Sunday, November 28, 2004

Blah blah blah blah blah

Sunday night. I was going to write a really important post, I even started it. I got as far as the title and "Sunday night" and then decided that I'm just in too much of a funk right now to be clever. I'm sure you're all oh-so-very-excited to read that, huh?

In any case, I've been giving this site and my life and the whole shooting match a lot of thought and I haven't come up with anything yet but I can tell something's brewing. It's happened before - a really dark funk - and something always comes out of it once it gets itself figured out.

In the meantime, I'm worried because I see myself slipping into the self-loathing/desperation mode again, the one where I have to diet fanatically and exercise every day in order to try to exorcise not my demons but...myself. Yes, that's really what I'm trying to do: I'm trying to lose myself. Of course, I can't do that - no one can - and that will, eventually, if I keep on this same road, lead me to gain every pound right back again and then some. I have to stop hating myself, stop looking at myself through everyone else's eyes and hating what I see. But, you see, some part of me, some scared little girl inside me just wants to yell, "what's so terrible about me? Why doesn't anyone like me?" I know that I shouldn't care. I know that I shouldn't base my self worth on others' opinions, but it's just not that easy. Not easy at all.

What do you know? It turned out to be sort of an important post after all.

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