I'm just your average, everyday, divorced 38 year old girl -- overweight, tragically unhip,
and trying to make a life for myself. I live with two furry beasts, Dave and Abby, whose
feline mission in life is to choke me with their fur. Nothing special.
Saturday (early) morning. I'm sorry not to have posted in a while. It's not that I haven't wanted to, it's just that there's not been time during the day and I just don't have the energy for anything mental when I get home. Last week, this week, and the early part of next week are probably the most challenging at work of the entire year. This is true every year and it will be true next year, too. Something reassuring about how predictable our busy time is. Reassuring but still overwhelming when you're in the middle of it.
In any case, this week pretty much consisted of: get up, eat breakfast, go to work, work (a lot), spend most of the day in triage mode, eat lunch (at some point), work more, come home, grab a Glucerna bar, change into workout clothes, go for a walk, come home, eat dinner, go to bed. Yup, pretty exciting stuff, isn't it? Last night, though, I broke out of the mold a little and left work at 4:15pm in order to pick up Alcott (my assigned foster child) and go to his big brother's basketball game. Traffic was pretty nasty, but it was totally worth it so that he could spend some time watching his brother. Today, after a three hour Junior League meeting, his brother's CASA and I will be taking both boys out and letting them hang out (and interact) for the afternoon, which should be interesting. Two teenaged boys and two single, late 30s girls with no kids of their own, out in the world together for several hours, probably at a shopping mall - I have my camera ready for the Kodak moments!
There's something I've been thinking about and wanting to share for a while, so here I go. I'm sure all children take for granted or even sometimes dislike their siblings, but if they'd been taken away from them and could only spend a few hours a week together just doing normal teenaged sibling stuff together, I guarantee that they'd develop a new appreciation. I wish that parents would think about what their actions (or inaction, in some cases) will do to their children's future. There are services available to help before children are taken away and it never happens except as a last resort, so, if you know someone who's having a tough time of it and really seems to need help, either with their children or with life in general, please let them know that they can call the local Social Services agency (in the front of the phone book in the "County Pages" section) and that there's help available. I never realized how important the little things I took for granted about growing up with a stable, loving family are; I do now.
Wednesday morning. So, one of the things I said I was going to start doing again in my newly rededicated Ten Percent Challenge was talking about things that I'm grateful for, things that make me happy. This list could be really, really long, because I have a lot of things to be grateful for, not the least of which is my good health, safe home, and loving family and friends. However, in an effort to really focus on the here and now, I'm going to exclude the obvious answers and dig a little deeper.
Today's featured thing that makes me happy/grateful came to me while reading another weight loss blog. After reading today's entry on this site, I am so very grateful that I'm still going strong in the same way I started on this journey in June - focused on loving myself and my body, rather than full of self-hate and loathing. This journey, for me, is in no way fueled by desperation or the need to be thinner for any reason other than my health and the ability to get out and do the things I want to do. I will hold my hand up to my heart and swear to you, right here and now, on my Grandma's grave, that, if I never lost another pound and could be assured that my health would not be compromised in any way by staying at this weight, I could be happy here forever. I couldn't say that back in June because I was so physically uncomfortable and also hadn't started on the mental journey to wellness, either, but I can say it now, proudly. Let me say it again, I could be happy at this very weight, in this very body I have right now, forever and ever. I don't care that I'm a size 18/20 and weigh (as of this morning's little peek on the scale) 203.5 pounds, I'm happy, gosh darnit, and that makes me very grateful indeed.
Whoops! In my earlier post, I'd meant to congratulate Silas both for his (still "unofficial") BoB win and for losing a total of 124 pounds so far - WOOHOO for Silas. Please, everyone go over and congratulate him because he truly deserves all of the kind words and praise he receives. As someone who's about halfway there, I can tell you "this ain't no cakewalk" and it takes someone really strong to do what he's done. Strength like that deserves to be noticed.
I also want to congratulate every one of the nine fabulous sites I had the honor of being nominated alongside in the Weight Loss/Fitness category because not getting the most votes doesn't mean you didn't win. I know for a fact that I "won" simply because of the fabulous new people I've met through this contest and because of the way it made me feel to be nominated.
Thank you to everyone that voted for me and to those that voted for someone else as well, because when you're struggling to lose extra weight, public affirmation and support can make all the difference.
