I'm just your average, everyday, divorced 38 year old girl -- overweight, tragically unhip,
and trying to make a life for myself. I live with two furry beasts, Dave and Abby, whose
feline mission in life is to choke me with their fur. Nothing special.
Saturday night. This isn't a real entry, it's just a quick hit to tell everyone to run out to their local Barnes and Noble, pick up one of the Book Drive bookmarks with a child's name on it, select a book for that child, and help B&N donate a million books to children in need this holiday season. The B&N nearest me (Mira Mesa location, for anyone in San Diego) is actually donating all of the books they receive between now and next Friday to Voices for Children for the holiday party next Saturday. (Imagine it: hundreds of children, many of whom have never been able to celebrate the holidays, playing games, eating lots of yummy food, meeting Santa, and getting a book of their very own. I'm going to volunteer, just to experience it.) I went over today and bought Anne of Green Gables, Little Women, and Good Wives for three little girls and The Prince and the Pauper, Treasure Island, and Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea for three young men and I feel so happy knowing that there are six little ones in my city that might be getting their first real present ever and that it will have a bookplate inside that has my name on it and a place for theirs, too.
I think I'm finally getting into the holiday spirit.
Friday night. My graduation from Voices for Children was last night and it was wonderful. In addition to being sworn in as a CASA by a Superior Court judge, I also received flowers, a copy of my oath (suitable for framing which, being a mega geek, I will be doing), and a really nice lapel pin with the organization's logo on it. MJ, Tony, and Karen, from work, were there to cheer me on (literally - man, those people are loud) and take lots of pictures for my folks, who couldn't be there. You know, I've graduated from high school, college (with honors), and had a really amazing wedding, and I've never felt as proud, accomplished, or ready to take on the world as I did last night.
I also found out my child's name, which is really awesome. Whatever else his parents may or may not have done, they sure did come up wiht a fabulous name. For purposes of this site, I will refer to him as "Alcott", because his name is related to Louisa May Alcott (and because I love the name). I've added some choices for him to my Amazon wish list (link on the left side bar), in case anyone would like to make a little "donation". I have to admit that some of these books appealed to me, too, and I really hope he likes them so that we can read them together.
Today was a much better day than yesterday at work, too. I think the funk I was in may have lifted, although I'm not going to declare victory yet.
Wednesday morning. I just finished my "first day of the month" housekeeping (weighing and measuring) and I'm a little discouraged. (See the results by clicking the link to the left under "My Progress". Sure, I lost some more weight (although I was down to 211 just yesterday morning, so that's not good, either), but I gained body fat and gained around my abdomen - GACK.
Of course, I started out in a bad frame of mind because my beautiful dress that I ordered for our holiday party arrived yesterday and (drum roll, please) it doesn't fit. The zipper is at least 3" away from meeting up around my chest, of all places. Yes, it does zip over IT (the beast, my stomach), but not over my chest, which is shrinking alarmingly. Stupid dress! I'm going to call my usual tailor to see if he can do something with it and then I'll try a bridal shop, but I'm not hopeful. I've got just over two weeks until the party and I'd imagine most places are going to be either too swamped or just not capable of the kind of work this is going to require (probably adding another panel to the dress using the matching wrap I'd ordered as a stand-in for a bolt of fabric, because that's, essentially, what it is). I tried on my dress from two years ago and it does fit, although it's really not flattering because it's a wee bit too lose, but everyone will remember it because it is very memorable. I also tried on a new, size 18, bright red dress that I'd ordered a while ago and which has been hanging, safe and secure, in my "size 18 closet", waiting for me to be able to wear it. Well, it fits, albeit tightly, and I'm not sure if it's such a good look or not, given that it emphasizes the fact that my upper abdomen is about the same size as my bust now. Grrr. Stupid dresses, stupid party!
This concludes our test of the emergency grumpy system. I'm going to go elsewhere now.
