I'm just your average, everyday, divorced 38 year old girl -- overweight, tragically unhip,
and trying to make a life for myself. I live with two furry beasts, Dave and Abby, whose
feline mission in life is to choke me with their fur. Nothing special.
Saturday morning. I would first like to point out that I had a really cool post put together on Thursday night only to click onto my Hotmail and lose the entire thing. Hmmmm. Frustrating!
So, cleaningfest last night went well. I've basically just got to make Mom's bed and it's all good. I didn't manage to get MY room vacuumed, but then I so seldom ever make it all the way through my room before guests come. Other than the vacuuming, though, my room is looking pretty darned good. The entire house looks halfway decent for a change. What I ought to do is, once Mom's gone, start the more intensive stuff that I never get around to because the superficial stuff (vacuuming, picking up) isn't done. I could, potentially, tackle my messy house demons for good and put myself on the flylady schedule for maintenance. Will I do that? Remains to be seen!
No message from S this morning. I know that I told him that it wasn't important whether or not he kept emailing, but I really do love seeing his messages in my box. He is a man of few words (at least, via email), but what he says is always so sweet and it's nice to know that, no matter what I've screwed up on here at home, there's someone out there who still cares.
Mom arrives this morning around 9:30am at the train station in Solana Beach. R is going to Sea World to register her annual pass and would like to get together with us for lunch. I hope that happens because I haven't seen R since the climax of The Biggest Mistake of My Life, which has been over 6 months now. (I wonder when that will stop being the first thing I think about when judging whether or not I should go out with someone? ) If we do go out, I'd love to go to PickUpStix or Rubio's or Pasta Bravo. After having been perfectly on plan for 16 days now, with only the one Healthy Burrito last weekend after my race, I am really ready to get some different food. Still healthy, mind you, because I'm not undoing all of my good work!
Haven't heard from K at all since I sent him a rather directly worded email questioning why he was concerned about his brother seeing us chatting. I basically said that if our chatting was something that he had to hide and be ashamed of or embarrassed by that our friendship probably needed to change. I don't know how he's going to take that, but I know that I'm pretty proud of myself for having said it. It's entirely possible that, by saying what I did, I won't hear from him again or that our friendship will be permanently damaged, but, you know what? I'd rather not speak with him at all that have things continue as they are, with K flirting like mad and making me feel special only to know, deep in my heart, that he's never going to be with me (for whatever reasons). I personally think this is serious progress and I'm sure Dr. Karen would agree, were I to tell her of this whole little situation, which isn't going to happen.
Not sure if I'll post until Monday night, just because the computer is in what will be Mom's room and she goes to bed so darned early that I probably won't get a chance to sneak in before she goes to sleep. That will just make Monday night's post all the more voluptuous, won't it?
What kind of freakish mind game is life playing on me now???
Sigh. OK, so, once again, I am learning the lesson that life sometimes is a very, very funny place to be.
So, I've mentioned S, my Navy penpal, before. We are still chatting and getting along great, other than the fact that he just doesn't seem very talkative, but I think that's just how he is. His ship is on its way home and we will probably meet face to face by the end of next month. Since I don't think he understands just how big I am, I'm a little stressed about how he's going to react when he sees me in person. No matter how much I tell myself that it doesn't matter if he is totally not into me, it's still going to hurt. I mean, maybe it won't bother him. Perhaps, at the ripe old age of 24, he's wise enough to realize that what's really important in a relationship is the content of the other person's character, not just the way that they look on the outside. Not that I look so completely awful on the outside, but I am larger than average. Of course, C, in all of his bohemian musician glory, thought I was pretty fantastic and I was even heavier then than I am now. Of course, he definitely danced to the beat of his own drummer (quite literally). Anyway, so that's S. One would think that would be enough excitement, right? Sigh.
