I'm just your average, everyday, divorced 38 year old girl -- overweight, tragically unhip,
and trying to make a life for myself. I live with two furry beasts, Dave and Abby, whose
feline mission in life is to choke me with their fur. Nothing special.
In Flanders fields the poppies blow Between the crosses row on row, That mark our place; and in the sky The larks, still bravely singing, fly Scarce heard amid the guns below.
We are the Dead. Short days ago We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow, Loved and were loved, and now we lie In Flanders fields.
Take up our quarrel with the foe: To you from failing hands we throw The torch; be yours to hold it high. If ye break faith with us who die We shall not sleep, though poppies grow In Flanders fields.
Thursday afternoon. In about an hour, TCB should be landing in Liberia, Costa Rica to begin his week of diving and fun. While I will admit to a little bit of anxiety due to the fact that he's with a female friend, we had a really great discussion the night before he left that made me feel much better.
While we were at Olive Garden having dinner on Tuesday, TCB brought up the fact that he'd been pretty surprised that Old Friend Girl (henceforth to be known as OFG) had asked him to come along on this trip. When I asked him why that was, he said that he'd asked her to go on a wine tasting trip to Central Coast California in the spring and she'd told him then that it was just too hard doing things with him and just being friends. (Lord, have I been in that situation a million times!) When he mentioned that to her recently, she told him that she was over that and wanted to be friends. I sincerely hope for her sake that she sticks to that because I've made the mistake of trying to force a "friend" situation into a "lover" situation and it's never ended without tears (mine) and unhappiness (both of us). I trust TCB even more than I did before because he brought it up to me without my even asking and didn't try to hedge or avoid it. Sometimes I wish I could tell him that I love him. (And then I wake up and realize that he has to say it first!)
I'm off to one of those "sell lots of crap to your friends at a house party" thingies tonight and it's one of TCB's neighbors. She's the same one that's feeding the kittens so I'm going to borrow the key to his apartment and go visit my little babies. I just want to cuddle them forever and ever because they're so adorable and sweet and I know they're going to miss him terribly. (I'm going to donate whatever I end up buying at the party because you know it's always cruddy stuff!)
Wednesday night. What do you suppose people think when they see me? Do you suppose they think that I'm wildly successful in my high-tech career? That I have a cute little web journal that people who are not related to me come and read each day? That I am a critical treatment team member for the most fabulous 14-year-old foster child ever? That I love to laugh with (and at) my numerous Junior League buddies? That I am dating one of the cutest boys ever? That, although I have my ups and downs, I love my life so much that it hurts?
Or do they just see the fatness and think, "Gee, what a shame, why doesn't that girl do something? Doesn't she know she's putting her health at risk???" I used to think that about myself, but that was before everything in the first paragraph became part of my life. I can tell that some people look at me and write me off, certain that I can't have any truly wonderful contributions to offer because, well, have you seen the kind of care she takes of herself?
I choose this topic to talk about today because it just sometimes hits me that it might appear to some that I'm playing it small...playing it safe...keeping this fat suit around to avoid the attention I get when I'm smaller. And, when I'm being honest with myself, that is certainly part of the equation. But. But then I remember that there's so much more to me now than just my weight, or even my struggles with my weight. I am not downplaying my contributions or how big my impact on the world is. I am not hiding my light to avoid making others feel uncomfortable. I'm here, being me, loving my life, talking honestly about my struggles with this area of my life, and celebrating the fact that I'm not just about my body or my weight. My value doesn't depend on a number on the scale, no matter what anyone else thinks, and I guess I just have to give thanks every once in a while for that fact.
So, Casual Stranger, you might not see how fabulous I am, but really, isn't that your loss?
Monday morning. So tired. Such a long, busy weekend and now it's time to go back to work. Ugh! It's not that I don't want to work, it's just that I didn't have any time to just vegg out this weekend and I'm really tired. (There's another reason to lose weight - not as tired from normal life!)
TCB is leaving this week for a seven-day trip to Costa Rica to go diving. It's the first time that he's gone anywhere without me (although I've taken several trips without him) and I'm feeling a little insecure. It probably doesn't help that he's going with a female friend and they'll be staying at that friend's sister's house while they're gone. He's been very up front about it, so I have no reason to think anything "off" is going to happen, but my own insecurities about my body and my attractiveness are coloring my view of looking at things. (There's another reason to lose weight - not framing everything based on how my body makes me feel!)
Might as well go to work now. Or, perhaps I'll take a nap and get up a little later!
