I'm just your average, everyday, divorced 38 year old girl -- overweight, tragically unhip,
and trying to make a life for myself. I live with two furry beasts, Dave and Abby, whose
feline mission in life is to choke me with their fur. Nothing special.
Friday night. I'm still at work, dinking around with the computer. I've been getting things ready for my business trip next week all day today, along with giving my last mid-year review and attending a management team meeting from 3-4:30. On a Friday, no less. I've just sync'd up my laptop so that it will hopefully (fingers crossed, St. Jude candle burning) allow me to check my email next week while I'm gone. It is always such a pain when I can't check my email for a week, especially when I'll be "on the clock", so to speak.
I'd love to write something truly inspired and inspirational tonight but, I fear, it's not to be. I'm going to blame my lack of creative spark on my sleep situation this week. I wrote earlier this week about wanting to switch to a new schedule, one that had me getting up at 5am to walk. One problem with that schedule is that I don't seem to be getting up before 6am. Another problem is that, although I'm getting up at 6am instead of 7 or 7:30, I'm still not falling asleep until 11:30. About noon every day, I just get the worst case of the yawns. (Interesting note: I just yawned as I was typing that. The power of suggestion at work!) In any case, I need to get some sleep tonight and, regardless of what Chris suggests (sorry, Sweetheart!), I'm sleeping in tomorrow morning.
Someone at work today made a suggestion to the effect that Martha Stewart would be becoming intimate friends with women named Bertha and Wanda, but I'm fairly certain she'll be doing her time (and yes, she will be doing time) at Club Fed with Michael Milken and all of the other financial criminals. Still, it's definitely not a good thing. I don't watch her show, nor do I read her magazine, but it still saddens me to think that she's going to go to jail and probably ruin her company all for a $50,000 loss. Come on! The woman's worth millions and she's willing to risk jail for $50,000? Just sad.
Thursday afternoon. I've been giving Mid-Year Performance Appraisals all day today and I'm just wiped out as a result. Understand that I've got some truly incredible people on my team, all of them capable of outstanding performances. I know that I'm lucky, I'm glad for it, and yet all but one of them received some form of constructive criticism from me. I really hate that part of my job. I am someone who, if left to my own devices, would float through life, staying out of people's way, annoying as few people as possible, and avoiding emotional confrontation/heated discussions/conflict like the plague.
With that said, here are some things that I really wish everyone in the workforce would pay attention to:
* If you screw up, just acknowledge it and move on. Don't argue with your manager about why it happened or try to make excuses because that only makes us feel that you can't take responsibility for your actions.
* If you see something that needs to be done, just do it. Don't ask me if you should do it, don't tell me you did it (unless I absolutely must know), just take care of it.
* Don't constantly run to me to have me referee your dust ups with co-workers. Everyone that works here is over the age of 18 and, therefore, considered an adult. Adults work out their differences without needing parental interference.
* Don't suck up to your boss and try to do an amazing job for three weeks just before your review. Believe it or not, most of us are not dim-witted enough to put aside your performance for the other 49 weeks just out of admiration for your three weeks as Super Employee. In fact, it just makes me really suspicious when that happens.
* Don't go around to every other member of the team, telling your sad tale of woe from your review and trying to drum up sympathy for how wrong your manager is about you. I've never been able to understand why you would want to share a horrible review with anyone else but I've seen enough times with my very own eyes to know that, for some people, that's their way of dealing with criticism.
Can you tell that I've been doing this for a while? Just call me Jaded.
Tuesday evening. Well, it's my last evening of freedom, folks. Tomorrow morning, I'm back to work and...starting my all new, super duper, and improved morning schedule. Here's how it looks:
5am - Up and off to walk for an hour 6:30am - Get home, make brekkers, call Chris, and watch CNN 7:30am - Off phone, downstairs to get ready (including hair and makeup every day!) 8:30am - Off to work (whee!) 9am - At desk, looking bright and happy to be there 5:30pm (MWF) - Leave for Curves / (TTh) - Leave for home 6pm (TTh) - Get home, do half hour Tamilee Webb stretching DVD 6:30pm - Put dinner in microwave (DietToGo) 7:30pm - Meditate for half hour 8pm - Watch TV for an hour 9pm - Get ready for bed 9:15pm - Chris calls on way home from work 9:45pm - Off phone, go to sleep
Now, doesn't that sound exciting? You betcha! I'm even thinking about imposing a TV blackout during dinner, using the dining room table, real plates, glass drinking recepticles, cloth napkins, and candles. I mean, honestly, I got all of that stuff (except the plates, because my ex has my china with my blessing!) for my wedding and I never use any of it unless I host dinner at my house, which has happened about five times since my divorce in 1998. I've got it, I should use it. Besides, I keep hearing that you should make every dinner special and not just save up your "good" things for special occasions. We'll see how that goes, however.
