I'm just your average, everyday, divorced 38 year old girl -- overweight, tragically unhip,
and trying to make a life for myself. I live with two furry beasts, Dave and Abby, whose
feline mission in life is to choke me with their fur. Nothing special.
Saturday afternoon. The boy (Alcott) and I have so many things in common that it sometimes scares me. I mean honestly, we could totally be related if it weren't for the fact that I'm far too flaky to be responsible for another human life. (My poor kitties are barely tolerant of my neglect and I'm always worried that I'll come to find a gone somewhere that they'll remember to feed us note on the table. Good thing they don't have opposable thumbs!)
Anyway, here's a list of things we agree on:
We love... * our families - more than life almost * the Los Angeles Lakers - how could you not? * Cold Stone Creamery - his standing order is cheesecake ice cream with strawberry mix-in * Rubio's Mexican food - two shrimp burritos with chips and beans for him, Healthy Burrito with rice and beans for me (if I get chips, he just eats them anyway, so why bother?) * shopping - the boy loves to prowl the mall but never wants to go in the department stores so that I can stalk my next handbag acquisition * the Oakland Raiders - how many women do you know that can say that? And my boy, too. I knew we'd be forever friends when I saw him for the first time and he had his precious Raider beanie on his head. My boy!
We hate and avoid at all costs...trying new things.
For the boy, this means things like moving from one living situation to another, one school to another, trying sports that he's never played before (like his bowling - did I tell you that he's in a regional championship very soon? He's such the bowling stud now!), joining clubs with people that he doesn't know, going places when he doesn't know absolutely everyone who will be there and everything about where we're going, and being somewhere with people that he feels threatened by (like the Jamba Juice with all of the "social" girls who stared at him in his basketball uni last week - bitches!). I agree with him on every point and it makes it pretty darned tough for me to push him knowing that I'm being a hypocrite. (Fortunately, he doesn't know I'm a hypocrite...he thinks I know everything. Please do not disabuse him of this illusion.)
This morning, I woke up right on time to go to my Lighter Way class and then dawdled and made excuses about why I didn't need to go. I need to do laundry. I can work out here instead and just show up for the guided imagery/hypnotherapy at the end. Yada, yada, yada. I finally reminded myself that I'd pre-paid for eight sessions and that I was going to go and then I did.
What made me so reticent? Yes, you've guessed it, it's the fact that I'm scared about it because it's new. Because I'm not good at the yoga part. Because there are thin girls who are good at the yoga and whose tummy won't be exposed when they lift their arms into the pointed finger thingy pose. And they might not like me. And they might resent that the teacher has to modify poses for me. And what if I can't keep up even with the modifications??? New people, new experiences, in a new place = YIKES.
But I went. And I'm glad that I did. The yoga wasn't too bad at all and the modifications weren't embarrassing. And the other girls are really nice (there's even one lady that's heavier than me). And the teacher told me that I did really well at yoga, much better than she'd thought from my description. And I can even go out to the beach for a walk while the rest of the group runs because the teacher will drop back to walk with me for a while so that she can stay informed about how I'm doing. And I cried during the hypnotherapy because I realized that I'm in the right place...that this approach feels right, feels good, and that I'm supported and not afraid. And none of this would have happened if I hadn't been willing to be scared for a little while.
So, after my initial consultation with the teacher, I'll be working on the following things:
1. Dump the sugary breakfasts (no muffins, not even low fat) and have lean protein and whole grains instead. 2. Talk to TCB about what I need from him as I strive to become whole and healthy - support me but don't try to "fix" anything because that's my job 3. Find a spiritual practice (church in my case) and start reaching out for help from God instead of trying to do it all myself
I'll also be getting into my cardio routine again and throwing in some yoga during the week, too. It's all part of the recovery process and of becoming whole again...whole and happy.
I know this might sound freaky or flaky to some, but it just feels so right for me. I feel like the ugly duckling who's finally found the rest of her flock. And, like Alcott, I'm home.
Monday late afternoon. I went for a walk this morning. I have a Junior League committee meeting tonight that I am not prepared for. I need to finish 10 mid-year reviews for my team members. I scheduled five product re-releases today (while supposedly working at home on aforementioned reviews). Alcott got a D in English last semester and I need to schedule parent/CASA-teacher conference with his teacher to find out why and see what we can do to make that not happen again. I need to get a quote from a rental company for the supplies my other JLSD committee needs for our upcoming breakfast event. I have to put together a curriculum for one portion of the training program at work, including learning paths for significant job functions. I still need a haircut and pedicure although I did finally get my brows waxed. At some point I really need to put some color on my hair or stop moaning about the grays. My dad's preliminary appointment for his knee went well this morning but we're not out of the woods yet.
Sunday afternoon. It's sticky-hot here and I am having a fit of Blah. I went to a great yoga-based weight loss/healthy living class yesterday and signed up for eight more weeks. Good. Got my brows waxed (finally) yesterday. Good. Went to see Alcott's final basketball game of the season (he lost but played his heart out). Good. Was half an hour late to his youngest brother's "graduation" party because I'm not retaining details properly lately, mostly due to not listening, I think. Neither good nor bad, just true. I went out to a great dinner with TCB but didn't have the conversation that needs to happen about why things aren't what they should be between us. Not good. (I'm pretty sure we'd be find if I could just open my mouth and let the words come out. Why is it so hard to say, "I need hand holding, cuddling, and other physical affection and I feel really lonely without it?"