So, as I'm getting ready to post tonight (reading other blogs for inspiration), who should pop up in my Yahoo box but K. Now, K is this guy that I've been chatting with forever online. I mean, honestly, forever. I think we started talking 2 years ago now. He's a journalist and has this great mind and quick wit and is every erudite thing that I love in a man. So dangerous! Anyway, we met in a BBW chatroom (not an auspicious start for any meaningful relationship, I will grant you) and I think he was probably looking for a nice little bit of cyber sex/flirtation but was surprised to find an intelligent, funny woman to whom he could relate on a lot of levels. We eventually even chatted on the phone several times, each time finding more things that we have in common and more reasons to be incredibly attracted to one another. Still, I always kept a little part of myself reserved because I knew that nothing could come of it. Over the next couple of years, we ran into one another occasionally online, always flirting gently (sometimes not so gently), always he asked me if I was dating anyone (nearly always the answer was "no"). Anyway, he resurfaces a few weeks ago while I was in one of my rare periods in front of the computer at home. By this point, S and I are in serious flirting mode, so I'm a little spunky and a little bold in my conversation with K. I mean, if I've got the cute 24 year old, I can afford to be flip with K, right? So, what happens when I say to him, "so when are you going to come to your senses, realize that I'm the only woman for you, throw your entire life into chaos, and sweep me off of my feet?"? He replies, "Soon" or words to that effect. The sound of my jaw dropping could be heard the next building over. Wow, and he started out as king of my "safe" men because there was no way that he would ever amount to anything more than a flirtation! When I think about how good being with K for real could be, on every level, in every way...
Tonight in our session, Dr. Karen told me that she thought one of my goals was to find someone that I could have a relationship with that would meet my criteria for a real man and create a loving, lasting relationship of substance. A real relationship with someone who is my equal, who feels the same passion for me that I feel for him, who wants me to be my very best and encourages me to explore and take chances, someone goofy (like me). Is it too much to hope for? Gosh, I hope not.
Anyway, enough for tonight. My head is swimming with dreams and schemes and the overwhelming desire to hop a bus or a train or a plane and make this dream happen. But that is in the future and tonight is for sleep.
Don't look now, but I think I've figured out some of this high tech stuff
Tuesday night. Once again, didn't post yesterday or Sunday. I think I need to just get used to the fact that even my blog will be less than perfect and that's OK.
Sunday, I walked in the Carlsbad 5000 and managed to match my previous best time (from mid December) of 48 minutes, 2 seconds. I won't pretend that I wasn't a wee bit disappointed not to have bettered that time but at least I didn't go over it. It rained at the starting line and then got hot once the rain stopped so I really ought to be pleased with myself for sticking with it and putting together a pretty decent time. Didn't get much of anything done around the house (so what's new?) but I did get all of the laundry washed and put away. I'll get the place presentable before Mom gets here on Saturday, though, even if it means pulling an all-nighter on Friday. (OK, everyone who thinks I'll be up until midnight on Friday, raise your hands.)
Made the mistake of weighing myself this morning. I shouldn't have done it until Thursday morning but I just couldn't resist the siren's song. All of the vanity accumulated from last week's labors propelled me toward the scale and I was powerless to stop. (OK, that's not, strictly speaking, true, but I was really curious to see how I'm doing after having a pretty fabulous week.) What did I find, Intrepid Readers? A gain of half a pound. Bleah. Fortunately, it has not yet caused me to buy out the snack food racks at 7-11, as has happened in the past. I'm just taking it with a grain of salt and waiting for my real weigh in on Thursday to see if it's just a fluctuation. Realistically, there's just no way that I could be eating 1800 calories (or less) a day, doing 2 hours a week of toning/weight training plus 45 minutes of cardio five times a week and gain weight, so it's either hormonal or just water weight. Either way, I know that I'm doing what I need to do and I'm not going to stop because of the reading on the scale. Huh. You know, I think I might be growing up a little. This is a good sign. I need to remember this for my visit with Dr. Karen tomorrow.
Haven't heard from S today. I know that it shouldn't bother me, but it does. To paraphrase Rodgers and Hammerstein, I've grown accustomed to his messages. Little frowny wrinkles furrow my brow as I wonder what this lack of communication portends. In reality, of course, he's busy, he's at war, and he just didn't think about writing me today. End of story. Always remember, Denise, if you choose the way of the twentysomething male, you're going to have to put up with a lot of aggro when he doesn't do things that he "ought" to. Warning duly noted.
Yesterday, Cameron tasked me with formulating some goals and bringing them to our session on Friday. Since I am not even at the baby steps stage of social development, I've decided to go with the infinitely easier fitness goals. I want to:
be a size 20 by Memorial Day (roughly 16 pounds away)
be able to run 30 minutes straight by the 4th of July
be running 20 miles each week AND be halfway to my goal weight by September 7th (when I start my 6 month training program for the LA Marathon)
I don't know if Cameron will buy off on these goals or not but I'm willing to commit to them and that's the important thing. As I said to Cameron on Monday, I know that I can do that marathon, it's just a matter of putting in the miles, and I want this!!!
Alrighty, I'm off to figure out how to get a site traffic counter installed here and then I'm off to bed. (Well, I might put in some metatags, too. I understand they will increase traffic to my site and I'm foolishly starting to think I'm ready for a larger viewing audience.)
