Wednesday, September 10, 2003

When does it stop being so hard?

Wednesday afternoon. I was just reading Lori's blog (Tales of a Bathroom Scale -- see link on left) and I can so totally relate to the way she's feeling. Even now, as I'm doing well with eating properly and exercising adequately, I can still feel that cold finger of fear creeping up my spine. That gnawing feeling inside that says, "you'll never be thin enough and, even if you ever are, you won't be able to stay that way. You're a fat girl...always have been, always will be, and it's just pathetic that you keep trying to change." Don't get me wrong, I don't dwell on that, I don't let myself believe it (consciously), and I fight it with the positive thoughts that Dr. Karen and I have worked so hard to foster. Still, it's always there, always lurking...waiting to pounce on me once my resistance is low.

You know, it's not even just weight loss and a healthy lifestyle that's tough to achieve...having the life that I want seems like The Impossible Dream sometimes, too. I mean, honestly, I meet nothing but losers that are local (losers and man children who are oh so very attractive while being emotionally so screwed up that it would take more time than I've got left on Earth to straighten them out) and then this great guy who loves me, respects me, honors me with every action that he takes, wants me -- as I am now, mind you! -- and wants to marry me, and where does he live??? That's right, he's 2,700 miles away in an area that I probably wouldn't be able to get any job other than as the WalMart greeter. (Not that there's anything wrong with that job, other than the fact that I couldn't survive on that salary without giving up absolutely everything of any substance in my life. Except C, of course.)

Then there's the condo. I love where I live, it's just the right size for me and the two little furry ones (900 square feet), it has an amazing view out towards the mountains, and the neighborhood is well appointed and quiet. There are, however, just a few, nagging things wrong with it. For one thing, there was the water leak under the sink ($77 in emergency plumber costs for a temporary fix) which has the entire house smelling wet and left stains on the ceiling and walls downstairs. Then, there's the broken storage compartment door in my carport (that would be from when The Biggest Mistake of My Life -- see my archives from April for details -- drove home drunk and ran into the door with the car). I've had two separate companies out to look at it and neither of them could repair or replace it. I need to get the whole thing repainted (I've even got the paint) and I need to get someone out to haul away my old, non functional treadmill (Proform -- don't ever buy one! I had to have the service people out twice before the first year was over and then it just died once the warranty expired at the end of the first year.).

Blah, blah, blah...yadda, yadda, yadda. I'm SO fed up with having all of this junk in my head! And, my friends, that's why I created this little island for myself. This is where I can vent and put all of this so that it doesn't ruin the rest of my day. And, I still cling to the hope, however tenuous, that one day, if I work hard enough and live a good life, that it will all get easier.

Weeks until L.A. Marathon: 26
Weeks until Christmas: 15 (as of tomorrow)
Activity yesterday: None -- feeling blecky and just couldn't face 45 minutes of interval training (I'll do it Friday morning instead)
Activity today: None yet, but I'm going to do 1-1/4 hours of easy walking before I leave today...I PROMISE!

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