I'm just your average, everyday, divorced 38 year old girl -- overweight, tragically unhip,
and trying to make a life for myself. I live with two furry beasts, Dave and Abby, whose
feline mission in life is to choke me with their fur. Nothing special.
Wednesday night. Curse all of my co-workers who've been going to work even when sick!!! Yes, I've now got a charming little head cold (on the same morning that I woke up to TTOM, over a week late and with killer cramps). I feel like poop and I stayed home today to rest and (hopefully) stave off yet worse symptoms down the road. Of course, everyone knows that calories eaten when you're sick don't count, so I had a big old huge binge on the couch while stuffing my feelings away. Yup, I ate until I was numb and then laid there, feeling sorry for myself.
Actually, surprisingly, I didn't binge today. I had several opportunities and I did eat more than I could have (killer chocolate chip muffin and a Coke Slurpee in addition to my healthy meals), but this was the most "on plan" day I've had since, um, June? I bought sugar free popsicles for my sore throat, drank lots of water, kept my appointment with the eating disorder therapist, and then - shock! - walked for 12 minutes on my treadmill when I got home. I'm a little hungry right now and, if I had a piece of fruit in the house, I'd definitely eat it, but the satisfaction of having done most things right far outweighs the hunger pangs.
Monday morning. I've been thinking about this post every day since Thursday but just haven't been able to sit down and write it until now. It's not that I didn't have the time to write - although it's been a busy few days - it's that I've been giving this a lot of thought.
It started when I was washing my hands in TCB's bathroom. I looked up at the mirror, at my face, and realized that I didn't really recognize myself. Bloated, aging, blemished...where were my eyes, my cheekbones, my strong jaw? "This is not me," I mumbled to myself, "it's just not."
Then there was TCB's neighbor, Joe, who's lost 50 pounds so far and talked about how easy it had become, how much more he enjoyed his life. I kept thinking, "Yes, that's just like me. I feel that way, too." Until, of course, I remembered that I hadn't felt that way since March.
Why? Why, why, why??? That's the $1,000,000 question, isn't it?
It seems to me that the beginning of an answer can only come once the enormity of the problem is known, so I stepped on the scale this morning and I've updated My Progress page to show the results. Ouch! I've regained just about every ounce I'd worked so hard to lose and the saddest thing of all is that I was actually relieved to see that it wasn't even worse than that. We shall see where I go from here but at least I know where I am.
Note to anyone visiting here for the first time via the article in January's issue of Fitness magazine: If you came here looking for the girl who'd lost 50 pounds at one point last year, well, you've found her. This site, however, has changed from one of easy success and excited updates on better health, to the place I come to struggle through what happens when "happily ever after" becomes elusive. If you're most interested in tales of weight loss/fitness success, I heartily recommend Trish, Hilly, Shannin, and Argy. If you want to learn more about overcoming binge eating disorder, I'm going to boldly suggest that you might want to visit here again.
