I'm just your average, everyday, divorced 38 year old girl -- overweight, tragically unhip,
and trying to make a life for myself. I live with two furry beasts, Dave and Abby, whose
feline mission in life is to choke me with their fur. Nothing special.
Friday night. This is so horrific...I'm sure I'll be having a nightmare about it tonight. I've thought about getting a sawzall(sp?) and just cutting away my abdominal fat but, dear Lord, they had to use cranes to lift her fat away. Please not me. Please not me. I'd rather be the lonely old lady with 400 cats than the fat lady with a 200 pound fat apron removed by a team who you just know was disgusted and snickering the entire time.
Why? Why is there such a thing as eating too much? Why do we have free will when it creates so much pain and so many problems??? I'm fed up.
Wednesday morning. So angry. If you could look at someone and see how angry they were by their color, on a scale of blue to red where blue is totally mellow and relaxed and red is so angry they could explode at any moment, I would have looked like a cooked lobster last night. While I really enjoy my Junior League activities, I am also very frustrated by some of the things that happen. Last night, several things came together to render me angry beyond anything I've felt in a long while and, once the meeting was over (8:30pm), I binged in a way I haven't in a long time. Seethed and ate, seethed and ate.
And yet, I'm not beating myself up. Why? Because I know why it happened and it's uncovered something really powerful for me: I don't know how to appropriately express anger. I'm so scared of anger - mine, others', and anger in general - that I just stuff it away. I honestly have never been able to feel angry without feeling the need to stop it, make it go away, smooth it over. My father was (is, although I don't have contact with him) a man whose anger frightened my baby and toddler self so much that I would cry and hide in my room just to avoid being around him. But then he'd love me and hug me and tell me how special I was until I did something that would set him off again. (Is it any wonder that I have dated so many men who are such jerks?) Certainly, he had no issue with expressing his anger. Frequently and vociferuosly. To this day, hearing raised voices or being in a situation where there is strong disagreement makes me want to escape, to be safe, to make it all stop.
So I've been doing some research - and I feel stupid even saying this - on how to be angry. Well, not being angry, because I certainly feel the feeling, but letting my anger out. Expressing my feeling so that I'm not blocking it up inside myself. By blocking such an important part of my emotional self I just don't see how I'll be able to make myself whole, so this is quite important. I'm going to ask my Lighter Way teacher for some resources to help me along this path and I'll post here if I find anything really helpful.
