I'm just your average, everyday, divorced 38 year old girl -- overweight, tragically unhip,
and trying to make a life for myself. I live with two furry beasts, Dave and Abby, whose
feline mission in life is to choke me with their fur. Nothing special.
Friday afternoon. I went for a walk outside for half an hour, very easy, and I do think that my mood has improved. I'm not nearly as cranky and I'm eating my lunch now, too, which might have had a lot to do with my general funk.
Sorry not to have posted yesterday but I just wasn't really ever moved to say anything. Very blah day. Perhaps that is a contributing factor to my earlier high crank factor. In any case, I didn't get any exercise in, either, because the all in one jog bra/tank top that I'd brought with me looked simply hideous on (think overstuffed sausage casing) and I just couldn't face the people in the gym at work looking like that. Honestly, if you understood how completely self conscious I am about exercising in front of other people at my size under the best of conditions, you'd realize how horrifying it would have been to go in there last night in a top that was way too tight and so stretched across the shoulders and arm holes that it was creating back fat. (Ewwwww!!! TMI. Sorry.) Anyway, so I didn't exercise but I did manage to stop myself from grabbing Subway on the way home instead of eating my stuffed shells with pesto sauce from DietToGo (amended with a liberal serving of Hunt's Tomato Sauce with Chunks of Tomatoes), so not an altogether bad day for the healthy lifestyle thing.
C's youngest daughter, we'll call her The Imp, has a birthday coming up in October. I decided that she needs a dollhouse and have put a lot of research and planning in to find just the right one, with enough options and goodies to make her little girlie girl heart content. So, after all of that planning and buying, the dollhouse itself arrived at C's yesterday. It's the Loving Family doll house, available at Amazon (among others, I'm sure), and I've also purchased seven rooms full of furniture, two grandmas (one didn't look anything like C's mom, so I bought another one, separately), and one grandpa from various sources. Oh, yes...I am having fun with this little experience!!! Finally, after eight years of nephews (both of whom I love dearly), there's a girlie girl and I get to buy her girlie toys. WooHoo. Now I just need to figure out how to break it to C that I'm going to buy her most of the Talbot's Kids catalog outfits for Christmas.
I'm off to get a (non fat, decaf) latte before my team meeting. It's going to be a very brief meeting from my standpoint because I really don't have much to say and I don't feel like sitting around today.
Weeks until LA Marathon: 25 Weeks until Christmas: 14 Exercise today: 30 minutes/1.5 miles slow, easy walking
Friday morning. I am such a total grouch today!!! I didn't start out that way but after only two and one half hours here at VLSCI, I'm like The Crankmaster 2000. I find myself looking at the contractors on my team and questioning what they're doing, if they're goofing off, etc. I've been going over my reports and getting mad about small defects that I've found. I'm not normally an angry, broody person. Honestly, I'm not. Being moody makes me, well, moody. Almost like a terminal loop. I need to break this little cycle because no one needs to put up with me being like this (especially not on a Friday) and it's so not good for me to dwell in negativity (it blackens everything with its darkness). I think I shall take my 45 minute easy walk, as prescribed by my official LA RoadRunners Marathon training schedule, and then have lunch, and see how I feel.
Back with more later (and hopefully a little more upbeat, too!)
Wednesday evening. I'm on my way to the gym for my lovely 75 minutes of walking followed by a set of tricep extensions (I have to do them for my eDiets challenge), and I just have to stop by to say that I really, really love C. Since he's stopped calling me at work on his drive to work (at my request), I feel so completely bereft at noon fifteen every day without hearing his voice. I know that it's making the time that we do talk a lot more meaningful, and I know that some of our conversations were starting to get a bit snarky (mostly on my part, to be honest), but that doesn't mean that I don't miss it.
Oh yes, and I have a rant to get off of my chest. When I got my suitcase back from Delta last week after my flight home from Virginia, I noticed that it was missing it's very cool, all leather luggage tag. I thought it was odd at the time because leather is pretty darned durable and not likely to tear. After my initial annoyance passed, however, I just emailed the nice folks that I'm ordering the replacement strap for my shoulder bag from and asked them to order me another luggage tag, too. So, yesterday I got a notice from the Mail Lady from Hell telling me that there was a postage due letter for me at the Post Office, so I went there today, put down my hard earned 23 cents, and got an envelope from the Delta Connection containing...my luggage tag! It is pristine as the day I pulled it out of its hermetically sealed plastic cover when I bought it, so it couldn't have gotten caught in a piece of machinery and ripped off (as I'd theorized). It has a buckle on it, not some flimsy snap, so it couldn't have come loose, either. No, as C said as soon as I told him about it, "someone took that luggage tag off of your bag purposefully." Now I'm really confused. If someone wanted to steal a (very cool) TravelPro leather luggage tag, why would they then go to the trouble of sending it back (albeit postage due)? If anyone has a good theory (or interesting story) about what happened to my luggage tag, please let me know.
