I'm just your average, everyday, divorced 38 year old girl -- overweight, tragically unhip,
and trying to make a life for myself. I live with two furry beasts, Dave and Abby, whose
feline mission in life is to choke me with their fur. Nothing special.
Denise said, "I didn't go hunting. They came looking for me."
Thursday afternoon. Thank you so much to everyone who took the time to write me (either in comments or email) after my last post. My yoga/weight loss teacher, Gloria, tells me that my frustration and rampant emotions are a good sign because it means that I'm feeling things and not just bottling them up behind food. She also says that I need to celebrate and strive for small victories as opposed to expecting perfection and being constantly disappointed with myself for anything less. In the spirit of that, I will share that I have eaten on plan every breakfast, lunch, and snack this week, and I didn't binge last night even thought TCB and I went to Chili's. Yes, I ate more than my 500 calorie plan, but it wasn't a binge and I am OK with that.
Another thing that I am OK with is how happy I look in this picture with TCB, taken at the Corpsmen Ball last Friday. Doesn't he look handsome in his uniform? Am I not the luckiest girl ever? I am not obsessing over how big my tummy is, only that I am happy and cared for and supported by a wonderful, lovely man. What more is there?
Wait, wait, wait, there is something more: I'm going to take an "Othersize H2O" class at the Y tonight and, if I like it, I'm going to join and do two of these classes a week. (They are specifically designed for Plus Sized people so that I don't have to be uncomfortable about how I will look pool-side - hooray for that!)
No huge pronouncements of fitness goals or "I will lose this much weight by this time", just baby steps.
Monday afternoon. Stop this thing, I want to get off. Blah blah work, blah blah Junior League, blah blah blah. Blah. Oh, and let us not forget the biggest blah of all: Blah blah weight loss and fitness. Fed up. So fed up and sick of this. Don't want to talk about it, don't want to think about it, don't want to have nightmares about it, don't want to think about it while I'm at a military ball and worried that I'm the fattest girl there and that I'm having a negative effect on TCB's career as a result.
Why won't this work for me this time??? I've never gone this long really wanting to make a change and not being able/willing to get it done. I'm the one that loses weight really easily once I get on the bandwagon. Why not now? I cry all the time now - for no apparent reason - and I feel like a total failure because of this one, stupid thing. I know that TCB is just itching to say, "Why is this so hard for you? Just eat less and move more." I'd be thinking the same thing if I were him. Heck, you're probably all thinking the same thing, too. Why isn't it that easy for me? Why does the mere thought of restricting what I'm eating to, say, 1400 calories a day, send me straight into a binge of epic proportions? Getting on the treadmill seems totally pointless after I've just eaten enough for a family of four, not to mention my fear that I'll vomit from all of the food combined with exercise.
And then all of this makes me anxious and that makes me want to eat to numb it away. Of course, it never really goes away, but the food soothes me. Why is there nothing else to soothe me? (Other than compulsive shopping which I can no longer afford and which is not significantly healthier for me than the binge eating.) No, not hot tea, not a hot bath, not a walk around the block (definitely not that), just nothing can stop the panicky need that rises up and demands that I eat until I'm completely full and satisfied. That's it right there, actually, it's not about eating until I'm not hungry...that's not enough. I have to eat until I'm satisfied. Where does that come from? Why do normal people not have that problem? (Yes, I know, using the word "normal" is a bad thing...but if I have to be PC on my own journal, what's the point?) What messed up part of my life has created this situation and what do I need to do to fix it?
Today, this minute, right now, if someone offered me a pill that would take away any desire to eat food, even if that meant I'd never enjoy tasting another thing ever, I'd take it. Without worrying about side effects. Without considering how it would affect my enjoyment of life. Without a second thought. To live life without obsessing about binges is a dream that I cannot imagine will ever come true and I don't know how I'm going to get control of this thing given that fact.