Tuesday evening. No, I've not experienced the second Immaculate Conception - I've got my assignment for Voices!!! I will be going to the courthouse next week to read the case file for a young man who is the eldest of five children, all of whom are in the Dependency Court system, although he is the only one of the five that his father has chosen not to try to regain custody of. Can you imagine being a young teen (14), away from home at the holidays, and knowing that you will never live at home with your brothers and sisters again? It breaks my heart, honestly. I told Sara, my supervisor, that I wanted to get out and read his case as quickly as possible because I need to get to meet him and start establishing a relationship in time to make Christmas something other than just another day on the calendar for him. He's in long-term foster care, according to Sara, which is much better than being in a group home, but it's still not what you've grown up with and learned to expect. I want to just put my arms out and hug him, tightly, until he feels loved and cared for again, but I know that I can't do that (nor would a 14 year old boy appreciate such a thing - so embarrassing!) and I won't, but I'll be thinking about it every moment we're together, I'm sure.
Now for the participatory part of our program. Those of you with 14 year old boys of your own, would you please comment and tell me what kind of activities (preferably free, definitely under $10) we can do together that wouldn't either embarrass or annoy him? I don't want to buy him things because our relationship has to be about more than the money I spend on him and I need to set that expectation from the get-go (thanks, Crystal, for reinforcing that to me), so think outside the box. Feel free to solicit input from real, live teenaged boys as long as doing so will not subject you to whining, sulking, or otherwise unpleasant behavior.
Who'd have thought I'd end up with a teenager? I asked, very specifically, at my mid-term interview, not to get teenaged boys. I guess it's true what my mom used to tell me - sometimes you don't get what you want, you get what you need.
Monday evening. OK, so my job description has now expanded. Formerly, my duties primarily consisted of rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic, putting down insurgencies among the developers, and mediating inter- and intra-department territorial disputes. This afternoon, I added "wrangling flaming PopTarts". I'm not kidding! Some idiot took the defective toaster out from under the cabinets, put his PopTarts in, pushed the plunger, and then disappeared, never to be seen again. If I didn't know better, I'd say someone at Acme was sabotaging our upcoming releases! I was on a conference call when I noticed smoke billowing down the hallway. I thought nothing of it at first (after you've worked at VLSCI as long as I have, you don't panic easily), then started to grow concerned as the hallway began to resemble Los Angeles on a hot, July afternoon. I exited the conference call with, "Excuse me, I think there's a fire in the hall, I need to go," and ventured out to find the PopTart in question in flames in the toaster. I reached around, yanked the cord from the wall, and began to cough vigorously. The IT folks, who live just down the hall, helpfully closed the fire doors (so that they would not be bothered with the smoke), thus trapping all of it neatly in our little corner of the world. Don't worry, I've since fixed their little, red wagons - I've got my little desktop fan out in the midst of the chaos, blowing down the hall in their direction. By tomorrow morning, they will be very sorry they messed with my team!
Sunday night. I was going to write a really important post, I even started it. I got as far as the title and "Sunday night" and then decided that I'm just in too much of a funk right now to be clever. I'm sure you're all oh-so-very-excited to read that, huh?
In any case, I've been giving this site and my life and the whole shooting match a lot of thought and I haven't come up with anything yet but I can tell something's brewing. It's happened before - a really dark funk - and something always comes out of it once it gets itself figured out.
In the meantime, I'm worried because I see myself slipping into the self-loathing/desperation mode again, the one where I have to diet fanatically and exercise every day in order to try to exorcise not my demons but...myself. Yes, that's really what I'm trying to do: I'm trying to lose myself. Of course, I can't do that - no one can - and that will, eventually, if I keep on this same road, lead me to gain every pound right back again and then some. I have to stop hating myself, stop looking at myself through everyone else's eyes and hating what I see. But, you see, some part of me, some scared little girl inside me just wants to yell, "what's so terrible about me? Why doesn't anyone like me?" I know that I shouldn't care. I know that I shouldn't base my self worth on others' opinions, but it's just not that easy. Not easy at all.
What do you know? It turned out to be sort of an important post after all.
