. When things have rippled around for a while, I find the most interesting little fossils left behind by the turmoil and they lead me to places in my subconscious that I would never otherwise have found.

Right now, I'm struck by the thought of the different lives I lead. At work, I'm serious and managerial yet, ultimately, very lazy. I do what I need to in order to get by and, occasionally, get ahead, but the knowledge that there are too many others ahead of me for anything brilliant that I do to make a difference stifles any urges I might have to break free from the bounds of mediocrity that hold me tightly in my chair. At home, lately, I'm just a slug. I sit on the couch, eating bags of peanuts while dreaming of health and fitness and making promises that I know full well I won't keep. I draw into myself like a snail or sea mollusk, hiding my hateful self from the world and using the food in a vain attempt to similarly hide from myself. When I'm on the road for work, though, I am a wholly different girl. This has come full into my face today because of the comparison between last week and now.

Denise on the road is full of fun, full of confidence, earnest in her quest for truth, justice, and the best solution for everyone concerned. I am, as someone said to me on Monday night, "intimidating" - me, intimidating! When I dug further, he said that it was because I knew what I was talking about and spoke with such conviction that he felt inadequate in comparison. This is someone who wields much power at his own company and would certainly have no reason to feel threatened by me, and he's not, but to hear that I could make him question his worth simply stunned me. I asked one of the women from the group sponsoring the symposium if she thought I was intimidating and she said that intimidating wasn't the right word, that she had always felt that I was very self assured, knowledgeable, and comfortable in the spotlight. Can you imagine? Me, comfortable in the spotlight? Well, it's true, for Denise on the road. So how do I get that girl to come forward here at home?

It seems to me that, when I'm in "The Zone", she's here in full force. At first, last Fall, when this site began receiving more attention than usual, I was uncomfortable, unsure of how to behave and certainly not comfortable accepting praise. With a lot of coaxing (thanks, Poppy), I started to understand the difference between confidence and arrogance and became comfortable with the fact that I could be something - someone - wonderful without losing myself. Where did that go? When did I lose that? Did I lose it or is it just misplaced? Misplaced or simply covered in so much dirt, dust, and muck that I can't see it anymore? She has it - that girl in Atlanta - with her quick and easy smile, the witty repartee, the stylish clothing and becoming make-up always applied before going out in the morning, the string of friends and new acquaintances looking to her for direction as to "what's next?" If she can exist there, and in New Orleans, and in Portland, then why not here? Why not, indeed?

So, what is next, Denise?

7 comments:

Green-Eyed Lady(GEL) said...

Hiya! Found you via Blog Explosion. I was struck by the very interesting layout of your site. The pic at the top is relaxing & reminds me friendliness.

So why am I surfing on a Sat night. Please come to my site to find out why.
I blogmarked you. Will be back. :)
P.S. I found "I Love a Good Mystery" recently and eat up those recommendations!

Anonymous said...

i can so relate to you. i go through all of that too sometimes. deja vu~

cheers ;)
sarah
http://www.tabulas.com/~shireen

Michael said...

Well, if you do find the secret to getting in "The Zone" and staying there, please let us know. :-) Lately, I have felt so far outside the zone, I'm not sure I know how to get back there.

I suppose it is good to know that the "on the road" part of your personality is in their somewhere. Maybe you'll just have to convince your bosses to let you travel more so that you can draw out that part of yourself.

Boonzie said...

Wow! The parallels between the way you and I think is sometimes a little freaky! I go through that same thing a LOT, where people see this dynamic, interesting person that I supposedly can be, and I'm just thinking, "What can you possibly be smoking?!?" It's sad, really, 'cause I know she's there, somewhere.

Rebecca said...

You should write a series of books. You're good with clifhangers. :)

DaFFy said...

You certainly wouldn't be the only one with a public and a private persona - I think we all do.
How to get your private persona feeling confident again and in 'the zone'? Baby steps :) Achieve one small goal at a time, and build yourself up.
Day by day, you'll get there :)

Alda said...

I agree with Daffy. And give yourself big kudos for self-awareness. That's where it all starts.