I really appreciate the supportive comments and emails I've gotten from yesterday's post. I'm feeling a lot better today, especially since I just found a balance in my checking account of over $200. I'm not sure how that got there, because, by my calculations it should have been less than $20. This is what you get for being so remiss in keeping up with your finances, I fear! In any case, it's wonderful to know that I've got such a great group of online friends. Thanks, ladies.
Monday morning. You know what one of the most wonderful feelings in the world is? Realizing, on a Sunday evening, that you don't have to go to work until Wednesday. Now, don't get me wrong, I love my job, I love the company I work for and the people that I work with. Really. Even when I sometimes feel I need the Universal Translator from StarTrek just to understand some of the discussions in my meetings. All that to the side, though, it's still wonderful to know that you get to play hookie without repercussions.
I met my mom and dad for lunch today. We went to the same place that they took us when Chris was out and we even sat at the same table. I know it sounds corny, but I sort of felt this ache when I looked at the empty chair he should have been sitting in. I miss him. For everyone that has their loved person with them, give them an extra hug or kiss for me tonight, as I long for the touch of Chris' hand in mine, his cheek to my cheek, his lips on my face. Sorry, didn't mean to bring the room down. (I'm not even PMSing, so I've no idea why I just went there!)
We've taken a few steps forward and a few back since my last post. I've pretty much either eaten or thrown out everything in the house that's not my DietToGo meals, so it's either stick to it or starve (not bloody likely!). The problem now is, without any money* or fast food or bingeing, it's getting pretty ugly around here. I'm like a nervous, caged animal. I fret, I worry, I am stressed about money, I am stressed about eating, I have no options and I hate that feeling. I know, I should take this for the blessing in disguise that it, no doubt, is, but that's not how it feels. It feels like I'm trapped and that the walls of my world are closing in on me, leaving me no room to move or dance or laugh. Ugh!
* Oh yes, did I neglect to mention to you, dear readers, that I was officially flat broke as of 24 hours after my paycheck hit my bank? Gah! I am hoping that my sell order for some of my VLSCI options went through today, since it looked as though the stock hit my ask price. If it didn't, I'm going to have to lower the target price because I cannot have this situation continue for another two weeks. For one thing, I've got to pay the utility company Friday afternoon (when I get paid) or else they'll be paying me a nasty little visit. For another, I'm going to Vegas for work next week and I have to have enough money on hand to pay miscellaneous expenses (tips, bellhops, morning latte, etc). When I say I'm broke, I mean I'm broke, folks. As of this moment, I have two dollar bills in my purse and less than $1 in change, and that's it. My credit card is maxed out and my bank account is empty. Not overdrawn, thankfully, but empty. Thank goodness for the DietToGo food that I so resent because, otherwise, I'd have nothing to eat this week.
Sunday morning. I'm warning everyone in advance that this post is going to be angry, negative (in parts), self pitying, and frustrated. Don't worry, though, I'll write a normal post again, either later today or tomorrow, depending on when this mood lifts.
Do you know what the most pathetic feeling in the world is? It's when you're sitting on the couch, already feeling the GERD burning in your chest, yet still stuffing yourself with homemade enchiladas that aren't even that good, just to satisfy that need that burns inside you (somewhere near the GERD, I'm sure) to eat and eat and eat. This was my Friday night. I've been waking up in the middle of the night for the last week with the heartburn, shaking with nausea, sweating profusely, and loathing myself more than I have ever done before. Why didn't I stop when the heartburn started? I don't know. How can I feel so horrible and still do it? I don't know. Why can't I, a reasonably intelligent girl, an advanced dieter, and a diabetic, make this stop? Yup, you guessed it, I don't know.
All of that being said, however, I did manage to keep myself (mostly) under control yesterday. I was perfectly on plan all day until the very end when my need to binge got the better of me and I got up to make myself two "burritos": tortilla, refried black beans, diced tomatoes, sour cream, shredded cheese. They, too, weren't all that good, but I didn't get up and make myself more after I'd finished the two, which I think is progress, of a sort.
I also made a deal with Chris yesterday. If he'd go for a half hour walk, so would I. I kept my end of the bargain, although I broke my time up into two 15 minute walks instead of one long one. I still think it counts because I put the time in, it's just that, with this stomach, it really hurts my lower back when I walk for more than 15 minutes, so I'm trying to find a way to do what needs to be done without hurting my back so badly that I don't want to do it again. In any case, Chris kept his side of the bargain, too (unsurprising since he always keeps his promises), which makes me happier than anything I did yesterday. I worry so much about him and his health, and if, by walking myself, I can get him to take better care of himself, I'm willing to do what I wouldn't do for myself. Sad, but true.
