I'm just your average, everyday, divorced 38 year old girl -- overweight, tragically unhip,
and trying to make a life for myself. I live with two furry beasts, Dave and Abby, whose
feline mission in life is to choke me with their fur. Nothing special.
Saturday afternoon. You can't pick him out, but this picture is of Alcott and his brother Boogie Boarding at the beach. They went out so far that I nearly stopped breathing every time a wave crashed down because I was afraid I wouldn't see their little heads pop back up. But, of course, they did. They are like fish in water and they had a wonderful afternoon.
Friday afternoon. After my session with Gloria, my weight loss teacher/guide, I feel a lot better and have a clearer vision of what's going on internally with me. She explained to me that there's a lot of negative energy built up in my poor body because of the years of abuse I've put the poor thing through and that releasing that energy isn't something that is going to happen overnight. I'm releasing little bits of it at a time right now and you can definitely see the difference in the way that I'm thinking about myself and acting outwardly. You cannot, however, see it (yet) in the number on the scale or the way that my clothes fit. That will come with time and I'm OK with that. Yes, I could force myself to follow a strict diet and do the 90 minutes of daily exercise that's recommended for the obese person wanting to lose weight (that would be me), but that won't deal with the underlying reasons I've been eating the way I have and I'll end up back here again anyway, so we'll just skip that part of the program.
It's still just so odd to think that weight is a secondary symptom of a much more fundamental issue inside, but it's true. The weight and eating is an outward manifestation of the (self) hatred and fear that keeps me locked up inside myself. Gloria and I talked about the different levels on which this fear can be approached: physically (through exercise - definitely something I want to work on), emotionally (can't even go there because that's where my biggest block is), mentally (that's what she and I are doing together with the hypnotherapy), and spiritually. Ah yes, spirituality. I've always had this love/fear relationship with my spiritual side. I think it stems from the fact that my soul just expands so much when I'm in church and/or engaged in thoughts about God that it scares me. Something so big, so exciting...it terrifies me. And yet I'm drawn there, too. Gloria talks about "The Course in Miracles" as a text to think about when approaching the spiritual portion of our work together, so I'm considering an Amazon purchase.
Part of me just wants it "over" (as if such a concept really exists) and the other part knows that I'm taking steps along the right path and that patience and persistence will take me where I want to go.
Tuesday afternoon. Yes, I think I've found the answer to "the question". You know, the big question: Why can I not seem to lose weight even though I want to? Please, don't all rush toward me at once because there's plenty of wisdom to go around! Here's what I've come up with...it's because I don't want to lose weight and be healthy as much as I want mashed potatoes. And, with that, I'm done.
OK, no, I'm not really done, but this has been quite the realization for me. I'm not really all that het up about losing weight. I've come to the point that I'm not hating myself for being fat, I'm forgiving past transgressions (and transgressors), and I'm doing some really good work on myself internally. The fact that I'm still bingeing every night and (primarily because of that) not getting any exercise just doesn't trouble me that much. It can't or else I'd be doing something about it. Possibly the internal work is causing some of the bingeing? I'm not sure, to be honest, but I'm tired of beating myself up about it and it's going to stop now.
Not losing weight, not eating correctly (bingeing), not getting any exercise...these things do not make me a bad person. They do not make me lazy or unmotivated. Alternatively, doing all of those things perfectly would not make me better, smarter, prettier, or more clever. This is all just one small piece of me and I need to stop obsessing about it and realize that it's not changing because I haven't made it a priority. That's a choice. That's MY choice.
UPDATED to add - I'm not saying that it's a good choice. I have Diabetes and have watched my father (also diabetic) go through heart surgery because of his poor eating and exercise habits. I know it's not a "good" lifestyle choice. What I'm saying is that I can't let it make me feel like a failure and get obsessed and depressed because I'm bingeing at night and not exercising. Pushing myself into depression over this will not get me anywhere good and, in fact, will only fuel the eating and lack of exercise. Yes, I want to be healthy and strong, I just don't want it as much as I want to sit on the big velvet chair after a stressful day at work and just completely numb out. No stress, no worries, just food and the air conditioning (or fan) and TV. Blessed relief.
Monday afternoon. I just received word that my pregnant team member had her baby about five minutes ago while her deployed Marine husband was on the phone with her. Praise God! The beginning of life is such a miracle, isn't it? Yesterday she was alone and wondering what it would be like to be a Mama and now she's holding this brand new person around whom she will build her life for at least the next 18 years. Wow.
Yesterday was the memorial service for TCB's partner and friend. It was a difficult day at the end of a difficult week. Many people came to pay tribute to a funny, kind, gentle man who loved his family and brought a lot of joy to the world.
In the midst of life, we are in death...and I find that somehow reassuring.