Enough stalling...off to the gym with me!
So said Denise on 6:15 PM # | 0 comments
Oh yes, and just one more thing: thank you to the second person to post comments to my blog. I am so unreasonably proud and humbled at the thought of having two people reading my daily ramblings. I promise that, one day, I'll come up with something really fascinating to write about. Honest. Stay tuned!
Wednesday afternoon. I was just reading Lori's blog (Tales of a Bathroom Scale -- see link on left) and I can so totally relate to the way she's feeling. Even now, as I'm doing well with eating properly and exercising adequately, I can still feel that cold finger of fear creeping up my spine. That gnawing feeling inside that says, "you'll never be thin enough and, even if you ever are, you won't be able to stay that way. You're a fat girl...always have been, always will be, and it's just pathetic that you keep trying to change." Don't get me wrong, I don't dwell on that, I don't let myself believe it (consciously), and I fight it with the positive thoughts that Dr. Karen and I have worked so hard to foster. Still, it's always there, always lurking...waiting to pounce on me once my resistance is low.
You know, it's not even just weight loss and a healthy lifestyle that's tough to achieve...having the life that I want seems like The Impossible Dream sometimes, too. I mean, honestly, I meet nothing but losers that are local (losers and man children who are oh so very attractive while being emotionally so screwed up that it would take more time than I've got left on Earth to straighten them out) and then this great guy who loves me, respects me, honors me with every action that he takes, wants me -- as I am now, mind you! -- and wants to marry me, and where does he live??? That's right, he's 2,700 miles away in an area that I probably wouldn't be able to get any job other than as the WalMart greeter. (Not that there's anything wrong with that job, other than the fact that I couldn't survive on that salary without giving up absolutely everything of any substance in my life. Except C, of course.)
Then there's the condo. I love where I live, it's just the right size for me and the two little furry ones (900 square feet), it has an amazing view out towards the mountains, and the neighborhood is well appointed and quiet. There are, however, just a few, nagging things wrong with it. For one thing, there was the water leak under the sink ($77 in emergency plumber costs for a temporary fix) which has the entire house smelling wet and left stains on the ceiling and walls downstairs. Then, there's the broken storage compartment door in my carport (that would be from when The Biggest Mistake of My Life -- see my archives from April for details -- drove home drunk and ran into the door with the car). I've had two separate companies out to look at it and neither of them could repair or replace it. I need to get the whole thing repainted (I've even got the paint) and I need to get someone out to haul away my old, non functional treadmill (Proform -- don't ever buy one! I had to have the service people out twice before the first year was over and then it just died once the warranty expired at the end of the first year.).
Blah, blah, blah...yadda, yadda, yadda. I'm SO fed up with having all of this junk in my head! And, my friends, that's why I created this little island for myself. This is where I can vent and put all of this so that it doesn't ruin the rest of my day. And, I still cling to the hope, however tenuous, that one day, if I work hard enough and live a good life, that it will all get easier.
Weeks until L.A. Marathon: 26 Weeks until Christmas: 15 (as of tomorrow) Activity yesterday: None -- feeling blecky and just couldn't face 45 minutes of interval training (I'll do it Friday morning instead) Activity today: None yet, but I'm going to do 1-1/4 hours of easy walking before I leave today...I PROMISE!
Tuesday afternoon. I am sitting here, stunned. Someone actually posted a comment for me (in response to my pathetic plea for validation). Someone actually reads what I write. Wow. I am so humbled and so excited, all at once. I guess that means that I'd better start coming up with much more interesting things to write about, doesn't it? Hmmm.
