I'm just your average, everyday, divorced 38 year old girl -- overweight, tragically unhip,
and trying to make a life for myself. I live with two furry beasts, Dave and Abby, whose
feline mission in life is to choke me with their fur. Nothing special.
Friday night. Do you know, I had to look at the spa schedule of activities to remember what day of the week it was? Heaven...simply perfect!
So, here's what I'd planned to do today: 8-8:50am - 2.5 mile walk 9am - breakfast 10-10:50am - weight circuit 11-11:50am - Stretch or Nia Dance 12-12:25pm - Legs and Glutes workout 1pm - lunch 2-2:45pm WaterWorks (water aerobics) 3-3:50pm Belly Dancing or Stability Ball 4-4:50pm Fun with Crafts: Bead a Bracelet 5-5:50pm Wine Tasting 6-7pm Dinner 8-9pm The Fun Guide to Astrology
Sounds pretty action packed, doesn't it? Here's what I actually did: 8am - woke up (oops) 9am - breakfast 10-11am - rested with my feet up in my room ("you know, I'm too full to workout right now, I'll do the Nia Dance class at 11 instead") 11-11:50am - Boat Cruise up the river/lake ("you know, I just don't feel like dancing and getting sweaty right now, so let's do something relaxing instead!") 12-12:25pm - Legs and Glutes workout ("um, OWWIE, and what's with the little 18 to 19 year olds that were the only others in the class???") 12:30 - lunch ("six hundred calories never tasted so good!") 1:30-4pm - napped, laid around my room contemplating Life, and read the magazine in my room ("oops again - I'd really intended to go to that Belly Dancing class, but I just overslept") 4-4:50pm Fun with Crafts: Bead a Bracelet ("what do you mean, there's no documentation on how to put the bracelet together? I have to be creative? But I don't know HOW!") 5-5:50pm Wine Tasting ("OK, this is more my speed!") 6-8pm Dinner with wine and great conversation (I met three ladies - Kerri, Tara, and Marcia - at the wine tasting and we just moved over to dinner afterwards. Turns out that Kerri and Marcia thought ahead and brought wine to the resort with them, so we all shared in their cleverness and had some great Australian wines with our dinners - yum!) 8pm-present - after sauntering over to my cottage after dinner, I fired up the trusty laptop to write my thoughts while they're fresh and here I've sat ever since.
While I was at dinner, I had the most incredible revelation about why I'm not sticking to my carefully planned out schedule, as I did during my last visit to the spa. Last time, I was down to 213 from 262 and was fanatically devoted to my workout program. Every minute of every day was crammed with physical activity and I even hit the treadmill for an hour each day. Of course, underpinning everything I did was the sense that just being me wasn't good enough unless I was also either thin or working hard to get there. Fitness didn't really enter into my thinking, nor did self love. Self love was something that thin girls had. Certainly there was no way to love yourself if you were fat! (Perish the thought.)
This time, and it didn't hit me until I was lazing around after breakfast, it's different. I came here with the same mentality about needing to work out, needing to do as many classes and physical activities as possible, but that's not what I need or want this time. Right here, right now, I'm already happy with myself and, although I need to lose weight and get stronger for my health, I don't need to kill myself in classes that make me feel uncoordinated or out of shape in order to do that. I can do some treadmilling, take a yoga or stretch class, and do those activities that sound fun to me and make me happy about moving my body rather than things I'm doing out of a sense of obligation.
I cannot express for you in words the way this realization makes me feel. It's as though I've been freed from this huge weight I've been carrying around (no fat jokes, please - LOL) and I can now really, truly relax and enjoy the next 5-1/2 days. I don't think it hurts that I've gotten to a really good place with TCB, either, but that's not the reason for the feeling.
As it turns out, I am the one making myself this happy. I was listening to a great audiobook on my iPod last week and the author talked about how we decide - each and every day - whether we're going to be happy or sad, whether to greet the day with happiness and expectation or dread and fear. I've heard that before but always wrote it off as psychobabble because I just couldn't believe that it was possible that I controlled whether or not I was happy. (That would have meant that, conversely, I was also the one making myself unhappy and how could I be the victim I knew myself to be if it was me that was doing this to myself???)
What I know now is that it's absolutely, 100% true and I've got the proof of it all around me. So, I'm choosing to be happy with myself, my life, and TCB, and the feeling of contentment is worth every mile I've had to walk to get here.
Thursday evening. It is exactly as I remembered it from my last visit and yet even better at the same time. Beautiful, restful, wonderful service, amazing food (the chocolate-orange mousse pie for dessert was TO DIE FOR), and great company, too. I met a couple at dinner who come here all the time and we chatted the entire meal. She belongs to the Junior League, too, and also volunteers with foster children. He is a lawyer who used to be in the military. They are, I would guess, just south of my parents' age, so in their late 50s, and just so happy. I want that!
Getting here had a few detours. Dallas had major thunderstorm activity this afternoon so, as we were landing, I noticed that lightning strikes seemed awfully close to the airport and just prayed that we got down before they closed the airport. Well, I got what I asked for, and our plane sat on the tarmac for 90 minutes while the airport stayed closed. (It could have been much worse. The lady I rode in the airport shuttle with said her flight circled the airport for two hours and then had to divert to Tulsa to pick up more fuel - icky.) Fortunately, my connector wasn't going anywhere and the girl at the desk flagged down the airport cart to whisk me to the gate, so I was just a little late getting here but none the worse for wear.
Can I tell you how much I'm looking forward to this? I think I might sleep in tomorrow just because I can and then start my day of activities. Of course, I just noticed that it's pouring down rain, so perhaps I'll be doing all indoor things tomorrow. Oops, that was lightning, too, and close. Are you not supposed to be on the phone or using electronic devices or something like that when it's lightning-ing? Will someone who lives where they have actual weather write me an email and tell me if I oughtn't be on my trusty laptop???
Gotta go, tonight's educational session/discovery activity is called "Healthy Hunger" and it's by the spa dietician, so you know I've got to go. Beside, I'm meeting Debbie and Dale (my dinner buddies) there.
Wednesday night. The last few days have not been particularly stellar ones for the TPC, but I can honestly say that I've been thinking positive thoughts about myself and my life and that I've gotten lots of activity in. Tomorrow at 4:30am, the taxi will arrive to take me to the airport and the beginning of my spa vacation, which will be wonderful. Before I leave, I need to weigh and measure myself so that I can see how much progress I make while I'm gone. Honestly, while a huge loss would be fabulous - I won't even pretend to be unmotivated by that! - I'm really much more focused on the relaxation and motivational effects of the week. I want to come home happy, healthy, glowing from the good food, exercise, yoga, and spa treatments, but mostly I want to be ready to take on the world and my journey to a healthy, fit life.
I had a lovely Independence Day weekend and hope you did, too (if you celebrate it) and I'm looking forward to a really wonderful July! Take some time today to experience a blissful moment and pay attention to how your heart feels - that's the brass ring, the thing that makes everything worthwhile, so savor it and look for lots of ways to bring more of it into your life.
