I'm just your average, everyday, divorced 38 year old girl -- overweight, tragically unhip,
and trying to make a life for myself. I live with two furry beasts, Dave and Abby, whose
feline mission in life is to choke me with their fur. Nothing special.
When the only thing stopping you from committing homicide is concern about where to hide the body
Thursday afternoon. Some days, it just doesn't pay nearly enough to be a manager. I know I've complained before and I know I'll do it again, but today really is a banner day.
I've found approximately seven critical documents that have been received and should have been delivered already but have not because one of my employees let them slip. Angry. Very angry. My whole team will be held accountable by our customers for these misses and I think that's what really gets to me. It's not that he made mistakes (we all do that) but that there were so many and they so easily could have and should have been caught if only he'd done some sort of rudimentary QA of his reports. That doesn't even count the items that have been delivered internally for a month and yet not sent for approval, of which there are many as well. I grant you that we're in September and none of these products are releasing for several months but, and here's the big picture view, if you don't keep up with things as you go, you end up begging, pleading, and cajoling approval contacts in November and December and that's not how things work on my team.
Why is it that I, who have never performed the job function he does, can spot these errors in an hour of reviewing his report and yet he has not in the hours, days, weeks, and months of time he's had to do so? I want to scream. Really.
Oh, but, in a positive development, I'm riding on a three day roll of working out. Two nights of 60 minute walks and Leslie Sansone's Three Mile Walk Away the Pounds video night before last and last night's walk was pretty easy, to be honest. I definitely got a workout, but it wasn't painful or unpleasant or anything like that. Heck, if I'm not careful, I could end up not hating working out!
Wednesday evening. Well, kids, it's time to clear the board and start a new game. I got an email today from my high school reunion committee and, although our reunion is 11 months away, our first event is in just over six weeks - homecoming! At this point, if I could make an appointment with the wonderful Extreme Makeover folks at ABC, I'd be there in a heartbeat. "Yes, I'd like lipo in my neck, upper arms, back, inner thighs, and, um, could you do a huge stomach-ectomy, too?" [Oh my gosh, I just visualized how much skin and other stuff they'd have to remove to do a tummy tuck on me right now - GACK!] In any case, that isn't going to happen. Equally unlikely is that I'll get picked to be on What Not to Wear, so I guess the hair extensions and complete new wardrobe won't happen, either.
Now, I know that some of you are thinking to yourselves, "Why would she care what a bunch of people she hasn't seen in 20 years think of her?" What you fail to understand is that these people - not all of them, but most - were incredibly mean to me in high school. I was the fat girl, at 5'3" and 125 pounds, and I had no style or money to buy anything decent even if I had known what that looked like. I had almost no dates although I had lots of school activities to keep me busy, so I wasn't just sitting at home all the time or anything. In any case, I know better than to hope that I can make some Cinderella-like entrance where everyone gasps and says, "Wow, we totally misjudged her when we were kids, look how cool she is now," I just want not to be the butt of all of the jokes and cruel stares again. My original plan, before I heard about the homecoming game, was to be svelte and bring one of the totally hunky guys from my team as my (platonic) escort for the official reunion next August, and that's still on track, but now the question becomes, how much weight can I lose in the next six or so weeks? I mean, I know there's no way I won't be fat - probably the fattest girl there - but if I'm on a major losing (weight) streak and well into my walk to jog program, hopefully, I'll be more confident and less likely to feel like the Goodyear blimp surrounded by beauty queens and movie star hunks.
God, I hate being from southern California sometimes!!!
It's hotter than Hades here and I've had yet another epiphany!
Sunday morning. Hot. Ugh. Hate heat ("heat" being anything over 75 degrees, of course). I went to the movies yesterday just to get away from it for a little while, as we do not have air conditioning here at Chez Denise. Vanity Fair was really pretty good, although I wasn't expecting much, to be honest. I'm such a snob when it comes to books moving to the big screen and I've been disappointed in the past, so it's possible I've just lowered my standards. I will have to say, though, that they sort of hacked up the story line and left out a lot of background information so that they basically had to cram in some stuff near the very end to make sure that you knew Becky's avaricious need for approval was a bad thing. I don't know, maybe it was just the heat, so will someone else who's read the book go and see it and tell me what you think?
OK, feel free to leave now if you've read through enough of my "I've had it and here's what I'm doing about it" rants in the past. (I'll wait. [Tap, tap, tap of foot.] Proceeding now with rant.)
I'm sick of being fat. Wait, wait, wait...I know I've said it before, but I've come to some new conclusions, so don't leave just yet. Ever since Friday night's funeral service, my eating has been fairly out-of-control. Mega-sized movie popcorn, carne asada nachos, sesame chicken with fried rice, and more have sailed down my gullet in the last 60 hours and have left me feeling sick. Not just metaphorically sick, but, literally, sick. My digestive system is in full revolt. I haven't felt this horrible since, well, since I started the original Ten Percent Challenge back in June. Not a coincidence, methinks. I was 17 pounds from achieving my second Ten Percent Challenge goal (212) when this little detour began, and only three pounds from earning my second charm for my bracelet. Where I am now is anyone's guess because I'm not getting anywhere near a scale until I've been faithfully eating, walking, and drinking at least 100 ounces of water every day for a week. I'm guessing it's about six pounds gained, though. Wait, wait, wait...that's so wussy. Hang on while I run and weigh myself. [Annoying hold music plays.] Alrighty then! I'm up to almost 236 pounds or five pounds above my last, official weigh in. Not as bad as I'd thought and yet still I feel even sicker than I did before I weighed. In any case, I've digressed slightly.
Here's the big epiphany: I'm fat, it's killing me (literally, because I'm diabetic), and I'm tired of this part of me taking over my entire existence. I seldom leave the house because I'm so ashamed of how I look, which means I've lost all but the hardiest of real-world friends, which isolates me still further. I've, essentially, put my life on hold until I get this weight thing figured out and, in some ways, that's what I've had to do because, as I said above, this will kill me if not dealt with, so it has to have the highest priority. Unfortunately, I'm not one of those people who can effectively multitask unless the quality of results isn't important and, since this is my life we're talking about, the quality is quite important to me. So then, what to do? Make this my complete, unwavering focus for two solid months (November 8th), see where I am, and, only if I've been focused and made significant progress, start adding other things in. Like going back to school to get my degree in Business (something I can actually use in my career). Like volunteering to be a court-appointed special advocate for children. Like joining the young people's group at church. None of that, though, until I can put together two months' worth of solid focus on this, my most important project. I know that I can do this - I am doing it (when I'm not actively sabotaging myself) - I just need to stop mamby-pambying around and do it. No half-assed efforts. No "trying". Just do it. I don't have to be perfect, just focused and fully committed, and we'll see how I feel in two months.
