I'm just your average, everyday, divorced 38 year old girl -- overweight, tragically unhip,
and trying to make a life for myself. I live with two furry beasts, Dave and Abby, whose
feline mission in life is to choke me with their fur. Nothing special.
Saturday afternoon. So Gloria and I did this really cool hypnotherapy on Wednesday where she had me visualize the part of me that needs to binge (it looks like a take-out box from my favorite Mexican place, by the way) and ask it what positive purpose it was serving for me. It had to ask several times before I got the answer: bingeing helps me know that I'm OK and that I'm "here". It's like validation for me. Then she had me visualize the part of myself that wants to be healthy and whole (it looks like me, in shape and Zen-like, in workout clothes) and think about how it felt, how I felt. After that, she asked me to look back at the Mexican food take-out box and see if it had changed any, and you know, it really had. It was smaller and further away. She then asked if it would be possible to feel validated without the bingeing and I could feel that it would, so she asked what I saw for the bingeing part of me and I had to tell her that I couldn't see the box anymore. Seriously, I just couldn't see it there! We went on to combine the feeling associated with bingeing with the part of me that wants to be healthy and whole, and I really could feel the validation that I crave starting to associate with my healthy self. Very cool.
Why am I telling you this? To explain why, even after I had the biggest binge of my life Friday night (seriously, it involved three different restaurants), I feel very hopeful. I don't need the binges and I can be validated and safe without them because it's all about keeping myself and my health at the forefront of my eating decisions. Sounds simple, I'm sure, but this is really a break-through for me.
Thursday morning. Recently, both TCB and I have had our financial information compromised - he through the theft of a government computer me because some idiot kid at my Alma Mater hacked into a secure part of the school's server. There is just no worse feeling than knowing someone could be running around creating a false identity with your personal information and ruining your life. Oh, wait...there is a feeling that's worse: not knowing that someone is running around doing evil things with your personal information because the company or entity responsible isn't required to tell you of the theft!
The Federal Trade Commission has estimated that 9.9 million Americans are victims of identity theft every year. Many states have already passed strong laws that provide notice to consumers when their personal information has been compromised. I used a form that I found on the Internet to send a message to my Senators and Congressman letting them know that this issue is important to me and that I want them to either create or support legislation that will safeguard our personal financial information.
If you're interested in doing the same, go to FinancialPrivacyNow.org (run by the folks who put out Consumer Reports, a not-for-profit) and fill in your information. Once you click on the Submit button, emails will automatically be sent to your elected officials and you'll be given PDF or Word copies of what's been sent. Super simple and it's through direct action like this that Congress knows what the will of the people is on important matters.
Wednesday afternoon. I don't know why I'm posting today as I have nothing of any importance to write about. I guess I just want to get back into the habit of writing something everyday. Feel free to move on to your next read.
I continue to have my highs and lows - it varies from meal to meal and minute to minute. Sometimes, eating properly is the simplest thing in the world and others it feels like I'm going to die if I don't eat Mexican food. Last night was one of the latter times and I did, in fact, eat a large amount of Mexican food. I stopped before I'd call it an official binge, but it was still unnecessary eating because I'd had some pasta salad and several cookies for dinner at a Junior League committee meeting. I didn't feel hungry, but I felt sort of sad that I'd had such a small amount of food and that I wasn't physically hungry for more. Freaky, I know, but that's how I felt and I gave in. I just don't think I want to be healthy and lose weight as much as I want to eat large quantities of tasty food.
I don't really have much else to report except that I still haven't made it to the Y. I think a lot of it is simply being intimidated by the thought of being judged by the little chippy at the YMCA. Part of it is also the fact that I loathe going through any sort of administrative BS and I know that I'm not going to be able to just walk in, present a check, fill out an application, and get my card. They're going to want to schedule an orientation or fitness test or something and I'm just not into that right now. I only want to take the water classes and I don't need orientation for that. Of course, it's this sort of attitude that keeps me fat, too, so I suppose I'll "grow" through the inevitable experience.
Oh, wait, there is one thing more. TCB and I might be going on a cruise from Seattle to Alaska and back to Vancouver! It would be in September and be seven blissful days. The only "maybe" in the deal is that, if he gets the promotion he's being considered for, he won't be able to go anywhere until after September 15th and most of the Alaskan cruises depart on or before then. Bah! Oh, well, if we can't do it this summer, we'll do it next September and then it will be a celebration of his promotion, too.
One evening I said to Denise, "I don't guess you could marry me and live in a coal town?"
Monday night. Some days are easier than others. I could end today's post with that simple thought (and that's a tempting idea, believe me) because it sort of sums up everything I'm thinking right now. I do well at some things and then I binge again. I think it's just Life reminding me to stay humble and not take anything for granted. If that's correct, then I'm happy to say that it's working.
It's the oddest thing, this moderation thing. How do you know if you're doing it right if you're not perfect? It's as though I have nothing to measure myself against and it leaves me sort of anxious and confused sometimes. Other times I just go with the flow and stop overthinking it, but it's difficult to give up the habit of a lifetime overnight, you know?
Anyway, had a nice weekend - completely binge-free. Spent time with both Alcott and his older brother. Spent time with TCB although not at the SD County Fair, as was his desire. (Way too hot for me. Way.) Still haven't had the big conversation that I want to have and I hate that because it makes me fearful that there's lots of stuff going on just under the surface that we're not talking about. I know we're happy, but are we happy?
I think that's all that I want to write at this point, so I'll go.
