I'm just your average, everyday, divorced 38 year old girl -- overweight, tragically unhip,
and trying to make a life for myself. I live with two furry beasts, Dave and Abby, whose
feline mission in life is to choke me with their fur. Nothing special.
Thursday morning. The title refers to the state of things in Chez Denise at this moment. How wretched must things be that I am going to have to call the house cleaning service and tell them I can't have them come tomorrow because my house (in particular my bedroom) is too messy. No, not dirty...messy. You can't see the floor in my room for the dirty clothes. Crap everywhere. I'd love to say that it's because I'm too busy, but that would be a lie and I try to avoid those. Gah!
I met with Gloria last night and it was another good session. For one thing, I'm at my lowest weight since I started with her, which is nice but did not give me the jolt of pleasure that I used to get in the Bad Old Days when I was a prize-winning food restricter/rabid exerciser. Now, the number on the scale is just a nuisance because I know that it could totally drag me back into that ugly whirlwind of "yeah, look how much weight I lost (I'm going to be even more militant in my food restriction and working out so that I can see more of this)"/"Omigosh, I gained weight? How could that happen when I've been such a good restricter (let's eat something since I've obviously "blown" it)?" Anyway, we talked about what's been going on with this site over the past week and she gave me her take on it. Basically, she talked about the three ways that disordered thinking folks (that would be me) will react to traumatic situations: flight, fight, or freeze. I use food to flee from trauma (doesn't work, of course, but that's what I do). At some point, once I can't stand the fleeing anymore, I turn to the fighting impulse, which is when I turn on myself and start restricting my food and exercising compulsively. Strictly controlling my food is an attack on myself because it implies that my body doesn't know when to eat, what to eat, and when to stop. And, here's the thing, I do know those things when I trust myself and am not so focused on the number on the scale that I get obsessed with losing weight quickly and second-guess myself. Anyway, I'm still on the right path even with the emotional challenges I'm dealing with right now (work stuff, so I'm not going to discuss here) and that makes me happy.
Aerobics for the Fat Girl is tiring. The pool at the Y is over chlorined. I need to get to class early so that I don't end up in the deep end where the water gets in my eyes. (I'm 5'3".) I cannot stand on the noodle with both feet. I am still ungraceful even under water. My cute tankini is wholly inappropriate for water exercise. It is really annoying to have to keep yanking your bottoms back up and your top down while attempting to keep doing the correct arm movements.
I did not binge today. I ate more food than my body strictly needed, but I didn't binge.
I am so flippin' tired. My eyes are literally drooping. Part of that is the chlorine in the pool (see above) and part of that is just a day fully lived. (And the many meetings at work.)
Rasberry Zinger tea really is the best thing ever. Ever.
Did you notice I've posted every day for the last few? Me, too.
Monday afternoon. Frowny face me. I have completed all but three of my team's reviews and that's a good feeling. I'm still grumpy.
I want to pick up some bad fast food, go home, and lie in the big velvet chair until the...whatever the heck I'm feeling...stops. But then I've told myself that I'll go to the 6:50pm Aquafit class at the Y. Aquafit or binge? Aquafit or binge?
OK, let's be logical. I'm a project manager at a high tech company so logic is part of my DNA. (Gag, seriously, no more reviews!) Anyway, logically, the binge will satisfy my emotions (not that I can identify what they are, but I know that they want me to binge) and soothe me out for at least an hour. I know that an hour doesn't sound like much, but it's such blessed relief from the usual sturm und drang going on in my heart and in my head. I just want to make it stop. I don't want to have to exercise. Not in a pool. Not out in the (sweaty) world. Not in the privacy of my own home with a DVD and my air conditioner. Nowhere. I don't want to move, I don't want to stop eating before I'm full, I don't want to stop bingeing because I know how lonely that feels. (Whoa, where the heck did that come from?)
What about not bingeing makes me feel lonely? Is it that food - too much, too greasy, too too - is my friend? It doesn't judge, it's always there, it helps me forget (temporarily) about my problems. Hmmm, perhaps that is it.