Tuesday morning. I was about to type in "Monday morning" because, of course, that's what it feels like to me. I'm trying not to think about how much stuff is going to be piled up on my desk by the time I get in or how many disasters await my relief work, but, as you can probably tell, I'm not doing so well with that. I am not, however, worrying myself about it, so that's good. (Plenty of time for that once I actually get there!)
Thank you all very much for your kind comments on yesterday's post. I felt immensely better once I'd written it and gotten everything out of my head, and my walk yesterday was glorious. A little over four miles in about an hour around a beautiful lake with lots of flowers bursting forth and birds flying around, too. It was just what the doctor ordered to get me excited about my workouts again! I was right on track with my food and water yesterday, too. I actually managed 84 ounces of water (and countless visits to the ladies' room - extra activity) which is significantly more than I've been doing, so I'm pleased.
I did not, however, sleep well again last night. I'm not sure what to do about it, so I'm going to try doing either yoga or stretching about an hour before bed followed by a bubble bath with candles and soft music. Something's got to give because I'm not going to be a happy girl if I don't start getting some good, restful sleep.
Monday morning. Something bad happened. Right here, on this couch. Actually, a series of bad things happened, if you want to be precise about it. I either binged or borderline binged (not a full blown binge, but many of the same characteristics) last night, for the first time in months, and now I'm left to figure out why it happened and how I can be sure that it won't happen again.
I'm trying to track backwards, figure out what precipitated this little setback (and yes, it is only a little setback, not a disaster), and there's no obvious "gotcha" out there to explain my behavior. Upon digging a little further, though, there are a couple of new things I've introduced recently into my very structured, very routine life that each brought with them some stress along with their positive qualities. I think, perhaps, that I'm just not handling the stress produced by these newcomers to my life well enough and that it's now decided to make itself known forcibly through my eating. I've also not been sleeping well of late - say, the last four or five nights - and I'm fairly certain that's down to the stress from these new things, too.
Putting aside the question of why this happened, there is also the question of "what will I do now?" I've been sort of adrift for several weeks as far as my journey to better health is concerned - not eating badly, per se, but not strictly adhering to my prepared meals, either, and not exercising 4-5 nights a week for at least an hour, either - and I haven't lost any weight as a result. Now, I'm actually very comfortable with myself at this weight and with my current level of fitness, so this hadn't really concerned me before. However, combined with last night's binge, this is definite cause for concern. If I'm not paying strict attention to the tenets of good health and I'm going to be fighting off the urge to binge on any kind of regular basis, I will soon begin the inexorable climb back up the scales and that simply cannot happen!
So, it's time to go back to June 5, 2004 when I set out the guidelines that I wanted to live my life by. I called it the Ten Percent Challenge and this is what it consisted of:
Starting today, Saturday, June 5, 2004, I will do the following things consistently -
1. Eat my healthy gourmet prepared meals for all but one meal a week. The meal that I eat outside of my prepared meals will be calorically consistent with my recommended daily limit and will include vegetables of some sort. In order to facilitate this, I will start leaving all money and credit cards at home so that the prepared meals are all that is available to me. My daily latte fix will be taken care of at home, either before work or just before bed (they're decaf), so that I'm not tempted to buy something else with my latte and so that I don't have to break my "no money in the purse" pledge for any reason. As a side bonus, this should help with my budgeting, too, because eating out is expensive! OK, I have definitely not been a shining example of goodness in this area. Yes, I've "mostly" "sort of" stuck with the basic principles, but I'm having more than one meal a week outside of my prepared meals and that's probably a big part of the reason behind my stalled weight loss. One reason that I'd increased my eating out is that the prepared meals had increased in price considerably of late while many of the newer dinner entrees are not really doing it for me, so I'm not entirely upset about that modification to the plan. The part that is disturbing is the fact that I'm not paying enough attention to the caloric content of my "outside meals" and I think I'm probably picking up an extra two or three hundred calories that way. In any case, I'm pledging to either eat all three meals each day from my prepared meals or know the caloric content of any replacement meals. Oh yeah, and the whole "don't buy any lattes, just make them at home" thing (which was also a New Year's Resolution, by the way)? Not so much working for me. Eh, you win some, you lose some!
