Thursday, May 26, 2005

Don't want to post, don't want to do anything

Thursday morning. I'm fairly certain that I'm fighting through a depressive episode again. The laundry just sits there, my plants on the balcony are withering and dying because I don't water them, assignments at work aren't getting done, and I feel like the world's biggest slug. I can't stand it when I'm like this and I know that it looks like plain, old laziness from the outside and maybe that's all that it is except that I know how it feels inside. It's as if just getting off of the couch would be the hardest thing I've ever done. Writing my self appraisal? Tougher than reading (and following) War and Peace. I just let everything go and am pleased that I manage to get up, shower, get dressed, and make it to work each day. This sucks and, if I weren't such a coward and anti-drug person, I'd go out and get a prescription for something that would make this (just about) monthly joy go away. Did I mention the fact that the one thing I do like doing when I'm like this is binge eating? Oh, joy!

I want to be that girl from a few months ago who had the world on a string. I want to be light and happy and not feel like the fattest thing in the world with no clothes that fit. Seriously, I've outgrown my clothes and, since I was Miss "I'm in control of this thing and will be a size 14 in no time", I tossed all of my size 20 and 22 stuff out months ago. Now each morning's battle to get up and get to work is complicated by the fact that I have nothing to wear. Any idea how much it's killing me to have to go out and buy size 20 clothes?

It's like I said back on March 31 - I'm just not sure if I will be able to do it again...find that whatever it takes to want to be healthy more than I want to eat. So, to Anonymous, who so kindly told me to "get a grip", um, yeah, I knew what I was talking about when I said it was a slippery slope and that I could feel myself falling back into the hole of darkness and terror where nothing but food can save me. Aren't you glad that you belittled how I was feeling? I know that I am.

11 comments:

Kath said...

I am SO feeling exactly the way you have so eloquently put it. I am in the middle of writing a blog about pulling myself out of this pit of quicksand that I feel like I'm in but it just seems too overwhelming to write everything down.

If you come up with any "snap out of it" ideas - please let me know.

Annie said...

Aw, Denise, if it helps at all, I feel ya, girl! I feel like I've been living on my couch since I got laid off. The other day I went for a walk, which turned into a longer and longer walk and when I got home, I startled myself with my reflection in the hallway mirror: sweaty and flushed and mad hair. It was then that I realized I missed seeing that girl - not necessarily the messy, unkempt girl but the girl who would work out and go places and do things and make things come true. That's the face that motivates me - I work out and then look in a mirror so I can see Her. The whole visualization thing (picture yourself thin, picture yourself fit) is okay, but too often it tempts me just to live in my head. Seeing the real me in the mirror, Huffing and Puffing and Yucky As All Get Out Me but a me who's at least done SOMETHING to fight the sloth on that particular day, well, that's real to me. Then I punch myself in the arm and hop in the shower and even if I go back to the couch, at least it's some kind of forward motion. Hang in there, Denise. Don't let go.

Wendy said...

oh, girlie, I feel for you and want to help. I have two ideas, maybe at least one of them will be useful in some way: (1) sounds like you need some comfort and pampering. is there anything you can do for yourself that satisfies this craving that you can DO - like a massage, pedicure, going to the ocean and staring at it, etc.? maybe that would help you turn the corner, OR (2) can you maybe just give yourself permission to wallow for X amount of time, so it's OK to lay on your couch and moan, til the buzzer rings, tomorrow or whenever, and then it's time to move to the next phase.
Maybe these are dumb ideas - but I'm just trying to help! feel better! I'm pulling for you! ;)

Nicole VA said...

I don't post often but wanted to chime in and let you know that what you are feeling is not foreign to many of us. Ebbs and flows; it happens with determination, with willpower, with motivation, with everything. It may take you a while to get your head around this thing, but it's a positive start that you can identify some of what you are feeling. I'm no expert, nor a miracle worker, but I can tell you that you will get through this. And you have a hell of a lot of people rooting for you.

And the anonymous' of the world can kiss my fat arse.

Bluegrass Mama said...

Denise, I'm so sorry to hear you're down again. Just a question: do you have any type of flesh & blood support group (in additional to this great virtual one)? I'm wondering if something like OA or even Weight Watchers would help.

ms ralph said...

I wish I lived near you so I could give you a BIG HUG and just listen to you. Please try to ignore those comments that hurt, I know it is hard. I do understand your hurt because I've lost and regained in the past. It is a bad place. No doubt about it. Today I want to leave you with these words because again, they're better than mine, "Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." Dale Carnegie AND "Courage, it would seem, is nothing less than the power to overcome danger, misfortune, fear, injustice, while continuing to affirm inwardly that life with all its sorrows is good; that everything is meaningful even if in a sense beyond our understanding; and that there is always tomorrow." Dorothy Thompson

Kristi said...

I am right there with you on the clothes thing. Last summer I was at my lowest weight during my weight loss journey... I was nearly 50 pounds down, and fitting into size 14 skirts from The Gap. My clothes were so comfortable and I felt good in them. Now I've gained around 20lb since then... summer has pretty much arrived and I have only 1 pair of shorts that even fits. I feel disgusting in my clothes and hate the fact that I've been re-buying size 18 stuff just to get by, because I got rid of everything above a size 16 ages ago.

DaFFy said...

Oh Denise, I'm so sorry to see you aren't feeling too great with yourself.
Hang in there. You're a gutsy lady and if anyone can get through this, it's you.

Rebecca said...

Sorry to hear you're down. Keep looking to the bright side. It'll get better soon! :)

Nikki said...

Hi, I come here from time to time and just wanted to offer that you are not alone and you can get back on track. One day at a time.

Keep writing, you will write your way out.

Plantation said...

The last thing in the world you wanna hear right now is another 'hang in there' comment. So I'm not gonna say it. But that doesn't mean I'm not gonna think it.