But, why would I feel in need of friends? I have TCB. Granted, he's 45 minutes away and not the greatest conversationalist on a chatty day, but he's still there. Honestly, though, he's not a friend in the sense of being able to just gab without thinking, without censoring. I have Tracy. Granted, she's an hour by plane and is dealing with a family situation, so we don't talk much, but still.
Wow, I really don't have any friend-friends, no wonder I'm lonely. I've always been a loner, though, even as a very young child. I don't make friends easily but I tell myself that it doesn't matter because I like being alone. Maybe that's not true.
Ugh, I'm making myself dizzy with this. I'll be back with more later.
UPDATE: Well, I didn't go to the Aquafit class because I remembered that I still haven't picked up a lock for the locker at the Y. Grr. What I did do, however, was come home and hit the treadmill for a 20 minute iFit workout. Not fun and not tremendously fat shattering, but it's not a binge, so I'll take it.
Sunday afternoon. Alrighty then! I just checked in from TCB's condo and realized the drama that I unleashed with my last post. This is totally not what I want here or anywhere, for that matter. I indulged myself in a moment of self-doubt where I allowed myself to be hijacked by my emotions and I wrote a post at that moment, which I pretty much knew was wrong as I was doing it. It's funny, really, because I was listening to Marianne Williams on the way up here this morning and she talked about this very topic and I remember thinking, "Hmmm, that's what I did with my post." We live and we learn.
Here's what's important - everyone's entitled to their opinion and no one else's opinion can change how I feel about myself without my permission. So, I choose to take what everyone has said as a sign of their caring about what happens to me and, as such, I'm going to say "thank you" and move on. (Leslie and I have corresponded and we're square.)
Let's all take a moment and be glad that we live in a society where we can have our own thoughts and express them freely without fear of reprisals. Let freedom ring.
p.s. No binges yet today. I had a full-fat Denver omelet this morning with fruit (only ate half of each) and sliced tomatoes for breakfast and 6" turkey sandwich at Subway with low fat mayo accompanied by a chocolate chip cookie for lunch. Again, this is what I want for myself. I feel nauseated with the low blood sugar right now but that's the way it goes as I wean myself off of huge amounts of food. Hopefully, if I'm able to keep it together for a week, that nausea will go away. Once that happens, I can start my cardio. Regular cardio, reasonable amounts of reasonably healthy food, plus water and relaxation/flexibility and we'll see where it gets me. This is what I can commit to forever and I'd rather be stably overweight (not obese) without yo-yoing than be untrue to myself.
This new path is uncomfortable for me, too. I've lived my life by all of the dieting "rules" and this is where it's gotten me. Gloria has said that this path will take three years to get me to my natural weight and that it will be a permanent state when I get there. I trust her and I'm giving it a chance. I'll ask you guys to do the same.
Here's what I'll commit to: 1. Exercising for 30-90 minutes 5-7 days a week (cardio) 2. Eating foods that make my body feel good 3. Eating not until I'm full but until I'm sated 4. Doing some sort of flexibility practice 1-2 times a week (Yoga, Pilates, or NIA) 5. Drinking 64-130 ounces of plain water (drinks with Splenda or Nutrisweet don't count toward this total)
In case you're questioning my credibility in putting together this list, I've lost over 100 pounds three separate times and gained it back - painfully, pound by pound - each time. So, when I go through the (what I'm sure looks like a very) self indulgent process with Gloria (not a therapist, by the way, but a weight loss counselor and yoga instructor - I've tried therapy and it doesn't work for me) of figuring out what's going on inside my head, it's so that I don't end up right back here again. Yes, I could restrict my food (I'm really good at that, witness the 100 pound losses and my archives from 6/04 to 2/05) and exercise compulsively to the point of pain (plantar fasciatis anyone?), and then, invariably, I'll hit some emotional speedbump along the road and it will all come undone because I won't have figured out what makes me binge in the first place. I'm always interested in how others on the road are doing (witness my lengthy blogroll, most of which I navigate every day), but that's them and this is me and weight loss is not a "one size fits all" solution. Hey, I think I just found another meaning for the title of my journal! Very cool.
Wait, I just thought of another commitment I'll make in front of all of you!
I will: 6. Never, ever, ever condemn or question the commitment of a fellow traveler on the road to better health. I haven't walked a mile in their sneakers, so how can I possibly know what they're going through?