Not that this topic qualifies as interesting but it's on my mind, so just bear with me...my company (a very large, internationally known software company that I will henceforth call Very Large Software Company Inc or VLSCI) has stopped stocking the Zee Medical cabinets with such basics as ibuprofen, acetaminophen (sp?), antacids, Midol equivalent, and cold remedies. They will continue providing band aids, Ace wraps, and Neosporin equivalent antibacterial ointment, but no more medications. This is VERY BAD. As a manager, my gut feeling is that the person who made this decision will be nowhere near the development teams in the next few months as we develop over 800 products for release in a six (6) week span (concurrent with the December holidays and New Year's, mind you) and thus will miss out on the joy of listening to people crab and be unpleasant to one another all because there are no OTC remedies for their headaches, body aches, and tummy aches available. I sincerely hope that whatever amount of money we are saving with this change is worth the sanity of every manager in development, because that will be the ultimate cost. If an army marches on its stomach, software product development at every large corporation marches on the Zee cabinet. Well, Zee and caffeine, if we're being truly honest and forthcoming. My solution to this little conundrum? I'm heading out to Price Club to buy the mega huge bottles of Tylenol, Advil, Midol, and Tums for my office. I love this place and the folks on my team, too, but there's just no way I'm putting up with four more months of crankiness!
I don't think I mentioned it yesterday, but my eDiets challenge team has accepted a mini challenge from another team to see which group can drink the most water this week. Consequently, I drank 128oz yesterday (and was up all night to prove it) and I've done 96oz so far today. I'm so fed up with running up and down the stairs to the ladies' room that I may forgo my personal goal of 178oz today and just stick with another 32 before I go home. Perhaps by cutting off the water before 7pm I might have an uninterrupted night's sleep? Man, I sure hope so!
Back to the (software development) salt mines! More later.
So said Denise on 2:38 PM # | 0 comments
Tuesday afternoon. While reading through Odious Woman's post from last Wednesday, I came across this really great concept. World Run Day 2003 is an event designed to allow athletes, both armchair and otherwise, to marry their love of running (I'm assuming they won't turn their noses up at a few walkers, too) with the desire to help their fellow man. The idea is that you choose a charity, raise money for them, and then run (walk) whatever distance you choose on November 10th as part of this world wide event. Sounds pretty cool to me, so I'm going to spread the word around my eDiets group and at work, as well as participating in it myself. Hey, it's a free tshirt, at the very least!
Monday morning. Yes, today is the Day After Denise's Ephiphany and it's going pretty darned well, I think. I know, I should never say that because it's just tempting fate. Boring, manager stuff to take care of first thing on a Monday (getting timesheets from not only my four contractors but also MJ's five, too) and I had to be here before 8:15am, too. Brutal! Where is Amnesty International when you need them?
This week, my Creative Challenge team from eDiets.com has a mini challenge with another team to see which group can drink the most water, so I need to start slurping the clear stuff down. I must do my part for the team, and it will also help flush out all of the nasty stuff accumulated in my system last week while I was on my junk food fest. It's a good thing from every angle.
I am still scared about C and I for so many reasons (distance, money, personality differences, etc) but I know this one thing with absolute certainty: I LOVE HIM. He is probably the most wonderful man (other than my saintly father) I've ever met and, for reasons that are not entirely clear to me, he loves me. Wow! I/we have to find a way to make this work. Perhaps time will make things clearer? We'll see.
Weeks until L.A. Marathon: 26 Weeks until Christmas: 16 Activity today: None, it's a planned/scheduled day off on the official LA Roadrunner marathon training schedule. Yeehaw!
Sunday evening. Today has been a pretty blah sort of day, nothing special. I got up and did my required one hour walk early, didn't push myself terribly hard, and managed only three miles in an hour. Not impressive but it got done and I'm pleased. I also stuck with my DietToGo lunch even though it wasn't very inspiring because first, I really want this weight off and I know that as long as I eat what they send me, I'll lose weight and, second, it's a terrible waste of money (and food) when I don't. I did jettison the chickpea salad (bleah!) and substituted seven reduced fat Triscuits instead, but, other than that, I ate what was on my menu. I am, accordingly, pleased.
So, the possible epiphany (or, as Oprah calls it, aha moment) is that I really do want to do this...eat properly and exercise...and that, if I make sure that I've always got the food ready to go in the fridge and workout clothes laid out the night before, I will do it. The happy part of this realization is that I have the power to make this work for me, even long term. The bad part is that it is, at the heart of things, sheer laziness that prevents me from being on plan 100% of the time.
* I am too lazy to go grocery shopping and get healthy food in the house myself so, if for some reason my DietToGo isn't here, I'm off plan. * I am too lazy to get up a little earlier and put together my workout clothes to take to work so, if I forget/am too lazy the night before, I'm off plan. * I am too lazy to go to 7-11 after work to get more Evian so, if I forget or am not home to go to the store on the weekend, I'm off plan.
They say that knowledge is power, now we'll just have to see what I do with this knowledge.
Weeks until L.A. Marathon: 26 Weeks until Christmas: 16 Activity today: one hour/3 miles by the bay
