I'm just your average, everyday, divorced 38 year old girl -- overweight, tragically unhip,
and trying to make a life for myself. I live with two furry beasts, Dave and Abby, whose
feline mission in life is to choke me with their fur. Nothing special.
Saturday afternoon. I'm supposed to be on my way to TCB's right now, but I've got to post just in case I forget when I get home, so here's my Top Five Things I Have in Common With One of My Parents (whom I saw for lunch today):
1. I am cautious, like my father
2. I am intolerant of clutter, like my father (of course, I'm also sometimes a total clutter magnet, like when I'm depressed)
Friday morning. I'm sleepy and it's semi-cold outside (plus foggy) and I'd like to spend today curled up on the sofa with my chenille throw and a good book. Who'd like to go in to work for me today???
And, while we're waiting for our volunteer, here's my Top Five Things to Do on a Lazy Autumn Day:
1. Cuddle with my kitties (nothing makes them happier when it's cold than to lie on top of or next to me)
2. Savor a latte (non fat, decaf, sugar free, of course)
3. Pull out that book I've been meaning to read and read it straight through in one sitting
4. Take a bath with lots of good smelling bubbles
5. Absolutely nothing - pull the duvet up to my chin, roll over, and go back to sleep!
NaBloPoMo, Day 2 - I don't think I want to play anymore
Thursday evening. First, here's my Top Five list for today:
Top Five Reasons I Love Autumn 1. Cold, crisp nights (good sleeping weather)
2. Football (especially high school)
3. Pumpkin Spice everything
4. My birthday!
5. Thanksgiving (my very favorite holiday)
I think I'm figuring out some of what's had me so topsy turvy lately. I've got this sense of impending badness that is becoming more and more palpable and I think that's got me thrown for a loop. For instance, TCB called today and, in the course of conversation, mentioned that his commanding officer had sent him a sort of cold/nasty email with an implied threat that his upcoming evaluation will be really poor. Something like that could kill his chances of ever making Chief and that's really sad given how much of himself he puts into his job. Also, frankly, if they're going to make it so that he can't become a Chief, then I say he ought to choose a posting that he likes rather than one likely to get him advanced. His hurts are my hurts and I could just feel his pain and uncertainty through the phone. There's just a ton of the uncertainty flowing around me right now and I hate that.
I'm also sort of unhappy with the opening night gala I'll be attending tomorrow night for the Junior League. There's nothing wrong with the party - as a matter of fact, I'm pretty certain it will be incredible - but I'm just not feeling good about going. I've been taking an hour here and two hours there away from work lately and now I'm going to need to take another half day or so and I worry what my boss will think about me as I do that. I just have this icky feeling in the pit of my stomach about going...I know that I ought to, but I just don't want to. Maybe I should just call TCB and cancel? I'm the one that bought the tickets, so it's no money out for him. UPDATE: Guess what? I don't want to go so I'm not going. Just called TCB, asked if he'd be upset about not going ("me upset about not having to drive south on 5 on a Friday night? Um, no."), and decided to skip it. Yes, it will be beautiful and people will have fun, but I don't want to go for whatever reason and so I won't.
Wednesday night. Today is the beginning of National Blog Posting Month and I've decided that I'll do a series of 30 "Top Five" lists to make sure that I don't run out of things to write*. Accordingly, I give you my Top Five Things I Love list:
1. Going to Laguna Beach for three days for work (seriously)
2. My new Kitchen Aid mixer, gifted to me by TCB for my birthday (yes, it will be purely decorative, but so is the rest of my kitchen)
3. My mom and dad
4. Wearing short skirts and patterned tights (together and separately)
5. Alcott (the most pure joy I've ever encountered)
The mental fog I was fighting with seems to have lifted. Or, possibly, I moved through it. In any case, I walked this morning and today's food has been reasonable. I also lost another pound when I met with Gloria this evening which turns out to be the least important thing in this paragraph.
* If you'd like to contribute ideas for "Top Five" lists I can present this month, please either leave them in the Comments (either version) or email me. Thank you for your consideration!
Tuesday morning. It's happened. I knew things were going really well and it was too easy for me to keep walking every morning. Life is cyclical and bumps are going to come along and, well, they have.
Sunday morning I woke up and planned to walk for my 17 minutes (plus warm up and cool down) before heading to the 10:30 a.m. yoga class. Not only did I not do the walking, but I spent so much of the morning ruminating on what I wanted to stuff into my mouth that I very nearly missed yoga. To be more accurate, I decided about three separate times that I was not, in point of fact, going to attend yoga at all. "I'm not feeling it," seemed to be the predominant feeling of slackerness. I did manage to drag myself to class and the battle did not stop there. I couldn't stay still, my mind wouldn't stop wandering, and nothing felt good or right.
You might think that I'm discouraged by Sunday morning's shenanigans and I was until this morning. Today I've realized that I've just discovered an early warning system for unresolved stuff that I need to deal with. At this point, I still am not sure what's going on that's got me so out of sorts, but I know it's there and I knew it much earlier than I normally would have because of the yoga. I stayed for the entire class and just went back to the corpse pose (can't spell the yoga name for it) every time I couldn't bear the fighting going on inside me while I was trying to follow the teacher. Yoga isn't about forcing anything, it's about retraining and being gentle, so I relaxed as much as I could and didn't give up entirely, so I'm feeling pretty good about the experience overall.
Of course, I still haven't walked since then and last night's dinner was either borderline binge or outright binge (not sure), but I know there's something just under the surface and I'm not beating myself up. What I do need to do, however, is come home tonight and get totally quiet with myself to figure out what's up and see if I can't do some working through in order to get back to a healthier path. In the meantime, I'm just doing the best that I can and that's more than good enough.
