Thursday, April 17, 2003

What kind of freakish mind game is life playing on me now???

Sigh. OK, so, once again, I am learning the lesson that life sometimes is a very, very funny place to be.

So, I've mentioned S, my Navy penpal, before. We are still chatting and getting along great, other than the fact that he just doesn't seem very talkative, but I think that's just how he is. His ship is on its way home and we will probably meet face to face by the end of next month. Since I don't think he understands just how big I am, I'm a little stressed about how he's going to react when he sees me in person. No matter how much I tell myself that it doesn't matter if he is totally not into me, it's still going to hurt. I mean, maybe it won't bother him. Perhaps, at the ripe old age of 24, he's wise enough to realize that what's really important in a relationship is the content of the other person's character, not just the way that they look on the outside. Not that I look so completely awful on the outside, but I am larger than average. Of course, C, in all of his bohemian musician glory, thought I was pretty fantastic and I was even heavier then than I am now. Of course, he definitely danced to the beat of his own drummer (quite literally). Anyway, so that's S. One would think that would be enough excitement, right? Sigh.

So, as I'm getting ready to post tonight (reading other blogs for inspiration), who should pop up in my Yahoo box but K. Now, K is this guy that I've been chatting with forever online. I mean, honestly, forever. I think we started talking 2 years ago now. He's a journalist and has this great mind and quick wit and is every erudite thing that I love in a man. So dangerous! Anyway, we met in a BBW chatroom (not an auspicious start for any meaningful relationship, I will grant you) and I think he was probably looking for a nice little bit of cyber sex/flirtation but was surprised to find an intelligent, funny woman to whom he could relate on a lot of levels. We eventually even chatted on the phone several times, each time finding more things that we have in common and more reasons to be incredibly attracted to one another. Still, I always kept a little part of myself reserved because I knew that nothing could come of it. Over the next couple of years, we ran into one another occasionally online, always flirting gently (sometimes not so gently), always he asked me if I was dating anyone (nearly always the answer was "no"). Anyway, he resurfaces a few weeks ago while I was in one of my rare periods in front of the computer at home. By this point, S and I are in serious flirting mode, so I'm a little spunky and a little bold in my conversation with K. I mean, if I've got the cute 24 year old, I can afford to be flip with K, right? So, what happens when I say to him, "so when are you going to come to your senses, realize that I'm the only woman for you, throw your entire life into chaos, and sweep me off of my feet?"? He replies, "Soon" or words to that effect. The sound of my jaw dropping could be heard the next building over. Wow, and he started out as king of my "safe" men because there was no way that he would ever amount to anything more than a flirtation! When I think about how good being with K for real could be, on every level, in every way...

Tonight in our session, Dr. Karen told me that she thought one of my goals was to find someone that I could have a relationship with that would meet my criteria for a real man and create a loving, lasting relationship of substance. A real relationship with someone who is my equal, who feels the same passion for me that I feel for him, who wants me to be my very best and encourages me to explore and take chances, someone goofy (like me). Is it too much to hope for? Gosh, I hope not.

Anyway, enough for tonight. My head is swimming with dreams and schemes and the overwhelming desire to hop a bus or a train or a plane and make this dream happen. But that is in the future and tonight is for sleep.

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