I'm just your average, everyday, divorced 38 year old girl -- overweight, tragically unhip,
and trying to make a life for myself. I live with two furry beasts, Dave and Abby, whose
feline mission in life is to choke me with their fur. Nothing special.
These beautiful tulips are from the sweetest man ever...my TCB. The attached card says, "Hope this makes you smile during the hard times. Everything will be OK, it is just xyz," where xyz is the business I'm in. My horoscope yesterday said something about being more conscious of the wonderful qualities that my significant other has instead of only tallying up his faults. Point made, I'd say.
Thursday night/Friday morning. Do you ever have moments of quiet when you look around your life and get that tingling feeling all over as though something important was about to happen? So much uncertainty, physical deterioration, stress, and yet. And yet that stirring inside me is still there, insistent. No, not a transformation this time, but something more fierce yet tender at the same time. All of the realizations and observations of the last few years coming together, jumbled for now but starting to form pictures. Pictures I want to see.
I don't know where we're going but I promise that the postcards will be glorious!
Losing my mind, losing it with TCB, spending time with Alcott, and finally some good news
Monday afternoon. I shall start with the good stuff first because really, who wants to start off on a downer?
Argy, your prediction came true - Daddy just called and Mom came through her colonoscopy just fine. They found some small polyps, none of which were malignant, and removed them as part of the procedure. I broke down and cried just from the relief. It was just what I'd told her it would be, but I don't think I trusted myself enough to believe it. Thank you, God, for taking care of my mom. I know she can drive me nuts but that's only because she's my mom and I love her more than breath or water or chocolate or Chanel. Thank any of you that sent a prayer or good thought or just hoped she'd be OK, too...everything helps.
On to the stuff I'm not so proud of. So, TCB's been under a lot of pressure lately at work. I knew that things were happening but, being the "keep it to myself" type, he didn't tell me how stressed out he really was. Until. Until I blew up Sunday morning over something really piddly and stupid and said, "I'm leaving." I started gathering my things up and heard him laugh and then I got really mad. He asked what was wrong and I wouldn't reply, just flew around his condo grabbing things while I cried. He persisted and I finally stopped moving, started sobbing, and told him how I was feeling. We talked for a while and we're OK, but it really shook me. I'm worried that we're really not as strong as I think because we aren't communicating about the important stuff. I don't want to lose him, so, at some point, I'm going to have to revisit and get to the core of things...clean it all out. It's painful but so is keeping things inside.
And, just so that we don't end on a down note, I had two great visits with Alcott over the weekend. First, I went to his bowling league Saturday morning and ended up taking he and his foster brother to lunch. On the way back from lunch, Alcott told me he was going to show me where his girlfriend lives. Of course, he told his brother that he'd have to duck if she was outside, but that's OK. He shared with me that he walks her home from school every day, which adds about a mile to his walk home by my calculations. I asked if he also carried her books for her, to which he said something like, "no way!," so I told him that was the top of the Good Boyfriend characteristics and that I was very proud of the way he was conducting himself. (Can you believe it? My boy is that kid you remember, the sweet one who was adorable without being intimidating, and always says "please" and "may I?" before doing something. I'm so proud of him!!!) Then, Sunday afternoon, I took him to his visit with his siblings, so I got to spend time with all five of them, which I love. On the way home, we drove through Starbucks because it's our "thing" and because it was so cold that my toes hurt and I wanted something warm. He asked if I had free weekends on my cell plan, which I do, then asked if he could use my cell, and I told him that he could. He called his girlfriend (I know her name and home phone number now!) and chatted with her for 15 minutes while I drove. I tried not to eavesdrop, I really, really did, but I heard a few snippets of "well, so-and-so said that she heard that you'd said that I said..." and it all sounded so much like my boyfriends and I did when I was 14 that I had to keep biting the inside of my lower lip to keep from giggling. I know that I'm old and that he can't imagine that I was ever anything but old, yet inside me I keep forgetting that I'm old enough to be a teenager's parent. Seems like just yesterday.
Alrighty, back to the salt mines. It does feel a little better here at work and that's a darned good thing because another week like last week might just do me in!
