I'm just your average, everyday, divorced 38 year old girl -- overweight, tragically unhip,
and trying to make a life for myself. I live with two furry beasts, Dave and Abby, whose
feline mission in life is to choke me with their fur. Nothing special.
Friday morning. First, let me say "Happy Canada Day" to my friends north of our borders. I wish I lived closer so that I could hop over the border for festivities today and then hop back for Independence Day festivities here in our country on Monday. However, as I am about 30 miles from our southern border, I shall have to limit my celebrating to my own country's party this weekend. Shame that.
Also a shame is the fact that my walk with Ang had to be postponed from last night. Not only that, but my cell phone just cut out as we were talking, too! Oh, the indignity!
The TPC is mired in doldrums, as am I, generally. I feel this simmering fear/unhappiness just barely below the surface of my life and I've been eating my way through it. Add to that the fact that I've not done any sort of activity since Sunday and you've got an ugly picture. Water is not what it ought to be, either, as is evidenced by the fact that my fingers look like tight, red sausages. I have to say, however, I've not been doing the "beat myself up" thing, which is positive, but perhaps not when I'm damaging my health with my current behavior. The saving grace is the fact that I'll be at the spa for a week and will have to eat properly while being presented with lots of opportunities for activities that are diverse and fun. If I can't get this thing turned around before then, at least I'm guaranteed eight days on plan. Eight days ought to be enough to put me on the right path again, right? Gosh, I hope so.
I don't want to turn this site into one long kvetch about TCB and I, so I think I'm going to have to start another journal just for me to get all of the junk inside my head about this relationship out. Lately, I've been sounding like one of those girls who just hangs on every nuance of interaction with her significant other and I don't want to be that girl. If you'd like to follow the saga of TCB and Denise, I'll add a permanent link to my left nav bar.
Vacation dreaming and a possible explanation for why I'm feeling so moony about TCB
Thursday morning. A week from right now, I'll be taxiing down the runway on a plane that will take me to Dallas where I will connect to a flight to Austin. Once in Austin, I will take a shuttle from the airport to the resport spa where I'll be staying for seven nights. I am antsy with anticipation and am really excited about the possibilities of increasing my health and fitness level during this special week completely dedicated to me. Ahhhhh, relaxation and pampering - what more could a girl ask for in her summer vacation?
In the past few days, I've become aware of a possible reason for my desire to let TCB know how I'm feeling about him. I haven't shared it here, but the fact is that TCB is a member of America's military. I'm very proud of that fact, but what I've realized is that, with each new story of soldiers, Marines, and sailors being killed or maimed in Afghanistan and Iraq, there's this tightness in the pit of my stomach. When he was writing checks for his bills last time we were together, I was giving TCB a bad time for not having his bills set up for online payment when he said, "If I'm deployed, I'll set it up then." I couldn't even speak for a second and then I said, "Well, I guess I'll just have to hope that you keep having to write checks then, huh?" Since then, I've just been more and more preoccupied with the thought that I could lose this wonderful person before I've even gotten the chance to really know him. I think this might be one of the reasons for the tightness and pain in my tummy, too, as I've started feeling a lot better since I downloaded a guided relaxation off of iTunes and using it diligently. I just keep thinking that there's a woman or girl somewhere here in the US grieving for each of those names on TV or the radio and I cannot imagine that kind of pain. I can't talk to him about it because - duh! - he'd be totally freaked out if he knew I was worrying about him already, but I'm pretty sure that's what's driving me toward wanting to tell him how I feel.
Incidentally, I found this great website where you can send a message of support to America's troops. I've sent a message and would like to ask each of you to take just a few seconds today to let them know that they're supported and thought of. Whether or not you support the reasons they are there, surely you can support those that are separated from their families and put in harm's way, right?
Tuesday night. I had to cancel out on my walking date with Ang tonight because I've got this terrible tummy pain thing going on. Owwie, owwie, owwie. I want someone to come over and rub my tummy. Mommmmmmmmmmmmy!
In other developments, I want to say something emotionally raw to TCB. I miss him so much and I want him to know that I'm glad he's in my life and that I wish we could see more of each other. Do you think it would be a bad thing to send him an email or leave him a voicemail telling him so? (There's no way I could tell him that in person on the phone. He'd either die or say nothing and then I'd be frozen with awkwardness.) I know you're not supposed to tell guys what you're feeling and he's definitely not a "sharing our feelings" kind of person, but my heart is just so full that it feels like it's going to burst. I guess I should just enjoy the feeling and wait, but I'm not a waiting sort of girl.
The mystery of TCB and Denise continues and Denise starts thinking in terms of a "career path"
Monday evening. Not a lot to report on the TCB front this weekend, as the poor guy had a terrible migraine Friday and Saturday, so I just brought up steaks, corn on the cob, and salad fixings and we BBQd last night at his place. A few positives, though: his whole face seemed to light up when I walked through the door (although I suppose it could have been hunger) and he introduced me to his upstairs neighbor (although it was "Wes, this is Denise," not, "this is my girlfriend, Denise," but I'm not getting hung up on that because, frankly, I think I probably would do the same thing if we ran into friends of mine at this point). Oh, and I checked my email after getting home at 11:30pm last night before sending him an email message telling him I'd gotten home OK (I didn't want to wake him up if he'd gone to bed already so no call). I got an immediate response saying that he'd been going to bed, was worried that I might not have gotten home safely, and then had heard the new message ding and found my message. Is it wrong that I nearly cried when I read that???
Let's see, as far as the TPC goes, things are scooting along. No perfect days as yet but the activity level is moving up and I'm getting some each day, so I just need to focus more on why I'm not sticking to the eating plan and I'd be making more progress on the scale. On the whole, however, I'm really pleased with the way that I feel and the way that I'm treating myself both mentally and outwardly. I might not be the thin, fit girl that I would like to be, but I'm pretty darned OK just as I am. My positive thing for the last few days is the smile on TCB's face when I walked through the door - every girl should experience that at least once in her lifetime!
Here at VLSCI, I've taken the first steps toward establishing that I'm interested in having a career path. Now, understand that I've been a project manager for the past 10 years for the same department doing roughly the same job. I could probably continue doing this for at least the next few years, but I'm not going to go any higher in the company on that path. In the last week, several positions have opened up within the same business unit, different functional units, any of which would establish me firmly as a player in the mix of folks interested in moving up in the company. After talking to my manager (also a good friend and former colleague) who's known me for 13 years now, I've decided to express interest in each of the three open positions and see what happens. Funny thing is, I can count the number of interviews I've done on one hand: four. This is a new and odd experience. One major plus for me, however, is that I'm in a good position now - one that I love - so it's a total win for me no matter what happens. Still, it's scary to contemplate changing roles at this point after doing this for such a long time, but perhaps that's the best reason of all to do it.
For Mae, here's a list of commonly used terms on my site:
TCB - the cute boy, the boy I'm seeing, the boy I like
TPC - Ten Percent Challenge, my attempt to get my life back onto a healthy path mentally and physically
VLSCI - Very Large Software Corporation Inc, where I work
CASA - Court Appointed Special Advocate, this is the volunteer work that I do with a 14 year old foster child to whom I've given the pseudonym Alcott for this site (go here for more info)
