I'm just your average, everyday, divorced 38 year old girl -- overweight, tragically unhip,
and trying to make a life for myself. I live with two furry beasts, Dave and Abby, whose
feline mission in life is to choke me with their fur. Nothing special.
Saturday morning. I'm posting this before I have to hop in the shower to get ready for a day of incredible heat at a Voices for Children event with Alcott and his younger brother. It's supposed to be 96F out there today and I'm the girl who breaks out in heat rash when it gets over 80! Oh, well, such is life.
In other news, I'm just finding it far too difficult to fit exercise into my life, so I'm just going to give up. Um, not! What I am going to do is sit down and do some scheduling/planning so that I can figure out how to fit dinner in before working out (I'm ravenous otherwise) and still get it - and everything else I'm supposed to be doing before bed - all in. Note that I'm not beating myself up, though? Yes, I'm giving myself points for that!
Okey doke, time to figure out if the clothes that I need to wear today are dry yet (I'm betting they're not) and then get in the shower. Oh yes, and TCB is sound asleep downstairs because his plane from Memphis got in last night at about 11pm Pacific (1am Memphis) and there was just no way he was driving 45 minutes to his house at that point. Hooray for having my favorite Cute Boy back in the Golden State!!!
Friday morning. OK, so this whole "figure it all out and get everything perfect" thing just isn't my gig. No news there. I've got to focus on one thing that will help me achieve my Mission Statement and get that going before adding in new elements. To that end, I've decided to work on getting enough planned activity for a little while.
What? I'm choosing the exercise thing? Me??? I'm like the Ultimate Exercise Hater (UEH), for pity's sake! Yup, that's true, but it's pretty obvious to me and to Mr. Magoo, too, that the eating thing is going to take a LOT of hypno and mental housecleaning to get straightened out, whereas I have no "exercise disorder" and thus should be able to make some good progress. (Besides, who knows but that working the bod might not make the mind want less junk food?)
Anyway, here's my goal: 90 minutes of some planned activity on 5 days each week. Yes, that's extreme and I don't expect that I'll hit it right off the mark, but this is a goal, right? I'll be measuring progress each week with one of those cute, little ticker thingies because it's cute and I need more cute in my life.
Wednesday afternoon. The title of this post is not metaphysical or metaphorical, it's a straightforward question about why this site exists. Three (or so) years ago, when I started this site, it was with the idea that I would talk about my efforts to lose weight. I had no concept of the bigger picture of better health or dealing with my demons, I only wanted to figure out how to lose a bunch of weight, do so, and then never think about it again. I've come a long way emotionally since that time and I know that the journey never ends, that it's so much more than being skinny so that I'll like myself (because I already do!), and that changing the outside doesn't change anything on the inside by itself. And yet, I still need to lose this weight. And this journal is floating around not really doing myself or anyone else any good because I'm giving myself permission to not hold myself accountable. Yes, I have an eating disorder and it's going to take me some time to get where I want to go, but I'm 100% certain that I'll never get there if I don't start making concrete changes. Still, I don't want to get all militant and angry again, because that just leads to self-loathing which will eventually help me put it back on again. (Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt which is now too small!) So, what to do?
Here's what I'm thinking: I'm not clear enough on what I want to do (specifically) or why I want to do it. When this happens at work (not that it ever does!), I raise my hand and ask what we're trying to do - specifically, then we regroup and refocus. Upon reflection, I think I need to develop a Mission Statement for this little project I'm on. (I probably need a catchy project name, too...all the cool projects have nifty names.)
How's this? I want to lose enough weight to be considered "normal" on height/weight charts. While working on this project, I commit to not berate myself for being human and promise to see mistakes along the way to serve as lessons for the future, not reasons for regret. I want to heal my many fragments back into a happy, healthy whole.
Along those lines, I've pruned back my site template a bit. No need for miscellaneous distractions here, either: this is a site that deals with my weight loss/better health project and it needs to be to-the-point. Tomorrow, I'll post a specific goal that I will work on for the rest of the week; for now, I need to zip off for my appointment with Gloria.
Monday afternoon. I just had to say goodbye to TCB at the convention center and I cried all the way from there to the Subway sandwich shop. It's been so nice having him around every day and spending lots of time together and now he's going to be here, without me, for another four days and I'm going home this evening. Combine my sadness with the fear I always have around flying and I'm a basketcase. I'm going to go back to the YMCA down the street for a little while then take my shower and leave.
I don't want to leave. And, TCB, if you're reading this, be safe and come home soon.
Sunday morning. As I sit here on the couch in our room, TCB is fighting through a headache (probably much due to the wine last night) and I'm not sure what today will hold. I've made plans to meet with a local reader at the Starbucks at Peabody Place this afternoon, so that will be fun, but there's nothing on the schedule otherwise. I've read that there are some beautiful homes in the Victorian area of town, so perhaps I can convince TCB to head over there once he's feeling better? If nothing else, the opening night reception for his conference next week is tonight at the main hotel, so we'll definitely be making an appearance there.
