I'm just your average, everyday, divorced 38 year old girl -- overweight, tragically unhip,
and trying to make a life for myself. I live with two furry beasts, Dave and Abby, whose
feline mission in life is to choke me with their fur. Nothing special.
Thursday evening. Last night, I talked to Gloria about how tough the past few days have been, about the stress, the bingeing, the whole meal deal. She asked me to talk about my dad and why he keeps coming up in our hypno sessions and I came up with the fact that he always seemed to me to be angry and so I've blocked anger in as many forms as possible from my life ever since. I avoid people that get angry and yell. I don't express my own anger. If I run into someone who is angry or people who are yelling at each other on TV, I change the channel, quickly. The block is working like a charm. Except for the fact that I still feel the anger, I just don't express it. Gloria explained that, when you go into anger with a desire to heal rather than wanting to wound the person you're angry with, your intention will ensure that things work out as they're meant to. I'm pretty sure that my dad never thought much about his intention when he yelled, he just wanted whatever he wanted and he wanted it quickly. That's definitely not an intention to heal.
Are you seeing a pattern here? Not asserting myself when people at work take advantage of my good nature and sympathetic eat. Not asserting myself or expressing my anger when my boss just expects miracles and then never really shows appreciation. I feel the anger, I feel the frustration, I just don't express them, and it's killing me. Bite by bite, as I try to numb away the pain of continued trauma to myself, I'm getting closer to dying. Is it any wonder I fight with depression all the time???
Oh, and when I talked to Gloria about my planned activity goal, she suggested making a mini goal (since the original goal is probably not very attainable at this point). So, my mini goal for the next month is to get 30 minutes of planned activity at least twice a week. Yes, that's a long way from where I want to be, but it's also a fair pace from where I am now!
If I didn't have a potluck, I'd have no luck at all
Tuesday morning. One of the girls at work is due to have her baby any time now (due date is at the end of the month), so we're throwing a potluck/farewell for her today. (She didn't want a shower so there will be no decorations, no games, just food.) I have a bad feeling that this team is equally good at home cooking as my last team, so there will be lots of good stuff to eat. Oh, well, I'm not worrying and will simply focus on not bingeing.
No activity as yet, but it's really more because of all of the other activities going on. Meetings, baseball games, precious time with Alcott and his siblings, and tonight a massage (what a blessing!) have really tied up my time that is not spent working. Oh yes, and the heat that is sitting on San Diego like a press. Thankfully, TCB and I went shopping Sunday and found what is probably the very last portable air conditioner in the area, so at least it's bearable in my condo now. Well, I'm baking the world-famous Chili Relleno Casserole in my oven at this point, but I cranked the AC up before I started pre-heating and it's doing beautifully.
Work really sucks right now. It's not anything new, really, I'm just feeling it more intensely right now for some reason. Gloria, my weight loss teacher/hypnotherapist, says that sensitive people (that would be me) feel things more accutely and that, every time I let someone at work take liberties with my time or energy or whatever, that I'm betraying myself. Over time, those betrayals add up and I eat to stuff away the pain of having betrayed myself. I watched it happen yesterday: an employee camped out in my office to wait for me after a meeting and I could feel a tightness in my chest as soon as I saw her. I knew that she'd need me to listen, to help her process through some difficulty she was feeling, and I just didn't have the energy for myself, much less enough to give to her, but I still went in there and sat through 40 minutes of it. My team needs me, the project teams I'm on need me, the other managers need me (not as much and not in the same way, thankfully), and my boss needs me whenever there's work to do. And when do I get a "thank you"? I don't. Never. Not from my employees when they walk into my office and get me involved in whatever turmoil they want to resolve. Not from my boss who I seldom see unless there's a problem and who can't even be bothered to look up from his Blueberry for two minutes while I try to talk to him about things that I need from him.
And now, just this morning, I realized that The Depression is simmering just under the surface. I do not want to deal with this again but there is simply no other choice for me. I cannot give up and give in to it because I don't have time. Wait, how can I not have time for me??? What else is more important?