2. Start with 20 minutes of exercise six days a week at an intensity of between 65 and 75% of my maximum heart rate and build to 60 minutes, six days a week in this manner:
OK, so I'm definitely at 60 minutes, but I'm lucky to have done it three days a week for the last few weeks because I've been pushing the intensity too much and have grown to dread my workouts. I think that, at this point, with an extra 64 pounds still hanging off of my 5'3" frame, it's time to go back to focusing on the length of my workouts rather than the intensity - go long and moderate intensity rather than trying to go long and high intensity. With this, I am hereby promising (myself) to start wearing my heart rate monitor on my walking workouts to ensure that I'm staying in the fat burning zone rather than the cardio training zone. There will be plenty of time once I'm closer to my weight goal to begin cardio training if that's what I want. Additionally, I will do these "in zone" workouts at least five days a week for 60 minutes a day. Simple, elegant, do-able.
3. Consistently drink at least 100 ounces of water every day. My motivation for this one will be not allowing myself diet soda until after the 100 ounces are done for the day. This will either guarantee that I won't have any caffeine (which is good) and/or that I'll at least get my minimum water in before taking in caffeine for the day. Good news is that I no longer drink diet soda. Sure, I'll have one every couple of months, but it's a rarity and I don't even think about it most days. Bad news is that I haven't been anywhere close to 100 ounces of water in months and months. Heck, I tried to do 64 ounces a couple of days last week and was running to the ladies' so often that it really came home to me how little water I've been drinking. Must get this part of The Challenge back on track.
4. Find something to celebrate every day and share it here. I've totally shoved this off to the side, haven't I? Yikes!
5. Focus on the positive changes that I'll be making in my life and the loving way that I'll be treating my body. Mirror that attitude in the way that I talk and think about myself. I'm a good person with a lot to offer and I need to stop running myself down just because I'm afraid that if I don't do it first, someone else will. I think I've started doing a pretty good job with this, so I'll just say "continue doing this".
So, there you have it. New things can bring stress into your life even when they ought to bring nothing but happiness. Stress for me can bring binges. Binges, in the end, can lead to new resolve and a return to focusing on what's really important.
Made for Each Other: My thoughts on naps, lazy days, and other sundry items of little interest
Sunday afternoon. I have just woken up from the most delicious mid-afternoon siesta. Yummy! This morning's activities consisted of running to: Starbucks (for a latte and scone - successful), Road Runner Sports (for another pair of my favorite running shoes and, possibly, some new workout clothes - unsuccessful), WalMart (for various household items, including kitty litter and Dryel sheets - successful), my trusty dry cleaners (to pick up the items left there on Christmas Eve - successful because they are open seven days a week!), and, finally, to La Salsa Mexican (to pick up an Original Gourmet Burrito with chicken - VERY successful). That business out of the way, I came home, had lunch, visited many blogs, read some of "The Love Letters of Robert Browning and Elizabeth Barrett", and then, gratefully, settled in for my nap. Honestly, is there a more felicitous combination of events on a Sunday that isn't really a Sunday because one does not have to work on Monday? I think not.
Yesterday was a wonderful day, too, albeit much less lazy and more action packed. In the morning, I watched "Lost in Translation", then I went to work, worked out in the gym and afterwards went upstairs to my office to make two very important (and fruitless) calls for work. That accomplished, I headed home for lunch then showered, changed, and left for the Junior League house for four hours of effort toward a project to bring arts and crafts back to San Diego City schools. Once the work part of the afternoon was done, three of us went out afterwards for coffee and gelato (mmmm) in Little Italy, where we talked about boys and, well, boys. At about 5:15, I hopped back in my little car and drove out to the home that Alcott (my assigned CASA foster child) lives in to pick him up so that we could go to Seau's (a local football themed restaurant) and Target (to spend a $20 gift card he'd been given by a local charitable organization). At about 8:30, I dropped him off at home, full (huge teriyaki chicken sandwich, a mountain of fries, followed by a hot fudge sundae!) and with his new "Sims Unleashed" video game, and pointed the car in the direction of my house. When I got here, I found an email from the woman who is the CASA for Alcott's siblings (yes, they're all in foster care, too), telling me that she was taking them out for the day. Gosh, I wish I'd known because we could have met up somewhere, but then again, perhaps it's better that Alcott and I spend some time together just us two for a while, at least until he gets more used to me. In any case, Genevieve (the other CASA) and I stayed up chatting until after midnight which is what precipitated today being such a lazy day.
And I still have a day left in the weekend - bliss.
